Passive aggressive behavior in women. Sources of passive aggression in the office

It is often difficult to identify passive-aggressive behavior in others because we are reluctant to listen to our instincts. We prefer to doubt and think positively. This type of behavior is very insidious. He can drive you crazy! Normal people begin to doubt themselves and wonder if they are being fair.

What does the term “passive-aggressive” behavior actually mean? And why is it so difficult to identify it among colleagues and partners? People who exhibit passive-aggressive traits suppress their angry reactions because they fear conflict, and their anger turns into other, more passive forms.

10 Ways to Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Change Your Relationship for the Better

For example, instead of starting a fight that could end in a breakup, Mary "accidentally" washes her husband's white shirts with her red dress, turning them all pink.

Or Jeff gets angry at his boss, but instead of confronting him openly, he “forgets” to mail the bills, and as a result, the boss receives a late fee.

Because we are often unaware that we are behaving passive-aggressively, we find it difficult to stop the behavior– even when it does not lead to the desired results.

We are passive-aggressive when we express anger or hostility indirectly rather than directly.

Passive-aggressive behavior creates a vicious circle:

Anger simmers latently, accumulating beneath the surface, so that the problems that caused it are not resolved, and this causes us to express our negative feelings less and less openly.

When our behavior is disapproved, we don't acknowledge our anger or say a dismissive, "Okay, you're right."

1. Recognize passive-aggressive behavior as quickly as possible.

One of the most insidious consequences of such behavior is that a person who is not passive-aggressive begins to experience strong negative emotions. This leaves him emotionally drained and overwhelmed before he even realizes that he is the victim of a passive-aggressive relationship dynamic.

2. Form clear agreements with your partner.

Specific agreements mean that everyone knows what is expected of them.

3. Notice your own anger.

Often people with passive-aggressive behavior want their partner to get angry and yell and scream back so they can move the needle to another source of the problem. Or they may avoid expressing their own anger and irritation because they don't want to stir up conflict.

Do your best to express your anger and break the cycle. It takes two to play. If you refuse to play, you will have to change something.

4. Be assertive (confident), not aggressive and formulate your thoughts as clearly as possible.

Stick to the facts and express your opinions clearly. Make your partner clearly aware of the consequences of their behavior.

5. Be clear and transparent about your requests and expectations and make sure you reach clear agreements.

If you ask someone to do something, make sure you have a clear time frame. If there is a specific way you want something done, make sure the other person knows about it.

Make sure there is clarity about the consequences of what will happen if the outcome does not meet expectations.

6. Set your boundaries and make them clear.

This will keep you from being tempted to take responsibility just because you can't wait any longer, thereby engaging in yet another endless round of passive-aggressive confrontation.

7. Take responsibility for what is in your control and reject the rest.

Take responsibility for errors that are your fault. Apologize and change your behavior. An apology is only worth anything if you don't continue the same behavior.

Resist the pressure to take responsibility for everything– this puts the onus on you to fix it.

8. Don't take forgetfulness as an excuse.

Be clear about the things that matter to you, and make them clear so that your partner understands it.

9. If you are a passive-aggressive person, work on understanding your own anger and expressing it directly.

Saying yes to your partner and then doing the opposite is bad policy.

10. Agree that you both are responsible for the common chores, household chores, conversations and sex in the relationship.

Take the time to negotiate these agreements in as much detail and specificity as possible.
It will probably be difficult for you. But remember, passive-aggressive behavior is often not a conscious choice.
People who react this way are usually unaware of their hurt and anger. They often say things like, “I'm just forgetful,” “I don't do it on purpose,” or “I'm always late. This is a trait of my character."
They are unaware of the impact of their behavior on others and may be hypersensitive to criticism.published.

By Lori Beth Bisbey

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet

Contents of the article:

Passive aggression is silent resistance to the speech (beliefs, actions) of one’s opponent, when one is not going to enter into an open, angry debate with him. A person subjected to such mental pressure remains “on his own” with his own, even incorrect, opinion. This passive-aggressive behavior is considered a mental disorder, characteristic of individuals who cannot openly confront the judgment of others, are constantly irritated and look for flaws in other people.

What is a passive aggressor?

Passive aggression occurs in individuals with a weak nervous system who indifferently meet life's adversities, without even trying to somehow minimize their negative impact. Such people are restless and indecisive, they question everything and are cautious about every occasion. For example, they can silently nod their heads, as if approving of their opponent, but at the same time think, “Shallow, shallow Emelya, and we’ll see what comes of it.”

Reluctance to solve one's problems makes a person passive, trying not to run into conflict even when it is inevitable. Such people follow the path of least resistance, preferring not to do anything, but to look from the outside and condemn the actions of, say, their superiors, having their own “special” opinion on everything. These are vulnerable to external influence, which makes it possible to manipulate their consciousness and behavior.

The reluctance to openly confront other people's opinions causes dissatisfaction with oneself, but a person cannot do anything about it. He withdraws into himself and is very worried, becomes a grouch, and considers everyone around him to be bad, deceitful and selfish. Such people can be identified by eternal dissatisfaction, constant negative assessments of others, attempts to contrast their “passive” views with other opinions.

Important to know! A passive aggressor sees everyone in a dark light, his people are bad, and you shouldn’t trust them.

The main causes of passive aggression

The psychology of passive aggression is a little-studied phenomenon, but psychologists have found that the passive-aggressive style of behavior is less pronounced in women. It occurs 2 times more often in men.

Common Causes of Passive Aggression

Such manners are manifested in dependent people who are afraid to openly express their opinions for fear of being punished. In interpersonal relationships, they feel in a humiliated position and are oppressed by a feeling of guilt.

Let's look at all these factors in more detail. These include:

Passivity. When, due to the weakness of their character, they shy away from decisive action, even to their detriment. I don’t want to be active, it’s better to let it be. Such a person is easy to manipulate, although he may not agree with another point of view, but will not openly criticize it. The main thing is your own peace of mind, and therefore it is better to silently “serve” any objectionable opinion.
Indecisiveness. Associated with low self-esteem and the inability to solve one’s problems independently. A person is afraid to express his opinion because he considers it immature and frivolous. If he offers his point of view, they will laugh at him. Such “downtroddenness” of oneself leads to silent agreement with the imposed gaze. A silent “aggression” towards an opposing opinion arises in the soul.
Anxiety. Overly suspicious in constant anxiety that everything in life is going completely wrong. This leads to depression. Anxious and depressed individuals fall into apathy when they have no strength to resist. In this state, they may agree to an opinion that contradicts their own. If only they would stay away from them. Although a silent resistance arises in the soul against the one who “stuck” with his judgment.
The desire to look good in the eyes of others. It is common for people to be indecisive. Associated with weakness of character, when one’s judgment is hidden deep inside the soul. I will do as you say, as long as they say good things about me. Such conformism often hides passive aggression; anger does not come out so that others do not think badly of the person.
Gullibility. When the tendency to trust borders on the naivety of a child. A person doesn’t even think about what could happen to him if he agrees with someone else’s opinion, which is sharply different from his own. He simply takes his word for it, and this leads to manipulation of his consciousness.
Fear of negative experiences. I don’t agree with another opinion, but if he speaks out against it, he will receive a lot of negative emotions. Why are they? It is better to silently accept a different judgment, but on occasion always have your own “special” point of view. A kind of silent-aggressive, irritable personality.
Psychological dependence. A person is dependent, for example, on his employer. He “presses”, imposes his point of view, although it is completely unacceptable, but you need to agree with it, otherwise you can lose your job. This is how a person takes the “pose” of a silent aggressor.
Vague identity. When everything around is perceived as lacking clarity, alienated. With this perception, another opinion is perceived uncritically, although it may differ sharply from one’s own.
Love of pleasure. A person has his own position, but the craving for pleasure forces him to restrain his judgment, as this can affect his image. In such cases, he will limit himself to “cautious aggression”, silently or privately condemning people who impose their point of view on him.
Impressionability. Often combined with suspiciousness and gullibility. Overly impressionable people often sacrifice their opinions to others. Realizing that they did wrong, they become irritated, but hide their anger behind passive aggression - harsh words addressed to those who imposed their position on them.
Greed. Those who are too greedy cover up their disagreement with someone with quiet aggression - they do not express their anger clearly, because they are afraid to speak publicly against the person on whom their, say, material well-being depends.
Conceit. Those who are too confident in themselves can act rashly, without consulting with loved ones and friends, then they get upset, blaming the whole world for their failures. Realizing that they are wrong, they hide their dissatisfaction behind passive aggression, for example, by discussing in a close circle the people who forced them to make the wrong decision.

Important to know! People who are unsuccessful in their personal lives and professional activities often become passive-aggressive.

What pushes men to quiet aggression?

Why men become silent aggressors depends on many factors. First of all, this is due to the character formed under the influence of a weak nervous system. Let's say a person hushes up the problem or avoids it with obscene jokes. This happens because he is afraid to express his point of view, so as not to run into trouble, although he is not averse to causing a scandal. It’s good if such behavior is reflected in upbringing and the general culture of the individual. However, this is not always the case.

To recognize passive aggression in men, you need to know the signs of passive-aggressive behavior. These may include:

Speaks badly of everyone. He is afraid to be openly angry and shows his dissatisfaction secretly. Like the joke about the lion and the hare. They were sitting in a restaurant, the lion got drunk and slammed his fist on the table, saying, now I’ll show you how to disagree with me. The hare got scared and ran away. At home, he tightly closed all the windows and also slammed his fist on the table: “You won’t scare me!”
Lack of initiative. When he listens silently and agrees with everything. Although he has his own opinion, he is afraid to express it due to his weakness of character. Such a person always tries to shift responsibility onto others, often lies, and apologizes over trifles.
Optional. He never fulfills his promises; after starting work, he can quit with the words that he will finish it later. And this “after” will drag on for a long time. When asked to do something, he reacts weakly, saying that it’s all nonsense, nothing will work. Such actions and words conceal uncertainty about one’s own actions, which is covered by hidden aggression and opposition to one’s opponent.
Misogyny. An insecure man is afraid of women, does not know how to talk to them, is afraid, for example, to hear a harsh word from them addressed to him. He hides his quiet aggression towards the female sex behind bravura behavior, often accompanied by the words that they are all so-and-so and you shouldn’t communicate with them.
Modesty in everyday life. Such a person does not like to attract unnecessary attention to himself. His behavior does not cause any complaints; the quietly aggressive type does nasty things to people with a smile. Such an innocent lamb.
Weak-willed character. Doesn’t take the initiative, tries to hide behind someone else’s back, often this is a woman’s back. Completely under the thumb of his mother or wife, they solve all household problems for him. At work I am dependent on my superiors and always agree with him on everything. Even if he doesn’t think so at all. Because of this, he constantly feels guilty, but does not “resist evil with violence.” All his resistance turns into quiet aggression: bad reviews, for example, about his boss or neighbor.
Alcoholism, substance abuse. A striking example of passive aggression in men is the passion for alcohol or all kinds of “manias,” for example, drug addiction. Complexity, fear of openly stating one’s position, entering into a public dispute, make one worry. A person seems to be a coward, and in order to look brave, he begins to drink intoxicants. When intoxicated, he feels a surge of strength. Then he will show those who do not take him into account! And when he sobers up, the aggressiveness disappears, he is again quieter than water.
Soullessness. A man suffers so much from his worthlessness, fear of proving himself, that he has no time for others. He simply forgets that he is surrounded by people who want kindness towards themselves. They never apologize if they do something awkward. Why, he (she) will survive anyway.
Never clearly states his position. It's always foggy and vague. Today there may be one opinion, and after a while - a completely different one. It all depends on the environment in which he is located.
Acts inconsistently. Yesterday he said one thing, and today it is completely different, he acts depending on the situation, adapts to the momentary opinion.

Important to know! A passive-aggressive man is an immature, weak-willed and lacking initiative person who cannot properly use the abilities given to him by nature, and therefore covers up his passivity with hidden aggression towards active, active people.

Woman is a silent aggressor

Passive aggression in women is much less common than in men. The fair sex, getting into an unpleasant situation, tries to throw out negative emotions, noisily reacting to criticism addressed to them. This is due to the characteristics of the emotional sphere. However, such a character trait as, for example, caution forces one to refrain from a harsh assessment of one’s interlocutor.

Let's take a closer look at what character traits help a woman restrain her anger, turning it into quiet aggression. These include:

Ability to think about consequences. They say that women are very emotional, first they scream, swear, and then begin to comprehend what they have done. But this is not an entirely correct judgment. Many representatives of the fairer sex react quite adequately in a critical situation for them. And they restrain their negative emotions, ready to burst from their lips with screams and curses. Because they understand that the consequences of such behavior can affect their, say, career. It’s better to restrain yourself and not “paraffinize” your boss, but express all the barbs against him in a narrow circle, when you are confident that these words will not cause undesirable consequences.
Flattery. Someone famous said that “flattery is aggression on its knees.” If a person flatters a lot, it means he hates, but is afraid to say it openly, hiding his hatred under the guise of servility. This behavior is more common among women. Let's say she is afraid of the man with whom she has brought life together, and hides her true attitude towards him with excessive praise. In fact, she lives in a humble position.
Humility. Excessive submissiveness has never been a good quality in either a man or a woman. A submissive person is like a doormat on which anyone can wipe their feet. This gives rise to aggression, which, due to the nature of the individual, cannot be expressed publicly. Nobel Prize laureate writer Elias Canetti (1905-1994) coined the expression that “Whoever carries out the order needs some kind of compensation. Obedience breeds aggressiveness.”
Eternal discontent. If a woman is dissatisfied with everything around her, she constantly condemns everyone and speaks about people with disdain. He disguises his aggression towards the outside world in negative statements.
Flawed self-awareness. When any remark hurts a woman’s pride, the lady is capable of any bad act, but she is afraid to do it openly, “no matter what happens.” Aggression turns into a quiet, completely harmless form, often hiding behind verbal “secret” attacks towards the offender.
Dissatisfaction with yourself. She is dissatisfied with her actions, she understands this, but she cannot help herself. The accumulated irritation is vented on others, expressed towards them in an aggressive manner, but within the bounds of decency. It is not accompanied by screams, tears and beating of, say, dishes. This reassures and gives a false sense of superiority over your imaginary enemy.
Jealousy. Let's say friends to a loved one. Or at work they praise a friend, not her. Envy arises, but you don’t want to openly break off the relationship. How will others react? On this basis, quiet aggression arises, which can be expressed in exaggerated praise of a girlfriend. Unfriendliness towards her is carefully hidden.
Low self-esteem. From childhood, the girl was humiliated in her family and spoke poorly of her. She accepted this assessment of her personality and was afraid to openly oppose it. With age, the feeling of inferiority has firmly settled in the soul. The girl grew up insecure, fearful, deeply hiding the germs of aggression in her heart, considering the world to be cruel and unfair. Therefore, he condemns him in his statements.

Important to know! From a psychological point of view, passive aggression is useful. Since it is a kind of spiritual support point, which gives a hidden feeling of superiority over those who, wittingly or unwittingly, offend. However, you need to understand that this is typical for people who are physically and spiritually weak.

What to do if there is a passive aggressor nearby?

How to resist passive aggression if you know that your, say, friends treat you kindly in words, but sling mud behind your back? What should be done to avoid unpleasant communication with them, or maybe it is necessary to interrupt it forever? The advice here may be different.

In this case, the fight against passive aggression depends primarily on the awareness of the fact that in your environment there are people suffering from this mental defect. If this understanding comes, then a number of measures should be taken to get rid of the influence of these people. Let's say we talk to them frankly.

However, there may be another option when you yourself suffer from this disorder. And then what needs to be done, how to deal with passive aggression, so as not to disturb your own peace, your loved ones and acquaintances?

First of all, I need to figure out why this person gives me an unpleasant feeling. Who is to blame for this, perhaps I am giving him a reason to speak unflatteringly about me. Also, you should not judge other people for their actions if they do not affect you directly. “Who cares where the splashes go?” This means that it is not at all necessary to react nervously to something that does not affect you personally.

To know how to get rid of passive aggression, you need to understand that it is for the weak in spirit. Various psychological trainings on working on character, for example, on self-analysis and correction of one’s actions, will help here.

Envy is not the best advisor in life. An English proverb says that “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” When they envy others, speaking angrily or unctuously about them, they destroy their own lives. Because any aggression, whether open or quiet, is the basis of destruction, not creation.

And we must remember that we should never destroy the joy of others. Even if it seems trivial to you. Let people rejoice if it gives them pleasure. And pouring your own “spoon” of causticism into someone else’s “barrel” of delight is evil. Such involuntary aggression, spoken even in a completely harmless manner, is the key to a bad relationship.

Passive aggressors are usually losers. No need to buy a ticket for the unlucky ones. You won't lead a good life like this.

What is passive aggression - watch the video:

Sigmund Freud said that “the other person is always an object for the gratification of his aggressiveness.” But this is for a morally immature person. Only spiritual work on yourself will help you avoid all the troubles associated with passive aggression.

Passive aggression is a behavior in which a person expresses his negative emotions in a socially acceptable form, in other words, anger is suppressed. A person may refuse to perform any action; pessimism and absolute inaction prevail in him. In moderate manifestations, this phenomenon is normally tolerated by both the person himself and his environment.

But ICD-10 also notes that there is a passive-aggressive personality disorder. That is, the constant suppression of anger and aggression can result in a pathological condition. Negative emotions must find a way out so that a person can free himself from psychological dirt.

Interestingly, this personality characteristic manifests itself differently in men and women. Hidden aggression in men is manifested by the following behavior:

In women, passive aggression is the spread of rumors and gossip; they do not seek to take responsibility for their own behavior. Representatives of the fair sex with a passive-aggressive personality type want to live the way they want, and do not tolerate various restrictions and subordination. If they show inactivity, they justify it as forgetfulness.

People with this type of aggression tend to:

afraid of responsibility;
experience fear of a situation of dependence;
try to find the culprit of the current problematic situation in order to blame him for your failures;
quarrel with people around you so as not to let them get close to you;
switch from a hostile attitude to remorse for your actions and thoughts;
look gloomy;
do not say “no” even in critical situations;
avoid visual contact with the interlocutor;
ignore appeals to them, fulfillment of one’s own promises;
dissatisfaction, sarcasm, contempt, irony and grumbling.

Some psychologists disagree with the idea that there is a special type of person with this behavior. They note that many people with these qualities grew up in conditions of disharmonious upbringing, irrational attitudes given to them in childhood by their parents or other adults.

Let's take a closer look at what features of upbringing lead to the development of passive aggression.

Causes of hidden hostility

There are different periods for the formation of such passive hostility, but in any case, passive-aggressive or assertive behavior is formed in the family, the place where the child learns to control his emotions. We’ll talk about assertiveness later, consider the factors that influence the formation of passive aggression in a person.

When does this behavior become pathological?

With pronounced manifestations of the symptoms of this behavior, it is considered a pathology and has a certain diagnosis. To make a diagnosis of passive-aggressive personality disorder, it is necessary to analyze the patient's behavior; if 5 criteria are similar to those listed below, then the person suffers from this mental disorder.

With this disorder, a person is characterized by other forms of addiction or manifestations of somatization disorders. Often such people are alcohol dependent. Depression is also a concomitant mental disorder. In this case, antidepressants are used in addition to psychotherapy.

For diagnosing mental pathology, the emotional severity of the symptoms of the disorder is extremely important. Its manifestations are very similar to hysterical and borderline disorders. But passive-aggressive disorder is not as emotionally expressed as the pathologies mentioned.

Living with Passive-Aggressive People

Living with such people is quite difficult, since at any moment they can let you down, take a person out of internal balance, and shift responsibility at the most inopportune moment.

Conflicts inevitably arise in a married couple, since not everyone can withstand prolonged ignorance, indifference and the burden of double responsibility for themselves and a passive-aggressive spouse. In married life, it is important for partners to agree and understand each other. If they are committed to building relationships, they will work on their character traits. But in case of loss of initial feelings, spouses urgently need to contact a specialist so as not to drive each other to neurosis, irritation and nervous exhaustion. In the process of psychocorrection, a passive-aggressive person learns to adequately evaluate himself, his behavior, control his actions and adequately perceive the people around him.

Correction of passive-aggressive behavior

The fight against passive-aggressive personality disorder begins with psychotherapy. In some cases, the use of antidepressants is indicated, they are especially relevant in case of overly pronounced melancholic behavior of the individual, or suicidal threat. It should be noted that by threatening suicide, a person can also manipulate relatives or a psychotherapist. This reaction should be interpreted as an expression of anger, and not depression over the loss of love from family. Therefore, the psychotherapist should guide the person to more adequately express angry reactions.

Behavior with hidden aggression lacks assertiveness. Passivity in expressing aggression (if present) appears due to a person’s acceptance of the role of a victim (and everyone owes him, as if he were weak) or a manipulator (and everyone owes him, as if he were strong). The psychotherapist has an important task to formulate a new attitude in behavior - assertiveness - the ability of an individual to make decisions independently, to be able to say “no”, not to depend on external conditions, assessments and influences, to bear responsibility for decisions and behavior made. In the new role of an assertive person, the principles of passive-aggressive behavior are replaced by adequate communication with the message: “I don’t owe the other person anything, and the other person doesn’t owe me anything, we are each other’s partners.”

Treating passive-aggressive disorders is difficult because the patient lacks the motivation to do so. It is very difficult to establish the right relationship between therapist and patient to achieve a therapeutic effect. If the doctor gives in to hidden manipulators, the treatment will fail. If the patient's demands are denied, the psychotherapeutic contact may be lost. To effectively work with such patients, a highly qualified specialist is required.

Of all the psychological approaches, cognitive behavioral is the most effective. In the process of therapy with techniques of this approach, the patient realizes what the social consequences of his passive-aggressive behavior may be.

Group and individual work is carried out to train coping (coping behavior), social skills are developed. If the client has taken a defensive, oppositional position, the therapist can also use this. For the desired result of therapy, it is necessary to give instructions opposite to what he wants to achieve.

Tips for communicating with such people:

in working relationships, it is necessary to clearly monitor the actions of a passive-aggressive colleague;
do not rely on such people for important tasks;
there is no need to get involved in their games of manipulation;
in a family, sometimes it is necessary to involve a qualified specialist in case of severe symptoms;
avoid performing a responsible task together;
it is necessary to firmly convey a different, alternative point of view;
remain calm during confrontation so that the person sees that it is not so easy to infuriate others.

Stories about passive-aggressive individuals are increasingly becoming the subject of Hollywood dramas and comedies.

What fate can constant suppression of anger lead to, how and who is hindered from living by types who hide their discontent under a pretty face? And, in general, what is passive aggression and how to deal with it?

Passive-aggressive behavior: what is it?

Since childhood, it has been drilled into our heads that showing anger is bad.

You cannot shout, throw chairs, break plates, call names, be rude and openly angry, otherwise you will be loved and respected less.

You will be known as a nervous person, your friends will run away like cockroaches, you will be demoted... And so, impressed by educational horror stories, we have learned to restrain our anger and mask it.

This is how passive aggression was born, which does much more harm than open anger.

The direct manifestation of dissatisfaction, disagreement, resentment and anger allows us to get rid of obsessive emotions and free the body for good thoughts.

We shake off the nervous ballast the moment it appears. Therefore, anger does not accumulate and the rest of the time we can be peaceful and pleasant individuals.

It’s normal to be dissatisfied with something, and so is giving up an unpleasant activity.

Passive aggression is a consequence of suppressing all negative emotions. That case when grumbling and anger are shoved into the far corner of consciousness, and a sweet smile plays on your face.

It’s easy to recognize a passive aggressor by his behavior - he phenomenally sabotages all unloved activities, unknowingly causes harm at home and at work, interferes with someone else’s simple happiness and slows down all important processes.

He is characterized by clowning and procrastination, and his speech can be disguised as sarcastic and caustic.

Instead of direct confrontation, he acts secretly, behind his back, never admitting his true desires.

Manifestations of passive aggression

It is thanks to the passive-aggressive personality type that these people do not say “No” if they do not want to do the work.

It’s too early to rejoice at trouble-free talents! After all, they masterfully sabotage the process: do not expect that such specimens will deliver the project on time and with high quality.

They are late for work, put off important tasks until the deadline, regularly get sick and get caught in traffic jams...

What is there! These individuals are subconsciously ready to break their arm just to get an adequate reason for taking time off.

A passive-aggressive person suppresses any manifestations of anger: he does not talk about his feelings, does not refuse unpleasant things, does not express violent emotions with facial expressions, body and gestures.

In a word, at first he does not make it clear to others that he is dissatisfied. He avoids conflicts and keeps silent in the corner with manic diligence.

But after some time, not allowing himself momentary release, he begins to cause mischief. Complain about life, feel sorry for yourself, whisper, gossip, write slander, blame your loved ones for your failed fate.

Very often you can hear from such a person: “Well, it’s clear what was expected: you don’t care at all that I feel bad. You are not interested in my opinion, you only think about yourself. Nobody took care of me."

“Playing the silent game,” detachment, ignoring, the phrase “Everything is fine, don’t worry about me” are typical tricks of such individuals.

You will never know the reasons for their grievances until you figure it out yourself. But even without uttering a word, they manage to be excellent psychological tyrants in the family.

In addition, they are excellent provocateurs: in the end, you will throw your fists at your spouse in anger and break dishes, and he will arrogantly blame you for your uncontrolled, ugly behavior.

Sometimes the unconscious actions of passive-aggressive types seem funny, ridiculous, and illogical.

Instead of simply canceling a date, they “forget” to book a table, step into a meter-long puddle, faint at a bus stop, get poisoned by yesterday’s soup, catch a rare form of SARS, or even board the wrong plane flight.

They seem to sincerely not want to offend or offend anyone, but their behavior should not be confused with politeness and tact.

Where does passive aggression come from?

This is not an innate trait, but a newly acquired trait. Most often, passive-aggressive behavior begins in childhood. There are several ways:

1) Parents often quarreled, shouted, and fought in front of the child, and the expression of anger became “dirty” and defiled for him.

2) Mom and dad forbade the child to show dissatisfaction, swear, yell, cry. “Don’t you dare talk to your elders like that!” He was taught that it was impossible to be offended, that anger was a trait of bad boys and girls, and that no one would love a “mean” person.

3) The parents themselves were passive-aggressive people, and instilled this example of behavior in their child.

As a result, the child is unable, unwilling, ashamed or afraid to express negative emotions. Over time, he finds other ways to get out of unpleasant situations.

Many people today are unaware of their tendency towards passive-aggressive behavior.

After all, over the years, these traits become an integral part of the personality, and if you look at your character under a microscope, it is quite difficult to recognize them.

Passive-aggressive personality disorder is a condition in which people express anger and negative feelings covertly through their actions instead of directly taking out aggression on others. It is characterized by a tendency towards obstructionism, constant procrastination, stubbornness, feigned forgetfulness and deliberate inefficiency in all matters. People with a passive-aggressive personality type constantly complain about everything, are in a depressed state, actively express their pessimistic attitude and are unyielding in everything. Very often they try to realize themselves in dependent relationships, finding satisfaction in resisting all the partner’s attempts to achieve adequate productivity, productive independent work, equal returns in household chores, etc.

When was passive-aggressive personality disorder first diagnosed?

It was first described as a clinical case by Colonel William Menninger during World War II. He noted a peculiar deviation in some men that undermined their military fitness. Menninger pointed out the behavior of the soldiers that was clearly defiant, but not contrary to direct orders. It was expressed by “passive resistance,” such as deliberate slowness, failure to understand orders, making mistakes, general inefficiency, and passive obstruction. The colonel himself did not identify the disorder as a separate ailment and explained it by “personal immaturity” and a reaction to military stress.

For the first time, the classification of passive-aggressive personality disorder as a separate group of disorders was discussed back in the 50s of the last century, and this problem was widely discussed in the late 80s and early 90s, when, thanks to the capabilities of the World Wide Web, the massive prevalence of this type of disorder was noted. communication behavior of Internet users. And although not all emails, notes and messages with characteristic content indicate that their authors have this problem, sociological and clinical studies have shown that ~96-98% of individuals belonging to the passive-aggressive personality type implement their usual behavior and in network communication.

Causes of passive-aggressive personality disorder

According to most modern researchers, in most cases, the roots of the problem originate in childhood. Analysis of data from various groups of subjects, depending on age, gender, race, nationality and social status, did not reveal a pronounced correlation and the indicator varied depending on the research methods used. At the same time, there is an unambiguous connection with a violation of the incentive system in early childhood. Most often this happens in dysfunctional families, where the child does not feel safe enough to freely express disappointment, anger and other feelings.

The same applies to overly conservative families, where the role of the dominant head of the family is clearly expressed and physical and psychological punishment is actively practiced. In such conditions, honest expression of feelings is prohibited, and children unknowingly learn to suppress and deny their emotions, using other channels to express resentment and disappointment. Not finding opportunities for natural release, the child over time begins to consider them the norm and in the process of growing up they become a kind of cliché by which a personality is formed.

Signs and main symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior

Individuals with passive-aggressive personality disorder are irritable or even agitated most of the time. They have a low tolerance for disappointment and mood swings that change in quick succession. Such people are impatient with others, and their interest in communicating properly is abruptly replaced by antipathy or boredom and complete ignorance.

With passive-aggressive disorder, people feel dissatisfied all the time, blame others for abuse and deceit, believe that they are underappreciated, and blame any failures on circumstances.

Individually, these signs may simply be character traits of a person and do not indicate a specific deviation, but together they often accurately indicate the problem. In particular, passive-aggressive disorder is indicated by the simultaneous presence of symptoms such as:

constant resentment towards everyone;
opposition to any demands of other people;
postponing work until later to miss deadlines;
slowness and making deliberate mistakes in any type of activity;
a cynical, sullen, or hostile attitude toward everyone;
frequent complaints from a person that he is betrayed, deceived and underestimated;
unwillingness to solve your problems;
complete rejection of criticism and cruel nitpicking in everyone who tries to give advice;
envy and contempt towards all people who have power or are generally more successful.

If they are accompanied by self-doubt, the inability to express their needs and desires directly, as well as the person’s inability to ask the necessary questions to find out what is expected of him, then this is 99% likely to indicate the presence of this disorder.

Classification of passive-aggressive personality types

Since much attention has been paid to this problem in the last two decades, today a more or less accurate classification of “negativist” or “passive-aggressive” personality types has already been compiled. For example, the famous American psychologist Theodore Millon identified four separate subtypes of this disorder:

Subtype	Character Traits
wavering	Uncertainty and confusion; inability to name the exact reason for one’s own capricious behavior; indecision both in interaction with others and as the main subjective feature of the course of all processes in the psyche.
dissatisfied	Grumbling, petty nagging, short temper over trifles, capriciousness, anger, complaints for any reason, irritability, pretense to avoid open confrontation.
disguised	Opposition is expressed in a veiled and ambiguous way. Most often it is feigned slowness, forgetfulness, inefficiency, disregard for statutes and rules, and stubbornness. The person also becomes very convoluted and tries to use only indirect methods of sabotage in order to avoid direct claims of sabotage.
sharp (rough)	Controversy, intransigence, uncompromisingness, capriciousness, grumpiness; character becomes caustic and irritable; a person takes pleasure in humiliating and insulting others.

A detailed classification into categories, proposed by the American professor Preston Ni from the University of California, is also popular. His studies of interpersonal effectiveness, professional communication, as well as intercultural understanding and organizational change led him to focus on this issue. In total, he identifies ten general categories that people with passive-aggressive disorder fit into, and he believes that most exhibit at least a few of these on a regular basis.

General verbal hostility. Examples: spreading gossip; unfounded criticism of others; non-recognition of generally accepted rules and norms; condescending treatment of adults as if they were children.

What guides: Humiliating others helps you feel dominant. Inflicting moral suffering on others and depriving them of emotional balance is done to alleviate one's own lack of peace and security. The main desire is to support your false sense of importance by criticizing others and making everyone suffer “for the company.” In the family, this is expressed in the form of competition for power over household members and complete control in relationships.

Ridicule. Examples: sarcasm, hostile jokes towards others, a desire to tease people until they get angry. A characteristic feature is the need to humiliate a person as much as possible, avoiding open conflict and showdown, citing “just kidding.”

What guides: Taking out one's own hidden anger and discomfort on a suitable victim. The main desire is to marginalize someone else's human dignity and authority to one's own level.

General disguised hostility. Examples: demonstration of disdain and resentment towards people, sullenness, desire to cause emotional pain by reproaching or ignoring.

What guides: an attempt to compensate for one’s internal insecurity by deliberately creating a negative emotional background in the immediate environment and unbalancing people.

Psychological manipulation. Examples: duplicity, pathological tendency to intrigue, the desire to deliberately set a person up at any opportunity (for pleasure and often without any benefit for oneself), ostentatious sacrifice, twisting the same information in a conversation with different people, disclosing or concealing important facts in depending on the situation. The characteristic feature is pretense and a strong desire to protect oneself from discovery.

What guides: redirecting attention away from one’s own problems through endless interference in someone else’s life through intrigue and deception. Achieving a false sense of superiority by manipulating other people.

Bullying. Examples: unfounded accusations against someone else with an attempt to find the most vulnerable place of the victim and cause her maximum mental pain.

What guides: achieving a false sense of happiness and self-worth against the backdrop of the suffering of others.

Sabotage and blaming others. Examples: ostentatious slowness, lethargy, forgetfulness, “dullness”; the desire to create maximum red tape around oneself and upset as many other people’s plans as possible. The need is pathological and forces a person to act even without any personal gain.

What guides: creating the illusion of self-importance and authority; the desire to put everyone in a position dependent on oneself in order to block the success of other people. Often experiences burning envy towards those who are more successful, which is expressed in unfounded accusations and harsh groundless criticism.

Automatic counteraction. Examples: stubborn intractability, rigidity, inefficiency, tendency to complicate everything, habit of leaving any task unfinished, attempts to sabotage the work of others.

What guides: compensation for one’s own insolvency. In this case, “victory” is achieved through the disappointment and negative emotions of the victim.

Behind-the-scenes sabotage. Examples: failure to complete any tasks, projects and events; causing material losses or allowing overexpenditure of resources; pathological sabotage; destruction of well-established work and personal connections of surrounding people; deliberate dissemination of harmful information.

What guides: obtaining moral satisfaction through revenge and “punishment” of other people; achieving emotional pleasure from observing the results of one’s “labor.”

Ostentatious sacrifice. Examples: exaggeration of the importance of personal issues; manipulation of one's own health; deliberately inventing imaginary problems in order to tie the victim to oneself and enjoy her sympathy and favor; taking on the role of a martyr who sacrificed his well-being for the sake of others (usually with the reproach that this sacrifice was not appreciated).

What guides: the desire to take advantage of the goodwill and care of the recipient and evoke a strong emotional attachment on his part in order to carry out manipulation.

Self-flagellation. Examples: deliberately creating a situation in which victim status could be achieved; groundless reproaches and reproaches; self-harm and suicide blackmail.

What guides: the desire to intimidate or cause suffering to emotionally dependent people by causing harm to oneself. Love of creating drama to focus attention around oneself.

However, according to the professor, the latter symptom itself cannot be considered as a separate symptom of the disorder, since it can also be a kind of cry for help, being evidence of other mental illnesses.

Treatment of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder

The difficulty in treating disorders of this group is that in most cases people are simply unable to obtain pleasure and moral satisfaction in other ways. The normal system of incentives does not work in this case, so the main program comes down to psychotherapy and psychoanalysis, during which the patient is taught to isolate “harmful” thoughts and stimuli for their conscious replacement with “useful” ones.

According to the results of clinical observations, the following set of automatic attitudes and thoughts are most often typical of passive-aggressive disorders:

“they don’t dare tell me what to do”;
“I will only do as I want”;
“I will do everything to spite them”;
“no one is grateful for the work I have done”;
“everyone around is just using me”;
“I will never be able to achieve real success”;
“people don’t want to understand me”;
“my life is unhappy, and nothing can be done about it”;
“I won’t succeed anyway”;
“being honest and frank is weakness”;
“People around me want to limit and suppress my personality.”

The therapist finds out exactly what pathological thoughts and stimuli operate in a person on an “automatic” level and teaches him to consciously block them. The course of treatment, as a rule, lasts at least one year, and during this time the doctor and the patient go from the stage of awareness of the causes and consequences of such behavior to the development of methods of gentle confrontation. The best results can be achieved if the immediate environment also participates in the process and gently but decisively stops indulging the patient’s weaknesses, using the substitution patterns created by the therapist. In especially advanced cases, it is possible to eliminate acute symptoms (depression, anxiety, outbursts of anger) with medication, after which traditional therapy is carried out.

Prognosis and possible complications

In general, with adequate treatment, the prognosis is quite good. If a person has been able to open up and understand the causes of the problem, supportive psychotherapy usually brings excellent results. Of course, being established in early childhood, this personality disorder, as a rule, persists for a very long time. But with the patient’s constant volitional efforts to overcome it, it can “burn out” with therapy and be replaced by positive life experiences.

However, there is such a thing as individual tolerance, on which the success of the entire event greatly depends. Even if a positive result seems stable, a person may not fully accept new ideas and teeter on the edge. The “dominant thought basis” is too deeply ingrained in his personality, so even the slightest push is enough for such a person to fall back into a state of chaos and dissatisfaction. Often complications arise when there is an imaginary or real lack of stability in life. This applies to any area: social, professional, spiritual, legal, financial, etc. Complications can also arise when the patient weakens control over negative thoughts, and the immediate environment does not pay attention to this and indulges his behavior or, on the contrary, expresses strong opposition . After all, the key component of psychotherapy is precisely the gentle opposition to negative ideas.