About psychological boundaries. Psychological boundaries of personality: building and tearing down walls

We most often associate the word “borders” with states and land plots, but not only the territories of the earth have borders, but also every person. These boundaries are called personal or personal, and although they are invisible, their importance for a person’s physical and psychological comfort cannot be underestimated. Personal boundaries from the point of view of psychology are the boundaries of one’s own “I”, these are the limits that separate the feelings, emotions, desires and intentions of an individual from the attitudes and feelings of other people. It is thanks to the presence of personal boundaries that each person is aware of his own individuality and has the opportunity to live and develop not only as part of society, but also as.

Violations and violators of personal boundaries

Personal boundaries define a person’s zone of personal responsibility and “protect” the right to choose and the inner world of the individual from outside incursions. A person with correctly constructed psychological boundaries can always find a balance between the demands of society and personal needs and does not allow other people to upset his mental balance. Also, a person who has strong psychological boundaries respects the needs, desires and opinions of other people and tries not to disturb the spiritual comfort of others.

However, not all people treat others with due respect and have any understanding of the psychological boundaries of each individual person, so we regularly have to deal with “boundary violators.” Such a violator could be a boss who does not choose his words in a conversation with his subordinates; a colleague who is overly curious and makes you blush with his tactless questions; husband/wife, and make a scandal about any reason; a friend who constantly needs help and a “vest” to cry on, etc.

A person who has strong personal boundaries and knows how to protect them will be able to resist the violator - will give a verbal rebuff to the offender, will not succumb to manipulation and will not allow anyone to disturb his mental balance. Those same people who have failed to build a psychological defense are forced to regularly experience discomfort when communicating with arrogant or impolite people and give others an excellent opportunity to manipulate themselves. It is very easy to determine that personal boundaries are not built or are unstable - this is clearly evidenced by the following signs:

Building personal boundaries

The process of building personal boundaries lasts a lifetime, and when communicating with each new acquaintance, a person forms and defines boundaries based on the characteristics of the relationship. Therefore, it is never too late to build your own boundaries, and in order to achieve results, you must do the following:

Situations when you need to defend your boundaries arise regularly, and therefore it is important to be able to protect your psychological space without violating the boundaries of another person. To do this, every time someone tries to “invade” personal space, you need to let the intruder understand that this is not possible by expressing your dissatisfaction with words or physically distancing yourself (by moving a few meters away, going into another room, etc.) from the aggressor. . Next, you should calmly but firmly explain the reason for your dissatisfaction to the offender, and it is best to use an I-message for this: “I am unpleasant and offended when you... In cases where you do this, I feel... I ask you more Don’t do this, otherwise..."

However, it also happens that the intruder stubbornly continues to try to break into personal space, despite any persuasion and requests. You can explain to such a person 100 times how unpleasant his criticism/insults/actions are, and in response each time he will hear something like “I say/do what I think is necessary, and I don’t care how you feel about it.” In this case, there is only one way to reliably protect your borders and ensure peace of mind - stop communicating with the aggressor.

Contents of the article:

Personal boundaries are a zone of one’s own psycho-emotional and physical comfort, which in the consciousness of an individual and his environment acts as a number of restrictions in relation to a given individual, contributing to a person’s personal safety, clear ideas of where “I” ends and “not I” begins. These boundaries protect the intimate component of a person - his personal space.

Description and formation of a person’s personal boundary

Personality formation occurs from the moment a person is born and continues throughout life. Along with the personality, a personal boundary is formed. The term “personality boundary” in psychology is compared to a line, a protective membrane or rim, which allows us to distinguish between “I” and “not-I”.

In general, personality is a multifaceted entity, therefore the personality boundary also has some spatial dimensions (according to S.K. Nartova-Bochaver):

Awareness of your own body and its boundaries. It is formed in infancy, when the child begins to separate himself from his mother. Your own “I” is being formed. The presence of such phrases in speech can be traced: “I am a boy!” or “I’m a girl!”
Need for personal territory. Occurs after approximately 3 years of age. It means clearly defined boundaries of space that belong only to this person. For a child, this most often means his own bed, room, place at the table, etc.
Availability of personal belongings. The need arises after 2 years, when children begin to understand where their toys are and where others’ toys are. Personal belongings characterize the individuality of a person’s preferences.
Personal time. The concept of personal time is usually formed from the age of 7, when the child begins to attend school and a certain time schedule is formed. The presence of this component reflects the orderliness of all dimensions of the personality boundary and allows us to outline the scope of their application.
Connections with society, building interpersonal relationships. They are formed from birth through communication with the mother and other family members. They represent the process of the “I” entering the territory of “not I”, delineating oneself in relationships with others.
Tastes and preferences. They are formed from preschool to primary school age and allow you to more clearly define your “I” in the world around you.

Establishing a person’s personal boundaries in a relationship means defining or articulating the framework of contact or relationship between oneself and another person, thus creating a psychologically comfortable climate for oneself. If you completely submit to your significant other, it means that you are not respecting your boundaries and, accordingly, she does not take your boundaries into account either!

The process of forming personal boundaries is a correlation of knowledge about oneself and ideas about the world around us, as well as the construction of an interaction strategy that presupposes complete personal harmony in the designated circle of rules.

Types of personal boundaries in relationships

At the very beginning of a relationship, personal boundaries are strictly observed and are extremely rarely violated without prior agreement. But the longer the relationship lasts, the closer you become and the less pronounced personality boundaries become.

Only during contact with others can we feel and test the limits of the existing framework, but we can only measure them where we come into direct contact with them. And there are points of contact in various areas of relationships.

In this regard, there are the following types of personal boundaries in relationships:

Physical - the level of the body and its sensations.
Psychological - feelings, emotions, personal meanings that are individual.
Spiritual - a circle of religion and self-development in knowledge of the world.
Social - level of subordination, personal closeness in communication, obligations to others.

Each type of boundaries is formed under the influence of self-development and self-knowledge of the individual. Boundaries are not constant, but can change under the influence of environmental factors and acquire completely opposite features with age.

Each person has his own understanding of his own body, special personal experiences that are intimate. Belief in someone or something is also a personal characteristic. The meaning-forming factors that determine an individual’s behavior are also purely individual.

Thus, under the guise of a boundary we understand the range of ideas and meaning-forming factors within the personal space that characterizes a particular person. For example, if a person is not used to communicating with strangers “on a first-name basis”, but they begin to address him this way from the first minute of acquaintance, he begins to experience discomfort or even anger, which signals a violation of the subordination of communication - the social boundary of the individual.

But it is worth remembering that all types of boundaries change only by a person independently within the framework of his consciousness! Therefore, at the beginning of a relationship, it is worth talking about what ideas and preferences your chosen one(s) have on issues that are important to you. This moment will allow you to avoid many conflict situations in the future and strengthen relationships by showing not indifference.

Signs of a personal boundary violation in a relationship

By respecting personal boundaries, you can harmoniously build relationships taking into account the characteristics of each person. But there are a number of people (tyrannical, narcissistic, selfish) who do not always respect the personal boundaries of those around them. In relationships, they grossly violate personality boundaries of any kind, without experiencing any particular remorse.

In normal everyday life, it is difficult to distinguish violation of boundaries in relationships from emotional overstrain or other psychological manifestations of anxiety. However, there are a number of signs that indicate that your personal integrity is being violated.

Violation of personal boundaries in relationships is identified by the following signs:

Negative emotions, feelings when interacting with a specific person, irritation or dissatisfaction with his words or actions;
Inducement to action that contradicts your principles/rules;
Neglect of one of the characteristics of personal space that protect personal boundaries (disrespect for personal time, careless handling of personal belongings, etc.);
Offensive statements from another person are disrespect for the individual as a whole;
Harassment of your body or touching that goes against personal beliefs.

If you have observed or are observing at least one of the above signs, you should immediately think about your personal well-being and psychological comfort, as well as physical health, if it comes to harassment on a physical level, and take appropriate measures - talk about your relationship. Otherwise, exclude communication with this person.

Very often, violation of individual boundaries occurs accidentally or unconsciously, due to a lack of knowledge about them. In this case, the person will ask for forgiveness for the discomfort caused and try to find out the boundaries of acceptable behavior in a relationship with you, filling in the gaps in the idea of the partner.

However, there are also cases when illegal actions are committed intentionally. This is a manifestation of deep disrespect for the individual and its integrity, despotism and authoritarianism of an encroaching person who does not want to take into account the personal boundaries of another. All types of boundaries are violated, the most serious is considered to be violation of the boundaries of the physical body (solicitation of intimate intimacy, for example), for which criminal liability is provided for in the legislation of any state.

At the moment of formation of personal boundaries (in preschool and primary school age), it is very important for parents to be understanding of the personal preferences of their child and try not to interfere with the development of the child’s individuality. In the future, the little person will develop the awareness that personal boundaries exist not only for him, thus respect and tolerance towards other people will be cultivated.

Violation of personal boundaries occurs at the beginning of a relationship with another person and requires an explanatory conversation. If discussions don't help and your boundaries are being violated unscrupulously, then ending the relationship may be a smart move. After all, health is above all, both physical and psychological. If a child’s personal circle is violated, it is worth remembering that this violation can act as a catalyst for psychological trauma that you and your child will have to live with.

How to maintain personal boundaries in relationships

When entering into a relationship, each person looks for everything in their partner in which they are similar. This will allow us to build and develop interaction. In work, this is general work activity, in personal relationships - similar meaning-forming factors (faith, ideas about relationships, family values, family ties).

But sometimes people are so carried away by this similarity that they completely forget about their individuality, the boundaries of personality become blurred, indefinite or completely erased. A person lives by the ideas, thoughts and feelings of another person. Therefore, it is very important to maintain and define personal boundaries at the very beginning of the journey.

To tell your position, you need to clearly imagine it in your mind. To do this, it is recommended to write the rules by which your relationship with a specific person will be built, with the subparagraphs “Allowed”, “Acceptable” and “Prohibited”.

"Allowed":

You can call me “You” (social boundary);
I like holding hands (physical boundary);
Walking together (social boundary);
Cash payment at your expense (social boundary);
I don’t like topics about cars (psychological boundary).

"Acceptable":

Consensual sex (physical boundary);
Staying with my parents (social boundary);
You can express what doesn’t suit you in your relationship with me (psychological boundary).

"Forbidden":

Profanity in my presence (psychological boundary);
Sex or physical touch without my desire (physical boundary);
Insulting statements addressed to my parents/relatives (psychological boundary).

When personal rules are highlighted in a list that allow you to determine acceptable behavior in a relationship, the personal boundary becomes clearer and more specific, which allows you to preserve it and convey it to your partner in an accessible way.

So, ways to maintain personal boundaries in relationships include:

Set boundaries for yourself and strictly adhere to them. Compromise is possible, but as an exception rather than as a rule.
Indicating personal boundaries to a partner in any convenient way: conversation, the “by contradiction” method (how not to treat you), recording on any medium (paper, video, etc.). The most important thing is the accessibility of the presentation without hidden meanings.
The presence of the main attributes of a personal boundary: personal time, personal belongings and their protection.
Harmony with yourself. If you feel that the border should be changed, do it!
Maintaining a personal circle of contacts. You should not communicate only with your partner’s acquaintances, this may cause you to “dissolve your boundaries.”
Spiritual and mental development. The more developed a person is, the more elastic and flexible personal boundaries become.
Dreams, desires and personal meanings. Motivation determines our aspirations, this allows us not to lose ourselves.

These methods are available to any person, but they require constant self-regulation and self-development of personal content. Only such individuals are able to build harmonious relationships without losing boundaries and respecting the boundaries of another person.

The problem of personal boundaries is very acute at the stage of the emergence of relationships between people and can either be solved or worsen over time. Knowing the signs of violation and ways to maintain personal boundaries, everyone can maintain their integrity and individuality by building harmonious relationships. The main thing is to want it!

Each person has his own psychological boundaries that determine his relationship with the world. Personal boundaries determine the range and strength of one’s own actions, as well as susceptibility to the actions of the surrounding reality.

In any relationship between people there is a contact between the boundaries of personalities. The success of relationships largely depends on the strength and clarity of boundaries. Psychologists distinguish three types of boundaries in relationships.

"Blurred Boundaries"

They consist in vagueness of one’s own psychological contours, not realizing your desires, needs, aspirations. The partner’s desires are perceived as their own, while their own aspirations are relegated to the background. This type of relationship is built on dependency rather than love and respect. The only acceptable situation for such boundaries is the relationship between a mother and a 2-3 year old child. All other options are considered pathological.

For example, the relationship between victim and persecutor, which very often arises in families with alcohol addiction of one of the partners, pathologically jealous people, or single-career families where the family’s focus is on the fate of one partner. At the same time, the desires and needs of the other are ignored and not considered.

Blurred boundaries are often observed in the relationship between a mother and a growing child, when parental interests are imposed under the pretext of uniting boundaries: “we decided,” “we got sick,” etc. A type of blurred boundaries is also observed in professional relationships, when the activities of a group of people are subordinated not to a common goal, but to the prospects of a particular person.

For greater imagery, we can cite the example of Julia Roberts’ heroine from the film “Runaway Bride,” where she tried on the desires of her partners and began to understand what was happening only at weddings. Determining her own boundaries began with the banal choice of a scrambled egg recipe and the realization of falling in love.

Of course, in life everything is much more complicated. In any case, blurred boundaries destroy personality. A person does not know how to determine his own “I”, his priorities, his desires. He loses himself, which means he becomes uninteresting to others.

"Impenetrable Borders"

This type of boundaries is the exact opposite of the first. Here we are dealing with a “limited”, closed personality who has so internalized his own established priorities that he does not recognize any intrusion into himself.

It is difficult to interact with such a person in all areas of life. These people live by the principle; “Only my opinion is correct.”

In marital relations everything must be subordinate to the desire of this partner. Any attempts to change something and convince him will be perceived as an enemy invasion of his territory. The reaction will depend on the characteristics of the character: from completely ignoring all appeals to declaring a real war.

Child-parent relationships will not recognize dialogue, which means that the only correct decision in all choices will be the opinion of this parent. Needless to say, what will this type of education lead to? The child's personality will not be distinguished by integrity and harmony. As a rule, such a child will grow into one of two psychotypes:

A person with completely blurred boundaries, with immature personal formations, unable to make decisions or achieve goals.
A person with strong personal boundaries, who does not know how to take into account circumstances and other people’s opinions, is down-to-earth, conflict-ridden, protestant. Such a person does not fit into society and withdraws into his own world, completely devoid of the joy of communication.

Not one of these personality types will satisfy the parent’s needs for the child’s self-realization. And, most obviously, in the future there will be a clear conflict between parents and children.

"Healthy Boundaries"

Considering the variant of the norm, the characteristics of healthy personality boundaries are actually determined. They can be compared with the borders of a prosperous state. Situations of the need to violate state borders always arise: import and export, tourism, exchange of experience. Despite the inaccessibility of the borders for enemy elements, the territory is accessible to everything positive.

The analogy with the territorial border is not accidental. Blocking the intrusion of other people's opinions and desires should only work if they are directed in a destructive direction. A person must take into account surrounding circumstances, analyze them and determine the degree of their importance. Then a decision is made: to let in or not. A lot depends on this decision: maintaining the integrity of one’s own personality, accepting the identity of another person, creating joint ways of acting.

Such relationships in psychology are called “subject-subject” or “I+I”. Both personalities are integral and accepted by each other as a whole, and not in portions. You can respect the opinion of another person, consider the options for his correct decisions, accept someone else’s worldview and largely reconsider your own, but at the same time remain yourself.

Taking into account other people's priorities does not mean losing your own. This means accepting the other person, opening your boundaries, but at the same time carrying out an “inspection” of your baggage.

This type of relationship is the most prosperous, because does not destroy a person’s personality, but enriches it with new relationships. Healthy boundaries enable us to experience true love—a feeling of mutual respect, acceptance, and giving. Healthy boundaries do not tolerate self-centeredness and sacrifice. Here they are not trying to educate and remake each other. And despite the time, in such relationships the main thing is preserved - the personality of each person.
However, life dictates situations in which people lose their boundaries:

Fear of loneliness
Fear of loss of love or rejection
Fear of the anger of others (relatives)
Guilt

All of the above conditions lead to a person destroys himself for the sake of another person. First, making small concessions, and then, completely losing the boundaries of his personality.

All this leads to the destruction of one’s own personality and does not bring happiness. We must remember: in order to live in harmony, you must first have your own “I”, and only then open it to others. First - freedom, and then - service!

In psychological practice, when working with clients, I often have to deal with various requests that have a common basis - unawareness, inability to construct, and, as a result, to defend personal psychological boundaries.

There are a huge number of difficulties generated by this problem: from codependent relationships, crisis in family life, in partnerships, to difficulties in child-parent relationships, various kinds of manipulation both in the private sphere and in business, violence, etc., etc. .

For people who struggle with boundaries, just thinking about them is often a revelation. So what are psychological boundaries?

Any boundaries presuppose the establishment of a certain limit, fence, wall, line, line denoting property, separating one space, territory from another, one’s own from someone else’s, etc. Each subject has its own borders, such as: state, region, region, and the person himself is no exception.

Personal boundaries separate the “territory” of one person from another, showing where one personal space ends and the territory of another person begins.

The physical boundaries of a person are, first of all, his body and this or that, depending on various factors, the distance around him. No less important for the feeling of one’s “presence”, awareness of one’s “I”, different from others, are psychological boundaries. They designate and protect the internal space, their own psychological territory, which includes:

● A system of ideas about myself (who I am, what is good and bad about me, what qualities I have, assessment of my appearance, etc.);

● Needs, desires, aspirations, goals and ideas about how to achieve them;

● A system of existential attitudes regarding the meaning of life and the meaning of current events, responsibility and guilt, love and loneliness, dependence and freedom, one’s own ability (or inability) to make decisions and choices, creativity and limiting obligations;

● Ideas about your own capabilities;

● Ways and style of interaction with other people;

● The right to create ideas and choose the way to implement them;

● Ideas about your place in the world and society;

● A system of rules and principles by which interaction with the social environment is built;

● Possession of some physical territory, that is, things, objects, objects that are called the word “mine” (for example, a table, sofa, room, house, clothing, workplace, etc.).

That is, in a psychological sense, boundaries are the understanding of one’s own “I” as separate from others. This understanding of our separateness forms the basis of our personality. Boundaries tell us where we are and where we are not; what we can choose and what we cannot; what we can bear and what we cannot; what we feel and what we don’t feel; what we like and what we don’t like; what we want and what we don't want. In short, boundaries define us. Just as physical boundaries define where private ownership begins and ends, spiritual and psychological boundaries define who we are and who we are not.

Psychologists distinguish two types of boundaries: defining And protective.

Defining boundaries linked to our accepted values, attitudes and norms, showing who we are and who we are not. They affirm both for ourselves and for those around us the essence of our personality, denoting what we consider the most important and valuable. This type of boundaries serves to identify and clarify oneself. A person, by erecting defining boundaries, seems to be communicating, giving a signal to other people about who he is. For example, “I am a mother, and my parental duty is higher than professional duties”, “I am Russian and am proud of my history and country”, “I am an Orthodox Christian, I observe church traditions and canons”, “I am a night owl and I ask you early in the morning do not disturb”, etc., etc.

Protective boundaries protect the “I” from circumstances that we perceive as painful, threatening to self-esteem, and unpleasant. By setting protective boundaries, we try to make relationships with people comfortable and overcome communication difficulties. In their case, it will be something like this: “If you continue to make fun of me, I will stop communicating with you,” “If you don’t stop drinking, I will divorce you,” “If you don’t stop being late, I will go to visit in your own car,” etc. Protective boundaries are established by presenting the terms of communication, the violation of which will lead to consequences announced in advance.

Unlike defining ones, protective boundaries are mobile. If the attitude towards you changes and the terms of communication you set are observed, you can weaken them or completely eliminate them. Without facing unpleasant, painful, offensive circumstances, the need for protection disappears.

Thus, boundaries are a certain line separating “I” from others, one’s responsibilities and others’, one’s “territory” and not one’s. They allow you to be an individual as such, to have your own desires, needs, aspirations, and not someone else’s emotions, feelings, etc. Without them, we would not have seen the end of our responsibility - we would have worried about all people as much as about ourselves, the division of labor would never have come. With boundaries, everyone can clearly understand what they are responsible for (for their feelings, their actions, their decisions) and what they should not be responsible for (for the feelings of other people, their actions and decisions).

Psychological boundaries, like state ones, protect against attacks on the individual, on her internal, private space with all its content. By the very fact of their existence, they declare our sovereignty and protect us from uninvited, brutal invasion, aggression, various forms of violence and manipulation. Only, unlike physical ones, psychological boundaries are invisible, they are in consciousness and manifest themselves in behavior.

When interacting with each other, people inevitably come into contact. Their personal spaces, psychological territories, can be respected, protected, crossed, occupied or forcibly limited. Everything is the same as what happens to states and their borders.

The psychological spaces of different people can be, to one degree or another, a stable formation and have more or less strict boundaries, the violation of which always causes a negative reaction - from mild discomfort to painful experiences. Such a reaction, in turn, can stimulate the emergence of a wide variety of forms of defense, including retaliatory aggression. In any case, they always strive to preserve, protect, and defend their own borders. And when they are violated, conflicts, misunderstandings, irritation, etc. begin.

Obvious problems arise when we do not feel our boundaries and, as a result, do not know how to defend them. People with “shaky” boundaries, or without them at all, will, without realizing it, constantly cause latent irritation in others, even close friends. Ultimately, everyone will avoid such people; no one will want to communicate with them for a long time.

So, violation of psychological boundaries we will call the influence of one person on another with varying degrees of violence (that is, without obtaining consent) in order to change, at his own discretion, a person’s system of ideas about himself, his capabilities, resources and his place in the world, to force him to change the rules and principles, to impose alien goals and methods of achieving them, etc., as well as unauthorized use and appropriation of the physical territory of another person or his objects of the physical world.

An extreme form of encroachment on personal boundaries is occupation of psychological territory, as a result of which the violation of boundaries occurs in all spheres of a person’s life and, moreover, with a high degree of intensity.

Here are examples from practice that demonstrate border issues:

● You are asked to do something that you do not want and is not in your interests, and you do not refuse the request. There may be another situation when you voluntarily take on other people’s responsibilities without their request.

● You are humiliated, insulted, both verbally and perhaps physically, and you humbly endure it.

● You live entirely by the needs and interests of other people, and are little taken into account.

● People close to you make jokes about you in front of other people and think it’s “funny.” You, feeling “uncomfortable” in these situations, do not show it to them.

● Trying to support and console, you talk on the phone for a long time every day with your “unhappy” friend, or she spends all her free time at your house. You have no time left for household chores, to communicate with your husband and children, but you continue to give her all your attention, afraid of offending her.

● When working with clients, you pass their problems through yourself. If something gets out of control, turns into unexpected things, you may not sleep at night until you resolve work situations.

● Your friends regularly violate agreements between you and are late without warning, do not pay you back on time, force you to agree to a pastime that is uninteresting/unnecessary/unpleasant for you.

● They take your personal belongings without asking your permission.

● Different people, in varying degrees of closeness to you, ask questions about your intimate life and everything connected with it, and you answer, even if it’s unpleasant for you to do so. Or you are privy to the details of someone’s intimate life without being convinced of your desire to talk and listen about it.

● You have long become an adult, and your relatives still teach you how to “live”, make important decisions for you and “contribute” in every possible way to the arrangement of your personal life. Or, being already an adult and living independently, you constantly, every step of your life, check with the opinion of your parents, most often your mother. For any, even insignificant, issue, you consult with her.

● Acquaintances and friends constantly tell you about the problems in their lives without asking your permission. This has begun to annoy you, but you continue to be a collective “vest”, “a rug for wiping your feet”, etc.

This is just a small list of examples showing the violation of psychological boundaries and the inability to build them in communication with people.

Psychological boundaries begin to form at an early age in the family, in communication with loved ones. To establish “healthy” boundaries, the same conditions are necessary as for the development of a psychologically mature personality. This is the formation of primary, basal trust, autonomy, initiative, stable personal identity, the experience of unconditional acceptance and intimacy, healthy separation from parents, etc.

Personal perceptions of psychological boundaries may vary. From “healthy”, balanced boundaries, clearly constructed and flexible, depending on situations, to complete absence or only a hint of their presence.

“Immature” includes not only individuals “without borders,” but also those who have built impenetrable dividing lines.

People with boundary violations behave differently. Three possible reactions can be distinguished.

1) In the case when borders destroyed, open, a person is not sensitive to the needs of both his own personality and the personalities of other people. He easily becomes an object of use, manipulation, and easy prey for violence. Often such people do not understand the difference between intimacy and publicity; women may not be picky in sexual relationships.

2). The second type of reaction is associated with closed borders. A person traumatized by the painful experience of destructive relationships, childhood traumas, can “build” insurmountable barriers around himself, actually isolating himself from relationships that require disclosure. Such people seem to be on the defensive all their lives, becoming a completely closed system. Constantly defending their territory, they trust no one and are doomed to live in a state of war with everyone around them. They see a threat everywhere, even where there is none. Children's negative decisions cause them to perceive the world as bad and extremely hostile, and to interpret non-hostile actions as hostile. Internal aggression easily turns externally, and after defending, they often take the offensive, violating the boundaries of other people. Having formed in situations that required strong protection, over time, even when there are no threats to the individual, they continue to invariably fulfill their role, preventing true intimacy and self-disclosure in relationships.

It is important to remember that we are created for relationships, and mutual acceptance is impossible without intimacy, openness to each other, and mutual trust. And this cannot be achieved without taking risks, the courage to remove all our defenses, to become vulnerable. Without relationships, there is no full life, and a person is destined to go beyond the psychological defenses he has built again and again, to move closer to people.

3) The third reaction is intermediate between the first two. This is the behavior of a person with blurry, unsteady boundaries. He is disoriented and can behave either as in the first type of reaction, with open boundaries, or as in the second, with closed boundaries. Moreover, fluctuations in his behavior - from complete openness to the construction of impenetrable defenses, as a rule, do not correspond to the situations. He has ideas about boundaries, but there are no clear principles for building and defending them.

So, it is vitally important for every person to understand that gaining true freedom in any sphere of life is impossible without establishing “healthy” boundaries. If boundaries are absent or collapse, then relationships inevitably collapse, work becomes a slavish duty, and spiritual growth stops. Boundaries affect us in all areas - physical, psychological, spiritual, and in interpersonal relationships.

If there are no boundaries, they need to be constructed; if they are unstable, then they should be strengthened. Borders serve our protection, building the necessary buffer between people, preventing any attacks on the psychological space of the individual.

The work of building healthy, balanced personality boundaries is complex, systemic in nature and is directly related to achieving the maturity of the “I” system. I will give just a few of the many possible directions for establishing “healthy” boundaries. This work must include:

● Increasing self-esteem, self-esteem, strengthening faith in one’s worth and significance;

● Learning to trust your own feelings. Discovering your true essence is possible only by accepting and demonstrating what is happening in the inner world at each specific moment, without suppressing and condemning yourself. This can be helped by mastering the skills of “I-statement”, as the ability to speak openly about one’s experiences, needs and true desires;

● Learning the ability to say “yes” and especially “no”, depending on your true preferences and desires. The ability to say “no” is like a sign to the whole world: “I am an individual. I have needs, tastes, preferences that are just as important as yours. And I can stand up for myself." By saying “no,” you are defining the boundaries of your sovereignty. Learning to firmly object is an important stage in the struggle for independence of thinking and behavior, for firmly following one’s intentions.

● Development of assertive behavior skills. They require the ability to expressively and clearly state what is desired; accept possible troubles; express your feelings openly and frankly; resolve emerging conflicts constructively; recognize and counteract manipulative techniques, etc.

This is daily work on yourself, the result of which will be the achievement of harmony with yourself and the people around you, and the formation of a realistic, adequate attitude towards yourself and the world.

We often have to deal with intentional or accidental invasion of personal space. To maintain peace of mind and psychological comfort, learn to set boundaries in relationships and behavior.

When we pronounce the word “border,” we mean some kind of barrier that separates one thing from another. The concept of “psychological boundary” is interpreted by psychologists as an understanding of where you end and where others begin. This applies to people of any age - both children and adults.

There are several main types of psychological boundaries:

physical - restrictions relating to the body (violation of such limits - blows, inappropriate touching, attempts at physical intimacy from strangers);
spatial - restrictions that help a person realize himself as a separate organism;
personal space is also a type of psychological limitation. It implies a “comfort zone” in which we feel protected: an apartment, a room, a favorite chair;
property - restrictions that relate to personal items (an example of a violation is a person’s encroachment on your personal hygiene items or clothing);
emotional - restrictions related to mental health (we feel them especially acutely when someone starts screaming, pressing for pity, trying to humiliate, asking provocative questions);
temporary - restrictions that are activated in those moments when our schedule is disrupted (for example, you regularly wait for a friend who continues to be late, showing disrespect).

Only we ourselves can set our own psychological boundaries. You can interrupt an unpleasant conversation, tell the person to “stop” when he wants to touch you or impose his company.

To become aware of your personal space, you can do exercises or read relevant literature. A few books in this area:

John Townsend "Personal Boundaries: Reboot";
Jenny Miller, Victoria Lambert “Personal boundaries. How to install and defend them”;
K.A. Bochaver, S.Yu. Bochaver “The living space of the family. Unification and division."

Violation of personal space can lead to mental disorders, so value yourself and take care of your peace of mind. Each of us is an individual with every right to harmony of soul and body.

It is a very common belief that all psychological problems stem from childhood. Psychologists confirm that this is actually true. If as a child your parents tried to artificially impose their opinions on you, infringed on your interests, and guided your actions, then in adulthood you may have problems building personal boundaries.

Childhood problems should be dealt with only with a qualified psychologist. Parents can be advised to start encouraging their child's independence from a very early age.

One of the first childhood “perestroikas” that influences the formation of personality is the crisis of upright posture. This period begins at a time when the baby learns to walk confidently on two legs, he is capricious, trying to defend his independence.

Adults should stay close, but at the same time give their offspring the opportunity to take the first steps themselves, and then hit their first bumps. No matter how hard it may be for you, try to recognize that the child is no longer completely dependent on you.

Further - more. You also cannot escape from the crisis of three and then seven years. Variability in the behavior of a primary school student also refers to crises. Try to be attentive to your child, do not put pressure on him, give him the opportunity to defend his personal space, establish contact with the outside world, otherwise you risk losing his trust.

Many people with a healthy psyche are flexible: what we can allow our loved ones to communicate with us, we do not allow strangers.

However, there are those who have too “strong” boundaries, not allowing anyone into their lives. This strategy is wrong, as is the search for too close contacts with everyone, which people with “thin” boundaries are prone to. You must build a policy in communicating with the outside world that will not allow you to give in to your life principles, but will allow you to make reasonable compromises.

Before you start working on psychological limitations, try to identify them for yourself. Here are some popular ways to set personal boundaries:

learn to say “no”: you cannot meet everyone halfway and are not obliged to do something that will create additional difficulties and inconveniences for you (remember that refusal is not the same as rudeness);
determine your life goals and beliefs that you will not sacrifice;
learn to protect responsibility to yourself: understand that everything that happens in your life depends only on you, so you should step out of the role of a victim and start taking action.

Each of us has the right to the inviolability of those psychological boundaries that he considered necessary to establish. Once you realize your role in this world and understand what is right for you, you can easily build a unified strategy of behavior and achieve harmony in life.