Why is it good to be alone? Women's choice: live alone or with a man

Four studies break stereotypes about people who prefer to be alone.

You probably think that loners are terrible people who are hiding somewhere, plotting another mass murder? However, true loners are people who enjoy being alone.

What are they really like, people who prefer solitude? Thanks to new methods, we have documented answers.
First of all, let's understand what it means to be alone. One of the meanings of this expression is to spend time alone. When measuring this value, the “Desire to be alone” scale developed by Birk Hagemeir is used.

People with high levels of desire to be alone agree with statements such as:

When I'm alone, I feel relaxed.
I like to be completely alone.

They disagree with the following statements:

I feel uneasy when I'm alone.
I quickly get tired of being alone.

The second meaning of “being alone” refers to people who are not in a relationship and are not afraid of it. When measuring this value, the “Fear of Loneliness” scale developed by Stephanie Spielman is used.

People who are not afraid of being single (without a partner) disagree with statements such as:

I feel anxious when I think I might be alone forever.
I will definitely feel like there is something wrong with me if I don't meet anyone and I'm alone.

Study details

Participants

The first group consisted of 301 participants, average age 29 years old. Only 33 of them were married; 131 were single and not dating anyone, the rest had partners. The second group consisted of 147 Canadian students, average age 19 years. Only 2 were married, 105 were not in a relationship, the rest were dating someone. The results were averaged across both groups. The study was carried out using the “Fear of Loneliness” scale.

Two groups of middle-aged Germans took part in the study on the “Desire to be alone” scale and all participants were in long-term (at least a year) relationships. The first study involved 476 people (average age 35 years), and the results were averaged between men and women. The second study included 578 heterosexual couples (mean age 42 years). The results were examined separately for men and women.

Personality characteristics

The Big Five (five-factor personality test) was administered to all study participants:

Neuroticism: anxious, insecure, restless
Openness to experience: inventive, inquisitive, creative
Extraversion: sociable, friendly, confident
Agreeableness: kind-hearted, trusting, ready to help
Conscientiousness: conscientious, hardworking, organized

A study of people who like to spend time alone measured sociability.

In a study of those who are not afraid of being alone (not in a relationship), the following characteristics were additionally studied:

Self-esteem that depends on relationships: the extent to which self-esteem levels depend on romantic relationships
Need to Affiliate: People with a need to belong especially agree with the statement “I need to know that I have someone I can turn to when I’m feeling down.”
Vulnerability: People who can be easily hurt.
Increased sensitivity to neglect: These people expect rejection and therefore experience anxiety.
Loneliness: measured by “How often do you feel like you lack social interaction?”
Depression: measured by the statement, “I felt that I could not get rid of depression, despite the support of family or friends.”

Results:

If our stereotypes about people who enjoy solitude were true, we would find them to be nervous and closed to new experiences. But in fact, this is completely wrong.

People who love solitude and are not afraid to be alone are open, creative and inquisitive. They are more friendly and trusting compared to people who are afraid of being alone.

I am often asked a question about the level of introversion of people who prefer solitude. The results of our research show that these are extroverts. This may be because single people, on average, have more friends than married people, and they do more to maintain their relationships with friends, neighbors, relatives and parents.

People who are not afraid of loneliness are not too sensitive to rejection and their feelings cannot be easily hurt. When they are in a romantic relationship, their self-esteem does not depend on how the relationship is going. They do not have a strong need to belong. They are less likely to experience feelings of abandonment and depression.

The results of another study showed that people who are not afraid of being single have their own standards. For example, on speed dating they are less likely to give out their contact information, and if they are in a relationship that does not suit them, they will quickly break off such a relationship, compared to people who are afraid of loneliness.
And, despite such encouraging results, the attitude towards people who like to be alone, who choose to stay alone, is quite harsh, since there are attitudes and stereotypes about how to live and what kind of lifestyle to lead. Perhaps over time, as more people openly enjoy their single lives, this will change. Happy singles are becoming part of our cultural landscape.

Introverts are “introverted people” who, by generally accepted standards, are reserved, uncommunicative and prefer loneliness to any company.

Today we will find out if this is true and share with you the opinions and stories of male and female Quora users. They are all introverts, and each of them has something to say.

I'm an introvert. And this doesn't mean that I hate people

No, this does not mean that I hate people. I just don't like being around them.

I'm not one of those introverts who gets nervous around people, especially if they're strangers. Even if I suddenly start to get a little nervous, I can still communicate quite freely. If a person is an introvert, this does not mean that he is shy.

Personally, I hate so-called small talk, which is actually stupid chatter and a waste of time.
Often I have to explain to people that if I am silent, it does not mean that I am bored, offended or angry. Maybe I'm just fighting my inner dragon.
Contrary to popular belief, not all introverts are quiet and quiet. I can talk for hours about what interests me.
But I still love silence, yes.

I can say a lot more on this topic, but I think that all this will not apply exclusively to introverts. Who knows, maybe I’m just a narcissistic person and I think that my thoughts are much more interesting than what others say.

And now to the main question: do I feel lonely?

Yes. And, surprisingly, I feel lonely when I am surrounded by people.

When I'm alone, I rarely get bored, I can always find something to do. Yes, of course, sometimes, like all people, I feel sad. But it’s not because I’m alone that a tearful song, thoughts about my failures, even the situation in my country can drive me into such a state. But in such cases I don’t feel alone.

But when there are a lot of people around me, and I don’t feel connected to them, that’s when I feel lonely.

For example, I can sit next to my best friend and not talk to him for several hours without us both feeling lonely.

But I might be at a party with 10, 20 or even 40 people. I can talk to them, listen to them and laugh with them, but after a while I realize that this is all just a superficial game.

That's when I want to howl from loneliness.

I'm tired of making excuses because I like being alone

What does it feel like, you ask? So, I often feel guilty. I have to apologize to others for not wanting to spend time with them. I'm tired of trying to convince others that there's nothing wrong with introversion - it's normal. I'm an introvert and I feel good. I'm tired of making excuses because I just like being alone.

I've thought about this a lot, especially in the last year and a half. Introverts get an unnecessarily bad rap for reasons I don't fully understand. I would like to dispel some misconceptions. Of course, what follows are only my thoughts, with which you may or may not agree.

Misconception 1: Introversion is just a fancy word used to hide a lack of social skills.

This is one of the most common misconceptions about introverts. We are thought of as social outcasts. When we were children, we were taught that we should make friends with other children and play with them in the sandbox. If we didn't want to do this, everyone, even our parents, began to doubt our normality.

In fact, most introverts are quite sociable, know how to behave well in society, and yes, they have friends too. They simply don’t like to waste time on useless conversations and don’t want to spend Friday night at a bar, sipping whiskey and cola in the company of complete strangers.

Misconception 2. Introverts are quiet and don’t like to talk.

But I don't like speaking in front of a crowd of strangers. I don’t like talking over loud music in a bar and seeing that my words are an empty sound to others. I don't like having conversations for the sake of talking, I don't like finding words just to say something.

But I like to talk about what is important to me. I love discussing with people what really concerns them. And if we find common topics for conversation, then I’m generally ready to talk for hours.

Misconception 3: Introverts always prefer to spend time alone rather than with others.

This is also not always true. Some of my best memories are traveling with friends and implementing a project as a team.

As I said above, I can easily find a common language with other people. But as an introvert, I need balance in everything: the hours I spend with others must be balanced by the hours I spend in silence and solitude. For me, this is a kind of reboot, so I rest and gather my thoughts.

Misconception 4: Introverts are not leaders

We are used to seeing exceptionally charismatic leaders and believe that in order to lead people, you must be an extrovert.

But let's think carefully. Albert Einstein was an introvert. Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are also introverts. And many other outstanding people have been and will be introverts.

People become leaders not only because of their personal qualities, but also because of their knowledge and abilities. Introverts tend to spend a lot of time doing what they love, which is why they make the greatest discoveries and create the largest corporations.

Misconception 5. There are few introverts

According to various studies, more than half of people around the world consider themselves introverts.

As I mentioned above, in our society there is such a stereotype: to be an introvert means to be different from everyone else, a black sheep, practically an outcast. Because of this, many people never openly admit that they are introverts.

Instead of a conclusion

Being an introvert is not bad, shameful or abnormal. And for those who still doubt this, I suggest watching this video.

People are different: some people constantly need communication, while others prefer solitude. It's just a fact that needs to be accepted.

Introverts don't like small talk: I can't feign interest in a topic I don't care about

If people find out that you are an introvert, then for some reason they immediately begin to consider you arrogant, rude and secretive. You are less willing to be invited to parties and other similar gatherings. If you get married, your friends will joke about “how did this reserved dude even decide to meet her.”

But here's what I want to tell you as an introvert:

Introverts tend to be willing to talk about topics that they enjoy. I would love to talk with others about cinema and sports, but fashion, for example, is not of interest to me at all. I can't feign interest in a topic I don't care about.
Introverts are not boors or hermits. We just need our own space. We need time that we can spend exclusively on ourselves; it is important for us to be alone with our thoughts. And we hate it when someone tries to deprive us of this. Respect the personal space of introverts, their right to be themselves, and, believe me, they will become your most reliable companions.
Yes, many introverts may not be the best storytellers, but they are great listeners. My friends know that I won't be a good party companion, but they always remember that I'm willing to listen to them if they need it.

Do introverts feel lonely?

Yes, I felt lonely a hundred times: when I wasn’t invited to parties, when I had to go to the movies alone, when all my friends had girlfriends and I didn’t. I felt lonely when I moved to a new city where I didn't know anyone and didn't even have anyone to talk to.

But I learned to live with my loneliness. I looked at life differently. I was not subject to the herd instinct: I watched those films and read those books that I really wanted to watch and read, and not because they were fashionable and everyone around was talking about them. I thought a lot and, by the way, thanks to this I began to write.

Introverts are ordinary people. They just need personal space, and they prefer to talk only about topics that interest them. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that they like to be alone.

I don't crave communication

All my best ideas come to me when I'm alone. I am more productive when working alone on any project.

I rarely start a conversation first. But if someone starts talking to me, I always keep the conversation going. Remember that introverts are not aliens and will not run away as soon as they hear the sound of your voice.

I don't crave communication. I love being involved in large projects, but still completing the task alone. If I still have to be around a large group of people, then the next day I try to protect myself from communication and be alone. I need this kind of “day off from people” even after I go to the movies with friends. I'm on my own, and I'm not bored or lonely.

Once at university I was talking with my classmate about clubs. I said that I found it boring and tiring, to which he replied: “Well, it’s still better than staring at the ceiling at home all evening.” I remember how stunned I was by his answer. I thought, are these people really that unimaginative? After all, there is so much in the world that you can learn and learn about! Instead, they spend their time in clubs, and not because they are all avid partygoers, but because it is accepted, it is considered cool. Oh yes, and that eternal “everyone does it.”

There are no unnecessary or random people in my life

Many people like to talk about the disadvantages of introversion, but I want to talk about the advantages.

I never get bored when I'm alone.
I don't like formal short conversations. If I talk to a person, then it is a real fruitful dialogue.
I have my own opinion. And I never worry about the fact that it may not coincide with the opinion of the majority.
There are no unnecessary or random people in my life. If I have friends, they are real friends.

Introverts feel suffocated in a group of people where everyone thinks the same way

I am an introvert, and I really like to be alone if I have something to do that I can devote myself completely to. But it’s unlikely that I could withstand more than three days without communication. I believe we all need someone to talk to, even introverts.

Most introverts have their own special views on life, they have their own opinion, which they are ready to defend. They do not like the typical views that prevail in most mini-communities.

Imagine: you are talking to a person who smells of high-quality and pleasant-smelling perfume. Of course, you like to have a conversation with such a person. Let's say you find yourself in a company in which several people use the same perfume. It may annoy you, but it's generally tolerable.

Now imagine that you are in a room in which 50 people use the same perfume. Naturally, the aroma will be suffocating, and all you will want to do is immediately run out into the fresh air.

Sometimes introverts also feel suffocated in a group of people where everyone thinks the same way. They prefer to communicate with individuals rather than with crowds.

Additionally, I believe that introverts focus on quality over quantity. Sometimes being in a room full of people making small talk about the weather or gossiping makes me feel like I'm in an empty room - I feel just as lonely.

I can keep myself in good company

I’m an introvert, but I’m sure that if I tell any of my friends about this, they’re unlikely to believe me. I have friends with whom I often communicate and go out. But at the same time, I consider myself an introvert.

I like to do things alone. I never seek the approval of others, and I am very sad when I notice that most of those around me behave like children: they are waiting for an adult to come and tell them what is good and what is bad, what is possible and what is not.

Do I feel lonely? Yes, sometimes. But not as often as my extroverted friends: they are driven into real panic by the thought that they will have to go somewhere alone, while I can absolutely calmly go to the cinema or theater alone and even go on a trip alone .

I love being in the company of other people, but I always remember that I can be good company for myself.

Introversion - enemy and friend

My introversion is my worst enemy when I'm around people and my best friend when I'm alone.

My father often changed jobs, and we had to move to different cities. I changed many schools, and in each of them I immediately became a “strange, unsociable girl.”

I never really developed relationships with others, plus I was the only child in the family, and my parents were too busy with their careers and they had no time for me.

I often had internal dialogues. From the outside I looked like a quiet and lost puppy, but who knew what debates were going on in my head non-stop! I thought a lot, noticed a lot, was an inquisitive and observant child.

I spent my free time reading books, solving puzzles, or just daydreaming. As I already mentioned, it was difficult for me to get along with my peers, as, indeed, it is still difficult.

But I don’t regret anything - I accept myself for who I am, and I can call myself a happy person.

Communication with others is a test for me

I am an introvert and I can also call myself a shy person.

Conversation is like an exam for me

I'm always worried. I go over what I'm going to say thousands of times in my head. I always feel like I said something wrong. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing a role.

This often exhausts me, and all I want after such conversations is to go home and be alone.

I hate parties

Especially if there are a lot of people I don’t know there. I have no idea where to start a conversation with a stranger. And even if I decide to start, I’m unlikely to be able to support it.

It's hard for me to ask for anything

I have always found it difficult to ask for help, so I prefer to deal with everything alone. What help is there - sometimes I’m embarrassed to even call my friends and invite them for a walk.

I like to be alone

I often go to the movies alone. I like to sit in a cafe alone and read a book. I like to take a walk in the park in good weather and just watch people.

What do you think about this?

Toothpaste with or without whitening? Apartment with or without a park view? Life with or without a man? Girls of the 21st century find it easier to make decisions on their own, as well as find a way out of the most difficult situations. The phrase “You are alone, because it is not easy to find a young man, there are few of them, you attract no one, there are no worthy ones” does not sound very convincing to them. Do you recognize yourself?

Psychologists and trainers of interpersonal relationships have long explained: if a woman wants a relationship and is ready for it, a man will appear in her life, and very quickly. Many who dreamed of finding a couple took courses like “Five Steps to Meeting a Partner,” after which they found out that starting an affair is not at all difficult, if only you had the desire. But the problem is with desire. It's time to ask yourself: do you really want to be with a man, or is your conscious choice to be alone?

It is worth noting that the right to choose is not so easy for a modern girl. Advisers and evaluators swarm around us, wanting to confuse us and tell us how to live. From the screens, on the air of programs like “Let's get married!” demands flow in a stream for something
It didn’t matter to create a couple: “A woman must be settled!” But to whom exactly does it owe it?
Recently, having ended an unsuccessful romance, my friend Lena, instead of a new groom, was looking for a new
an apartment in which I dreamed of forgetting about dirty socks in the corners and daily dinners of three meat courses. “I sincerely wanted to be alone, because previous relationships burst due to everyday life. The man in the house requires a lot of effort, leaving no time for other interests,” she complained. Lena wanted to devote time to massage, manicure, cinema and meeting with friends. As luck would have it, the owner of the apartment that she liked unceremoniously declared: “You know, single girls make me suspicious, I hope
you will think about marriage.” Lena indignantly rejected this “tempting” option. “It wasn’t enough to arrange your personal life in order to earn the trust of the landlord,” she snorted. But people who are accustomed to thinking in stereotypes still find it difficult to understand how a girl can feel good without a man. It turns out, maybe, and how! Books, movies and even a quiet morning in the kitchen can be more interesting than an evening together. “The desire to live without a partner does not mean that a lonely person is an angry, unhappy bastard,” says artist Ksenia Larina, who has been living alone for 15 years and does not suffer at all. “It just shows that you respect your own and other people’s space.” For example, you want to walk around the apartment with unwashed hair in a stretched out T-shirt without any embarrassment; you can afford not to wash the dishes for weeks.” As for the nagging feeling of loneliness, which many are so afraid of, according to Ksenia (and she is one hundred percent right in this), it in no way correlates with the presence of people around: a person can feel melancholy even in an apartment filled with close relatives.

Psychologist Natalya Georgieva, president of Workline Group, agrees with Ksenia and confirms that among her clients there are many successful women who like to be alone: “We are endlessly imposed stereotypes and standards that make us feel embarrassed about our freedom. Admitting that you like being alone is simply indecent! But strong, independent girls defend their right and do not allow just anyone into their lives. And the point here is not the desire for loneliness, but the integrity, maturity and self-sufficiency of the individual.”

However, there are other reasons why girls refuse to share their lives with someone else. Unfortunately, they are far from the definition of “happiness and independence.” For example, the belief that “nobody likes me,” “my parents don’t approve of my boyfriends.” The danger is that from the outside these arguments also look reasonable, but in fact they are only the result of self-deception.

Through a closed door

“Is it normal to feel a strong desire to live alone?” — I asked this question to professionals who study interpersonal relationships. The leader of women's trainings, Devi Evseeva, spoke about her experience: when girls come to her trainings on femininity, they often declare that they want to be soft and attractive, but not for the sake of men, but simply for themselves. Their words are respectful. However, literally after a couple of classes, the clients’ opinion changes: it turns out that in fact the participants are very
they need male attention, but they don’t know how to get it. Why weren't these women aware of their needs before?

When we cannot build a relationship for a long time, we often convince ourselves that “we didn’t really want to.” The conviction can be so sincere that we begin to firmly believe in it and even invent corresponding roles for ourselves, for example, an introvert, who, by definition, should strive for loneliness. But such an imaginary introvert is easy to discern by his favorite phrase, “I’m better off being alone, because...”, followed by several options: “Because all men cheat,” “Because they’re all stupid.” All of these, according to psychologists, are excuses for not noticing the real situation. And it consists in the fact that the girl has problems that need to be solved.

One of my friends, a financier named Elena, a rare lucky one in her career, stepped from a dull Moscow office straight into the Paris office of a large company. But in her personal life she is not capable of change. When I wonder what exactly is wrong in the next
fan, why the relationship didn’t work out again, she answers the same thing: “He doesn’t know how to multiply three-digit numbers in his head.” To my question about who even knows how to multiply them, she just shrugs, continuing to rather aggressively diagnose men with “dementia.” Could she live with one of these? Not for the world! Of course, it's better to be left alone. This is where the deceit lies: the girl accuses men of not being worthy of her, thereby covering up her aggression towards them. Of course, we all want ideal companions who will love, adore and meet all our expectations. If not, they are ready to remain alone, just not to compromise. The trick is that the partner will not really want to take care of us and comply if we begin our acquaintance with complaints about the multiplication table or accusations of underdeveloped intelligence. Answering the question “Why are wonderful girls lonely?”, coach, psychologist and famous blogger Stéphane Laborisserie urges women to pay attention to this very point: “You won’t like what I say, but I will be extremely frank. Often women start communicating with men with complaints, with a sour expression on their faces, after which they wonder why they cannot find the right person. Sometimes they hide their negative attitude towards the world behind the masks of “diva”, “know-it-all” or “stylish thing”. Men do not refuse sex with them, but they are in no hurry to build relationships.” Exit? Get rid of masks urgently.

Who's to blame

The image of an iron lady who doesn’t need anyone or a victim who is not worthy of love are masks that you should part with without regrets and just understand that you are an ordinary girl striving for happiness. The second advice that experts give is to find a place for a man in your life. “It doesn’t matter whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, everyone wants a relationship,” says Devi Evseeva. “But it happens that it is more difficult for closed girls to let a partner into their space. I once asked a client who really wanted to find a man if there was a place for her beloved in her home. She decisively answered “No!”, because she has a small apartment and every thing should be in its place. “How will you live when a man appears?” I asked. “I’ll move in with him,” was the answer. But if you don't have room for him, why should he have room for you? Work on relationships should begin with changes in personal space, personal not only in the sense of “home”, but also “soul”.

My friend Olga followed this path. At the age of 28, she found herself alone with a child, but did not rush headlong to look for a new man, but took a break to figure it out. It turned out that Olga smothered her ex-wife with care and attention, making him the center of the universe and losing her own personality against his background. The man simply could not stand such a sacrifice. Now Olga deliberately avoids men because she is trying to love herself, find hobbies, interests and a favorite job. She is confident that she will want a relationship again when she is happy with her own life.

Some will call this selfishness, but psychologist Natalya Georgieva strongly recommends not to confuse selfishness and self-sufficiency: “Self-love is not narcissism, but working on your shortcomings. This is how a complete personality is formed, capable of adequately assessing its light and dark sides.” According to Natalya, having gone through this path, a person becomes interesting to others. Paradox: people who truly love and value their loneliness are very rarely lonely.

The problem of loneliness is especially acute in our time. Although, it would seem, all conditions have been created for communication: clubs, bars, social networks, etc. But it turns out that the more people there are around, the more painful the feeling of loneliness becomes. All communication has become superficial. In big cities, people do not find time to meet with family or friends, which only worsens their situation.

Although there are still people who enjoy being alone. They are also called introverts. But let's first look at the negative sides of the phenomenon, which will help us better understand.

Cons of loneliness

The psychology of loneliness often becomes the subject of research by many scientists. Not long ago it became clear that both men and women without a permanent partner lead an unhealthy lifestyle (smoking and drinking more), and also devote all their time to work, which significantly shortens their lifespan.

In addition, deprivation of constant approval and support affects self-esteem. We stop believing in ourselves. This may have a negative impact on career growth.

Another thing can be called the absence of a person to whom you can “pour out your soul,” which leads to depression.

Pros of loneliness

Despite all of the above, some people consciously refuse to communicate excessively. They like to be alone with themselves, when there is an endless stream of information around them from the television screen and from the Internet. This is their psychology of loneliness. Solitude allows them to get to know themselves better, to know their thoughts and desires, to set clear goals and determine how to achieve them.

How to get rid of loneliness

If you still feel an urgent need to communicate, we offer you some tips that will help you establish connections with others.

Improve yourself. Read interesting books, watch movies - do everything to become an interesting conversationalist.
. The psychological characteristics of loneliness are such that the more often we are left alone with ourselves, the harder it is to return to society later. Sign up for interesting courses or dances - there you will find friends who are close in spirit.
Travel. If possible, go explore new cities and countries.
Be friendly and try to find positive aspects in any person.

Psychologists say that loneliness is a natural human state, and there is no need to be afraid of it. You just need to not feel sorry for yourself, but use this time profitably. By understanding the psychology of loneliness, you can better understand yourself. And this, in turn, will help you find a common language with any environment.

I'm not old enough to be intimate. I don't understand the specific contact of merging with further sticking. I don’t understand the time for evenings together. I don’t understand how it would be if the choice was between an evening alone with yourself or with someone else, even a third. I'm missing me. And sometimes it happens that there is not enough! When the world and social contacts require attention, inclusion and other activity - time in solitude, alone with yourself, is the most precious and desired. To be alone with myself, I can return in the evening, after “battles and conquests,” on foot, a long way, for about two hours. This is my rest, my relaxation, my time to listen to myself. Just like at home. What to read, what to watch, in what place and position to sit. Without a pair of looking eyes, without unnecessary sounds of an outside voice, without “God forbid” addresses to me, it pulls me out of self-absorption and returns me to the presence “here”, and if these are also requests for something... what? All. Time is stolen, taken away, begged for. In general, you either give it to someone else now, share it with him, with someone else... leaving yourself at this moment (Or you refuse and a rarefied atmosphere hangs in the air with resentment decomposed into atoms. It’s not that it interferes much, but it makes a noise. Why is it necessary? I’m in vain I buy candles all the time with light scents of all sorts of vanilla, chocolate, rose and so on. For the sake of the atmosphere, the softness, the smoothness that comes not only from the aroma, but also from the flame. And then there are some interferences created by others. And how can I get him out? You can’t lure me into someone else’s house, but I don’t want to let anyone in. I never understand why this is necessary, I don’t understand this need, I don’t understand touch. either a self-sufficient or immature (I didn’t define it exactly) brain can trigger a similar reaction. But she’s one of those people who wanted an apple, “Oh, I want an apple,” she got up, went, ate it. But if the apple comes after me and asks me. ate it, or sadly glance at me from behind the kitchen, sighing and frowning at her tail, “When do you decide to eat me, I’ll be completely lost,” or it will begin to seduce me, exposing its multi-colored sides, yellow, red... at first it may humorous, a little, but then it gets boring, then such intrusiveness and inappropriateness will begin to irritate, after which I will generally hate or kill. Is the diagram understood? When I wanted it, I went and took it. I have the same need for contact, hugs, etc. I'm lucky with people. There are a couple of what are called “safe” in the modern world, whom I can call, meet, come and just hug. Without any special sentimentality and other calf tenderness, I am not huggable, at all. That’s why I voice such rare attacks, very rare ones, in advance. “I need a hug, is that okay?” and “of course.” I come up, hug the person, he hugs me, we can stand like this for half a minute, the body receives its contact, tactile, then I let go of the person, he is reluctant, but also lets me go, I busily say “thank you.” And then we talk about pressing matters, how are you, everything is fine, let's take a walk, see you soon.

This is how I live. And that's okay for me. You can diagnose me, put labels on me, I know about such “symptoms” no less than you do)) And how is it characterized)) It’s easier to explain such non-typicality as a deviation, psychological trauma recorded in the brain and body, offer authentic dances, telescoping, reimprinting, EMDR. And hope that we will “cure” and you will become normal, you will find a man, you will watch TV series in the evenings, you will love cats, you will pet them. But I don't like it. Cats. I don't like ironing. And I don’t like it even more when they try to pet me. And that's me. And if I am a traumatist, then I am the happiest one, since this situation suits me quite well. I don't follow anyone else. I am unfamiliar with the feeling of jealousy and possessiveness. I cannot explain with my mind what prompts a person to be jealous, what it is and what feelings it evokes. I was interested in this a lot, asked my friends. Someone said that it’s something when it bakes inside and stings your eyes, another said that it’s cold and looks like fear, as if you’re worried that someone important will get lost and get lost. Maybe the whole point is that I never felt the pain of loss. Because no one initially belongs to anyone. Yes, there have been times in my life when I liked people, and some of them I liked so much that the thoughts “I wish I could spend more time with this person” arose. More is a little more of those fleeting encounters in my everyday life, but never “for years, forever.” How do I know that this person will throw it away in a year? Maybe his views, tastes, habits will change. Or mine. And the resonance will be such that staying close is no longer interesting, inappropriate. And what? Pretend? Should I take my words about “together forever” back? It's better not to say that at all. Is it fun being together now? Great. There are points of contact, common interest, and if they are also useful to each other and contribute to mutual development, that’s great. But what does it have to do with being together 24 hours a day, frying potatoes and taking pictures. My routine is weird. I can wake up at 5 am and start washing the floors while doing the splits. And I don't want anyone to look at me in bewilderment. And I don’t eat potatoes, neither fried nor boiled. I lived with a guy who loved Coca-Cola and drank liters of it. For me, the difference between this poison and bottles of moonshine is indistinguishable. I hated these eggplants in the house. All this is incompatible with my nutritional system and preaching tolerance towards others... I couldn’t explain to myself why. We separated (yes, we lived together) for another reason, but more and more often I think that it was already possible to draw a conclusion from these bottles of Coca-Cola and politely help the other person pack his suitcase.

I’m not from that caste that proudly declares “I have an intolerable character,” pfft. And such “there will be someone who will endure”, a kind of warrior-endure) Nooo. I don't want anyone to put up with me. This kind of suffering shouldn’t happen at all, everything should be a pleasure. I won't say that I have a complex character. For me personally, it is beautiful and logical, I understand every motive for my action, and if something happens that surprises me, then psychoanalysis will help me, we will figure it out with ourselves and find out everything. On the one hand, I don’t need witnesses to my internal-external life. On the other hand, I don’t want to burden anyone with myself. I live in several spaces parallel to cosmic life, in a frantic pace with moments of grounding-freezing-contemplation. And I switch to the language of silence, communicating through the vibration of energies. Once I met a person who heard my “language” and was even able to respond. This was the best dialogue I've had in recent years. Incredible closeness of understanding. Afterwards we broke up and never saw each other again. I still remember this person with warmth and when this happens, I mentally send him rays of goodness and hope that he is doing well. There is no need for repeated contact, retention, intrusion into his life and other earthly things at all. He has his own business. I have my own. Considering that the person also does not bother me, I confirm my theory of understanding.

I like to be with people, or with a certain person whom I have now allocated, for myself, for a certain amount of time and at certain moments. I myself came, stayed and left. Or she called, they met and also went their separate ways. But I don’t know what to do next with a person when he wants to stay longer. That's it, time is up for you, now I have time for myself or my own affairs. And why are you standing? Will you watch me work, you pervert? I don't need a caretaker. Or pay for a clear example (Jack London turns on; socionics:). If I need help, I will find where to get it and from whom. If I need relaxation, I'll go to a massage therapist. If I need to talk, or even speak out, there is my mother, I am on excellent terms with her, there are personal diaries, the most useful thing for now, and also with investment usefulness for the future. In extreme cases, when my mother has no time for me, and writing makes my pen hurt, there is a psychologist. Paid, talked, got a fresh, rational look, or just blurted out, asking not to comment, you just need “blah blah blah” and that’s it. And he left. There are also books. This is also an interesting way of communication, an internal dialogue with someone from the other world. Or with someone who is on another piece of earth, and does not know you nominally, but still you are already “communicating”, the person spoke in a book, and you respond, with your thoughts, to his. It’s all so magical and beautiful, how everything is interconnected in the world.
Therefore, there is no need to sit and hold hands, let’s be like little and big, take care of me! And I'll be about you. An unspoken agreement.

Maybe someone likes it, its charms, buns and dividends. I like to take care of myself. And it alarms me when someone starts doing this towards me. I don’t quite understand what he wants and what motivates him, since I don’t have the same need. And I don’t understand what makes a person serve another if you can direct all this energy potential to yourself. And do it for yourself. Why would you give it to me? To make it nice? Do I want to? Do I want someone else to please me? This is still a form of interference in my space, albeit with good intentions. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I will ask myself if I need something, and we can agree on mutually beneficial terms. But direct these “I am pleased with you, you are pleased with me” to someone else who will appreciate it. This function is not applied to me, and bounces off me, disappears, as unnecessary.

Perhaps I'm schizoid. But the main thing is a happy schizoid. And I appreciate the understanding and respect for my space, my needs for non-participation and non-involvement, the acceptance of my otherness, without trying to save me with hugs “let’s give her more contact”, once this happened in my life, and it unnerved me so much that I didn't leave the house. I didn’t want to see anyone, and moreover, I perceived any desire to see me or communicate with me as violence. On a somatic level, I felt sick. On the verbal level, the language turned into a sting and there would be enough irony for everyone to discourage them from seeking contact with me. And there was also the fear that as soon as I went out and saw a familiar face, it would foolishly, like a rabid dog, rush to hug me. And suddenly I don’t have time to retreat, suddenly I have to fight back altogether.

I like lightness, humor and unobtrusiveness. I love pure energies, with no demands on my time. Time is the most valuable resource for me. Most of all I like adulthood, internal. Psychological maturity. This is the rarest thing I see in people. When I see this, I am touched, enjoy their company, I am charged, I give away positively charged particles and let them go without holding them in my palms. So that there is no tension. With such people everything is a pleasure. And communicate and work. They are self-sufficient, in and within themselves. Without acting out projections, without “heal me” or “I’m all so complicated and gloomy.” And I’m generally allergic to frowning faces. All these demonstrations indicate an internal need that, consciously or not, they are trying to find and solve through the external, through others. There is no treatment for me. Only within the scope of work. But through friendship-service-bed - no. Categorical, principled, aggressive if necessary. Grow yourself. I'm not your mother.