He loves but does not see the future. It's all frivolous

The other day I was asked a question, as they say, “for backfilling.” And it sounded like this: “How to convince a girl to stay if she has decided that your relationship has no future.”

Frankly, I’m already used to solving non-standard problems. But here I was puzzled.

In life, many of us have encountered situations when it was clear that another romance would soon end in failure. However, they were stalling for time, not daring to say to their passion: “That’s enough, let’s go our separate ways!” Although it would be worth breaking up immediately, so as not to get your girl’s hopes up in vain and to give yourself a chance to find the one who really suits you and will be loved, desired, seriously and for a long time.

But you patiently waited for the agony in the hope that you would not have to be the culprit of the separation, and that everything would somehow resolve itself.

But what if you suddenly decided to end the relationship, not you, but she? Yes, yes, the girl decided to break up and stated this harshly and categorically. And you, for a minute, still love her and clearly realize that this story should not have an end. At least this dull one.

And the first thought that hits you like a storm wave: “Why doesn’t the girl want to date me? Everything was so good.”

There is no need to guess on the coffee grounds. Most likely, you will find the reason among the 7 most common reasons for separation in such situations. I'll tell you more about them below.

Why doesn't a girl see a future in a relationship with you?

Reason one. She cannot forgive past grievances. Although the events themselves that caused them have long been “overgrown with burdocks,” they haunt her. And since he can’t forgive you, he doesn’t see the point in staying close.

Reason two. Dependent relationships. She herself created them, subordinating the entire rhythm of her life, habits and interests to your decisions. And then she began to expect the same sacrifice from you. And I didn’t wait...

Reason three. Inflated expectations. Your girlfriend has been dreaming about the proverbial prince on a white horse for too long. But you never became one, and there was no horse on the farm. So she decided to be disappointed in you, and not in her fairy-tale ideas about true love.

Reason four. Fear of loneliness. The girl started dating you not out of great feelings, but because after the previous romance she needed to “wait it out” in a safe haven. So you turned out to be that very harbor. And she healed her mental wounds and moved on... without you.

Reason five. One-goal game. This happens when someone alone takes on all the responsibility, care and work on the relationship. And the other one is just capricious and demands love and attention. And then he decides to disappear altogether, because he didn’t like you, didn’t understand him, and in general...

Reason six. Mistrust. Either you were dishonest with her, or she herself thought up too much. But the result is the same - I left because I could no longer trust your words and actions.

Reason seven. There was no time for a serious relationship. Each of you was too passionate about your work, friends, training, and banal “hanging out” on social networks. Meanwhile, the relationship withered away, like flowers left without water and light in a dark corner.

I want my ex-girlfriend back -

you wake up every morning with this thought, but you can’t find a solution. And you can’t leave everything as it is either. Because you love her and want only one thing - to be together, even if for this you have to make sacrifices and reconsider something in your own behavior.

What can I recommend? Stop stewing in the cauldron of your own thoughts and emotions. It's time to see a professional. Suffering will not help the matter, but good advice, received in time, can correct what only yesterday seemed to you an insoluble problem. But not every advice is good.

I decided for myself a long time ago that in matters of love I would consult only with. Before my eyes, so many people have gone through his training and consultations - I can’t tell you! I haven’t seen anyone dissatisfied yet, but there are a lot of happy couples who came to thank for their help.

Therefore, if you really decide that without your beloved the world is not dear to you, feel free to contact Danil. Of course, you will have to work hard. But with his help, reconciliation and proof that a future is still possible with you will go like clockwork!

However, often representatives of the fair sex are in their own: if in their minds they are already “playing out” the scene in the hall of the Wedding Palace, then their boyfriend, as they say, is not in a dream. Not only does he, in principle, do not plan anything serious in relation to the young lady. But the girl either doesn’t notice this or doesn’t want to notice.

Director of the Vladimir dating agency “Me and You”, family psychologist, interpersonal relationship consultant Elena Kuznetsova listed the six most obvious signs that the young man does not have far-reaching plans for the young lady.

1. Dating is usually spontaneous.

Almost always, when saying goodbye after a date, a man says: “We’ll call you” (let’s write, see each other, etc.), without specifying exactly when this will happen. A boyfriend can disappear for several days, and then suddenly show up and invite you to a restaurant. Such spontaneity most often indicates that the girl is clearly not in first place in the young man’s priorities. In other words, . So, what serious intentions can we talk about in this case?

The only exceptions are those who work a lot and do not belong to themselves. They see their chosen one only when a “window” appears in their busy schedule. At this time, a man can call and ask, for example: “What are you doing? Let's see you."

2. Doesn’t introduce you to relatives and friends

Here we should immediately make a reservation. If a guy introduced you to his parents and (or) friends, this does not mean that he has serious intentions towards you. Perhaps it is in the order of things for him to introduce his next passion to mom, dad and his company. So . But if a young man avoids introducing you to his loved ones, then this is...

“If within six months of a close relationship a man does not introduce a woman to either his family or friends, he is unlikely to. There is no point in hoping for a future together with such a gentleman,” Kuznetsova warns.

3. He doesn’t get acquainted with the girl’s close circle.

4. Doesn't talk about the future

According to Elena Kuznetsova, men, in principle, do not like to discuss the future with their chosen one. Something like: “Let’s get married, build a house outside the city and get a dog,” - this is not about talk of the stronger sex. Topics of a shared future are more often raised either by youngsters or by those whose confidence is well supported financially.

Everyone else avoids long-term planning. However, if a man is really seriously interested in a woman, he will still say the “code” phrase: . It should sound within six months of your dates. If, after six months of close communication, the gentleman does not invite you to move in with him, or does not offer to rent an apartment together, etc., then most likely he is not planning a future with you. You already suit him quite well - how. For example, for intimacy.

“If a man is seriously interested in you, he... He wants to smell you constantly, touch you constantly. He likes to take care of you, and he likes that you take care of him. In this case, the partner quickly invites the girl to live together. Provided, of course, that they are both free, and there are no reasons preventing them from living together,” the psychologist concluded.

5. Doesn't call him his girlfriend

It’s quite difficult to imagine a situation in which a man would ceremoniously say: “This is Masha. " If a young man introduces his crush to relatives or close friends, then they, in principle, already know who Masha is.

On the other hand, it has now become quite fashionable to call the young lady with whom a man mainly dates simply “a friend.” The word "girl" has a deeper meaning. This is a certain status that implies not just intimacy, but also a more serious relationship. It happens that a man makes a “Freudian slip” when he is suddenly asked: “Is this your girlfriend?” And a guy who treats a young lady “without fanaticism” can automatically answer: “No.”

Kuznetsova emphasizes that this point is ambiguous, and advises young ladies to focus on men’s actions, because “a man should do, not say.”

6. Dates always end in sex.

This indicator is also not obvious, but nevertheless. If the couple’s relationship was initially based solely on sex, then the man will perceive your meetings exclusively in an intimate context.

If the “mixture” was initially not only about, but also about mutual sympathy, as well as interests other than sex, then the guy can meet the girl without “bed continuation”, but this will not mean at all that he has serious plans for your future together .

“Sex plays a huge role in a couple’s life, but not that much. Maybe the girl is a pleasant conversationalist, and the couple can watch a movie together or discuss something. There is nothing special about this, and it does not mean that the man has serious intentions towards the woman,” states Kuznetsova.

If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the email address of the AiF-Vladimir editorial office: [email protected] .

Question for a psychologist:

Good afternoon

We have been dating a man for 7 months. The relationship is very intense, we spend a lot of time together. We go on trips, out of town (to his dacha), on vacations with our sons (mine and his, they are the same age), together on holidays, birthdays, etc. I already know his parents, friends, brother. His mother is delighted with me. We are making joint plans for next year regarding a vacation abroad, as well as landscaping our dacha. I realized that the person suits me in everything. I find it easy, calm, interesting, fun with him. “We look in the same direction” (goals and plans are similar). By the way, we communicate every day (calls, correspondence, which are not devoid of tenderness). He will always ask how I got home if we are not traveling together, how you slept, how your day went, etc. We meet three times a week, we can spend all weekends together. We do a lot of things together - we cook food, go shopping, do cleaning, etc. I got feelings. And everything would be fine if not for the last conversation that made me think. I didn’t start it on purpose, it so happened that in the course of our daily chatter the topic of a joint future was touched upon, namely as husband and wife. And before, in conversations with my man, it slipped out that he didn’t want to get married anymore. I thought that we would not be dating for long, there was nothing to worry about yet. Although he asked me how I felt about civil marriage and whether the stamp in my passport was important to me. We also had time to discuss whether we wanted to have more children. Here is the essence of our last conversation: my man is thinking about buying an apartment (I have my own apartment), and after the divorce he lives with his mother. It is clear that, like any person, he is afraid to “get into” a mortgage and has decided that for now he is not having a bad life with his mother. In general, I’m not rushing things, but I hinted to him that he won’t live alone all his life. To which he agreed. Then he said that he was not going to get married anyway. I respect my man’s opinion, but I want to be a wife in the future, so I had a logical question - does he see his future with me (with the caveat that I don’t mean now and I’m not rushing things). And in the long term. To which my man thought for a moment, and then answered - with difficulty. I said that it was important for me to know that there was perspective in our relationship, since I would like to have a family and a husband. To which he said the following phrase: “If you don’t want to waste time, maybe you should look for someone who loves you. I have no desire for you.” What exactly he means by the word TRACTION, he could not answer. He said that he felt good with me, it was easy, simple, fun and nothing more. I didn’t ask questions about why and why we’ve been together for 7 months. She asked for time to think everything over. So far, I think my man is behaving as before - sweet, affectionate, friendly, writes, calls, etc. What do you gentlemen, experts say in this situation? I already had a similar experience, I waited, tried and left. In this situation, the relationship is of a completely different nature, and I don’t know if it’s just his marriage or I’m really not the woman of his dreams. I'm really looking forward to your answer. Although, as an adult, I understand that the same rake is possible again...

Psychologist Olga Valerievna Platonova answers the question.

Svetlana, hello! There is a tendency, you’ve probably heard, that official marriage is losing some value, and not only among men. What is more important is the relationship, what happens between a man and a woman: communication, sex, joint leisure, interests, plans, comfort, etc. It should be good and comfortable together. So, the question is, why do you need a man who, in fact, openly talks about his attitude towards you in the phrase “no traction”. If a couple is doing well in their relationship, the issue of marriage does not arise urgently: if necessary (conveniently) - they will sign. And if marriage (the formalization of the relationship) is primary, while the relationship itself is “murky”, it is possible to “negotiate” it, but is such a marriage necessary? You risk shouldering all family and everyday issues - a classic of the genre (especially since it is convenient for an adult man to live with his mother, and not on his own).

It is not a problem for an independent man to formalize a marriage (if anything, now it is not a problem to divorce a marriage, even the presence of children does not stop in a number of cases, which means signing is not a problem, the main thing is the relationship).

And, you clearly have a difference in goals: you need a family, he doesn’t, or he’s not with you. There are such concepts as short-term and long-term relationships (long-term relationships - marriage).

7 months is not long enough to draw disappointing conclusions for a future relationship, but it’s also not long enough to understand your partner’s guidelines.

What should I do if I don’t see a future with my boyfriend? But he gives me emotions that I have never experienced. Maybe just be happy while you can?

Awareness of reality and the absence of rose-colored glasses in your situation makes you happy. Most likely, your hormones are telling you, sooner or later, your feelings will disappear completely, and you may become disappointed in the person. Remember, the one who leaves first wins.

Good luck!

You can, but if you don’t see a future with him, then at most you will experience feelings, emotions, and have a good time. But there will always be a small doubt buzzing in your head, the guy has made you happy with something, you will think “He is the best, I love him so much! But...”, you will subconsciously compare him with others and look for the one with whom you have this future you'll see. What if you find someone like this while in a relationship with your current boyfriend? I had exactly the same situation and it didn't end well. Yes, there were pleasant, joyful moments, but later my selfishness and inexperience caused suffering to both the guy and me. This taught me a great life lesson in terms of the fact that when you make a choice, you need to be responsible for it. You wrote “Should I just be happy while I can?”, yes you have the right to do that, but remember about the future, that you may have to hurt the person by telling him “no” when things go too far. I wish you good luck and love!

what you dreamed about before is happening now, more to come, appreciate and rejoice, dance and sing)

Why are you so sure that there is no future? no one knows how our lives will turn out, including we ourselves cannot know. do you feel good with him? so enjoy the moment. You are happy, don’t invent problems for yourself.

Why don't you see a future with him? Does he have no goals, no prospects, no desire to strive for something? Or is it something else? I think that if you are planning a serious relationship with a person, making plans for the future, then you definitely need to use your reason, you cannot be guided only by feelings. You should have the same goals, outlook on life, plans, etc. But at the same time, if you feel good with a person, you experience vivid emotions with him, why not just allow yourself to be happy and enjoy the moment? Do you love him? And he you? How does he feel about you? Have you talked to him about your future? If a person is serious about you, loves you, cares about you and treats you well, I think it's worth having an open conversation with him and letting him know what's bothering you. If this is related to some of his personal qualities, make it clear that he needs to change something in himself so that you can imagine yourself with him in the future. Much love and happiness to you!

It depends on what exactly you want from this relationship. Don't see a future with him? That means he won't exist. But eventually you will get tired of the “emotional swing” mode and want something calmer and harmonious. In the meantime, if you're happy, then why not? But keep in mind that it will be very difficult to tear yourself away from a person who gives you such emotions. Roughly speaking, you will “get hooked” on it, and this will become an addiction from which it will be difficult to get out.

That's right. Just be happy while you can and for as long as possible. You will always have time to part. So why or for what reason should you deprive yourself of those emotions, most likely positive, if you can enjoy them? And then, in life, sometimes everything changes so much that today you don’t see a future with him, but after a while, maybe you will. Take your time. Enjoy the feelings and emotions that you have, and then you will see whether you have a future or not. Just have fun.

You can just be happy while you can, if the lack of a future doesn’t bother you. And when you want the future and the present will not suit you without it, then decide.

You see a question that one of the site users asked the Universe, and the answers to it.

The answers are either people very similar to you, or your complete opposites.
Our project was conceived as a way of psychological development and growth, where you can ask advice from “similar” people and learn from “very different” people what you don’t yet know or haven’t tried.

Do you want to ask the Universe about something important to you?

It happens that your inner instinct tells you that something went wrong in your relationship with your friend. The former mutual understanding has been replaced by constant reproaches, interests are diametrically different, you do not want to support each other, and you prefer to spend time apart. You can continue to live in this relationship, or you can face the truth and move on. Perhaps you are simply different and, by staying with an unloved person, you are dooming each other to an unhappy existence without the hope of finding true love in your life. If you have a similar situation, then you should be aware of the signs that indicate that your relationship has no future.

Non-acceptance of individuals

Accepting your loved one's interests and hobbies is the foundation of a strong relationship. A good partner will accept any adequate hobbies, will not constantly poke his nose at shortcomings, but will help you get rid of them.

You don’t have to share each other’s interests, because everyone has their own hobbies. Let’s say, if you play the bagpipes, and your friend loves watching “The Vampire Diaries,” then you shouldn’t adopt these hobbies from each other if you don’t like them. If your partner criticizes all aspects of your life - clothes, favorite places, communication style - and does not try to help fix it; if, besides aggression, you don’t see anything else, then this is a signal that the relationship is starting to go down. It will only get worse.

Complete lack of support

Relationships are not just about going to cinemas, cafes and bars together. Sooner or later, one of the partners experiences difficult times when one wants to reject the hustle and bustle and feel the support of a loved one. Finance, health, work - crisis and problems can occur in any area. A good partner will support you in difficult times and will do everything possible to solve the problems that arise.

If you don’t feel support, your partner withdraws from problems and is in a bad mood, then you shouldn’t expect anything good from this person in the future. Time does not change people for the better, but only the other way around.

Do you feel lonely in your relationship?

Has it ever happened to you that your girlfriend is sitting next to you on the couch, but you get the feeling that she is a complete stranger? Sometimes you really want to talk to her about your experiences, but she doesn’t care about you. She cheers you up and doesn't show you the slightest bit of attention. An emotional hole forms inside you, into which all your feelings will gradually flow. If this happens at a stage when your relationship has just formed, then you may not even dream of further development and progress.

You are on different “waves”

Let’s say you understand that you want a cozy home and tranquility from life, but your friend wants to wander from place to place, travel and “put down roots” where you didn’t even think of living. You don't have to share each other's interests, but if the position of one of you makes the other unhappy, is it worth continuing such a relationship?

One-sided relationship

Only both partners can build a strong union. If one does much more, all initiatives come only from his side, and the second partner does not appreciate this and continues to live without giving anything in return, then this relationship is unlikely to lead to anything more. You must make mutual sacrifices for each other and try to make each other happy equally.

Lack of trust

If you cannot completely trust your friend, regardless of whether she has given reasons for this, then it is better not to torture yourself and her and end this relationship. This will only lead to constant hassle, and over time will develop into paranoia.

When the motivation to work on relationships disappears

If you don’t want to do anything for each other, please with gifts, make sacrifices and overcome, spend less and less time together, then it’s better to finish everything before you become enemies. You can't live your whole life like a zombie who doesn't leave his girlfriend just because it's wrong. Over time, you will burn out and hate your life.

You spend your free time apart

Imagine: you've been working all week, and now it's Friday evening or the weekend when it's time to be together. So what happens? You prefer to spend this time not together. If the desire for each other has disappeared, there is no frantic desire to share every free minute with your loved one, then is it even worth spending time on each other?

Lack of respect

Remember how it all began: you couldn’t even say an offensive word to each other, disputes were quickly smoothed over, and schedules were adjusted to suit each other, and you – hers.

What now? You are careless in your words, which hurt and leave scars, and your partner’s personal time has lost all value. The relationship has become mutually consumerist, and hopes for a happy future are fading, like first-year students in front of a young teacher. I doubt it will get any better.