How to refuse a situation. Why and to whom we don’t like to refuse

Olga Vorobyova 10/9/2015 8983

If you don't want to or can't fulfill a friend or relative's request, say one of these phrases. They will help you politely refuse anyone.

I honestly admit: before I didn’t know how to say “no” to people. I helped everyone who asked: friends, second cousins, random fellow travelers, “neighbors” in the grocery line. Their requests were not always easy to fulfill, and often caused me inconvenience.

One day I realized that I needed to learn to say “no.” And if over time I began to refuse strangers without remorse, then with friends and relatives things were more complicated - they could be offended by me because of the refusal.

As a result, through trial and error, I formulated phrases that will help refuse relatives and friends, and do it as politely as possible. Perhaps these words will be useful to you too.

Your offer is extremely tempting, but I can’t do it yet

This phrase is suitable, for example, if family friends invited you and your husband to relax with tents, but you really don’t want to go into the forest because of annoying mosquitoes and lack of hot water. And in general, this type of vacation has not interested you for a long time (probably since you studied at the university).

But you are afraid that refusal will entail unpleasant consequences: your friends will no longer offer you not only a holiday with tents, but also will not invite you to the theater or to fun family gatherings.

I consider this polite form of refusal to be the most successful: you let your friends know that you are happy with their offer, but explain that circumstances are preventing you.

This type of refusal can only be used a few times. Otherwise, your friends will suspect something is wrong. However, I see two ways out of this situation: admit that you don’t like camping or remember your youth and still take a risk.

I would lend you money, but I have negative experience

Often we have to refuse friends or relatives when they ask to borrow large sums of money. Let me give you an example from life: I always helped my sister out if she didn’t have enough money to buy food before payday. But when she asked me to lend her funds to buy a new car, I tensed up. Yes, I had some savings, but at that time I was planning to go on vacation with the whole family. But my sister most likely would not have managed to return the money on time.

I had to refuse my loved one by saying this phrase. I referred to a real story when a close friend did not repay me. She disappeared and even changed her phone number. I lost both friendship and money.

My sister understood me and after refusing, she decided to buy a cheaper car. So everyone was a winner.

I can't help you, but I will do it for you...

If you cannot or do not want (by the way, you have every right) to do what a friend or relative asks you to do, you can refuse him just like that. The main thing is to offer a nice bonus in exchange for your refusal.

One day, a friend asked me to bring her a bag of potatoes from the dacha. By that time we had already distributed all the excess supplies. I refused her, but invited their whole family to try my new dish -

Saying “no” correctly

General rules for polite refusal:

1. Before refusing, consider whether the request is really difficult for you to fulfill. Weigh the pros and cons.
2. When refusing, don't joke or smile. Speak firmly and confidently.
3. Try to justify your refusal (unless, of course, your arguments do not offend the person).
4. When refusing, do so by saying that you are very pleased that the person turned to you for help.
5. Offer a friend or relative a way out of the current situation.
6. Avoid words with a negative connotation: “mistake,” “problem,” “failure,” “misconception.”

If it is easy for you to fulfill a request, do what your loved one asks you to do. After all, someday you will have to turn to him for help.

Good day to you, our dear readers! A new article has been prepared for you by Irina and Igor. “No” is a very simple word, but as simple as it is, it can be difficult to pronounce. There is nothing wrong with helping your friends, relatives or colleagues with requests.

But our dependability often plays a cruel joke on us, accumulating a pile of worries and work “for others,” forcing us to put off what is important to us. Therefore, in today’s article we will discuss how to learn how to properly refuse a person.

When is it difficult to say no?

First, let's figure out in what situations it is difficult for us to refuse other people.

The most difficult thing is to refuse your loved ones or relatives, since this may offend someone from your family, there is a fear that they will stop communicating with you or the relationship will deteriorate.

It can be difficult to refuse your boss, even if you understand that his proposal or request is meaningless and will only become an unnecessary burden and waste of working time. Most often, people are afraid to refuse their boss for fear of being fired or losing a bonus.

It happens that people are afraid to refuse even strangers for fear of a possible conflict due to refusal.

You don’t want to refuse friends, so as not to spoil the relationship and not be left alone.

In general, one or another of our fears prevents us from saying “no,” which is worth learning to fight.

Why is it so important to be able to say “no”?

At least because trouble-free people are often considered weak-willed, and this does not bring benefits to their reputation. In addition, reliability often allows you to be manipulated, forcing you to adapt to other people rather than find consensus.

And, of course, because reliability can lead to you sacrificing your more important matters for the sake of other people’s and not very important tasks. Ultimately, this lowers your success and also delays the implementation of your primary goals.

Gentle Rejection Techniques

In order for your refusal not to look like “swatting away an annoying fly,” you must first listen to the person and evaluate the importance and your ability to fulfill his request.

At this stage, it is important to be able to estimate the amount of time required to fulfill a given request, to estimate the amount of time you have, to be able to evaluate the importance of the problem for the “asker” and the importance of its implementation for yourself.

You can learn the ability to effectively evaluate your own and other people’s time, as well as set priorities, using time management techniques, which you can learn on your own thanks to video courses:

• “The Master of Time – highly productive time management according to the system of Evgeniy Popov”
• “Time management, or how to increase your efficiency”
• Free online video course “Setting and achieving goals. How to achieve results in any business?

You can also ask again and clarify some aspects of the request. This will make it clear to the interlocutor that you listened to him attentively and you “care.”

If you can’t immediately assess the resources spent and the importance of the problem, you can ask your interlocutor for time to think before making your decision. Perhaps fulfilling the request will have a number of advantages for yourself, but if not, then you should move on to refusal.

When refusing to friends and family, you can honestly describe your emotions and problems, why you cannot help them at the moment.

You have a lot of work, so you won’t be able to come to a meeting, you have a big expenditure of money, so you can’t lend, you have important business negotiations scheduled for the morning, so you can’t meet a friend at the station at night, and so on.

Don’t hesitate to be honest, show sympathy and understanding, try to offer alternative solutions to the situation: meet later or another day, go to the bank for a certain amount of money, call a taxi to the station at night.

In a situation where the interlocutor is trying to persuade you to fulfill his request again, stand your ground and say the same thing again, slightly paraphrasing, but leaving the general meaning.

In case of refusal, management should provide reasonable reasons for its refusal.

It can be difficult, but if you learn how to do it, it will only increase your importance as a “smart” employee.

If the manager wants to “assign” one or more responsibilities to you, then if you refuse, you should list your current responsibilities or indicate the main task that you are currently busy solving. If your manager doesn't back down, ask him for help in prioritizing work.

So, the boss will understand how busy you are, or at least, this will provide a temporary opportunity to postpone the completion of a new assignment for the period when you are free from current issues.

If management makes unreasonable requests, try to appeal with labor laws or your job description. If it is difficult for you to speak directly, you can prepare a refusal in writing, this will make the task much easier.

When refusing to help a colleague with his job responsibilities, you can also refer to workload or refuse without explanation, using the phrase: “I would like to help, but I can’t do it right now.”

Be firm and do not give in to persuasion, because if you fulfill someone else’s responsibility once, you risk doing it “for life.”

You can also use the compromise “no” technique, in which case you agree to fulfill the request, but on your own terms, otherwise you refuse to fulfill the request.

For example, if a colleague asks for a ride to work, you can agree, while indicating that you will give him a ride only if he is waiting at the appointed place exactly at the appointed time, otherwise you have the right not to wait for him.

If you do not find your problem reflected in the above recommendations, we advise you to pay attention to the book by James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher “Learn to say “No” , which describes all sorts of methods and practices on how to learn how to properly refuse people.

Are you familiar with the problem of not being able to refuse? How do you approach solving it? Do you have your own duty phrases?

Best regards, Irina and Igor

It would seem that there is nothing easier than saying “no”. Politely refuse a person and go about your business with a calm soul. Is it difficult? For some people it is not just difficult, but extremely difficult. At that moment when this “no” needs to be said, when the person asking is standing opposite and looking eye to eye, the brain seems to turn off, and the tongue, instead of a polite refusal, seems to spontaneously say “yes, of course, no problem, I’ll do it.” And then, doing what you promised, diligently and trying, you have to curse yourself three hundred times - “Why did you agree? Why?"

• Why is it so hard to refuse a person, even if you want to refuse very politely, it still doesn’t work?
• Why are people so arrogant and often make requests without shame, while we cannot politely refuse them?
• How to learn to politely refuse offers, invitations, additional work and workload?

Usually, all a person’s efforts to learn to say “no” are aimed at finding the most polite forms of refusal: these are some soft phrases, finding good reasons why “no”, excuses and tricks. Each of us has already had a whole carriage and a small cart of such experience when, in response to a polite refusal, a person becomes impudent, bares his teeth and even considers him guilty. And this makes my soul so disgusting, so painful. Obviously this doesn't work. It is necessary to finally, once and for all, understand the process itself, when one asks, and the other cannot refuse. And find in the deepest roots the reasons for the impossibility of refusing even in a polite form, which occurs in some people.

The analysis necessarily includes two participants in the events: one- the one who does not know how to politely or at least somehow refuse, and the second is the one who has the audacity to constantly interfere with requests. Who are these people?

Having studied these questions more deeply, we can easily see that it is in these two components that the answer to the question “how to learn to refuse people in a polite but firm form?” And what phrases will this polite “no” be uttered? In fact, this is the tenth question, if not the hundredth.

Why can’t I refuse a person even in a polite manner?

The reason why a person cannot refuse, politely or rudely, lies in the peculiarities of the unconscious of some people. Through the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, it is obvious that the problem with refusal is especially acute among representatives of the anal vector. By nature they are unambitious and doubtful. And their most important property is that they want to be good, pure, the best people in the world. This is a very important subconscious desire - to be ideally good, which gives an impulse to become a professional in your field.

The situation becomes more complicated if a person also has a visual vector. This is a double internal desire - you want to be not just good, but ideally good, beautiful, pleasant, highly appreciated by other people. Anal-visual people often suffer from an “excellent student complex,” and what’s more, they often graduate from school and college with honors. Even those subjects that they don’t like, they still learn from cover to cover. And again, in pursuit of this very goodness for everyone, for praise from others.

The so-called anal-optic ligament makes a person truly special: these are the best parents, workers, and people in general in the world. They are called that - a person with “golden hands” or “golden mother”.

All these people have one “negative” characteristic - they are quiet, silent and always wait for others to evaluate their actions. They will do it and they will be praised. They will do it, and they will be good.

But there is a problem - it is basically impossible to be good for everyone together. Moreover, there are people who will deliberately climb out on their necks and dangle their legs, demanding help for their loved ones. Either politely refuse them or don’t refuse them - it’s all the same.

Why am I constantly bombarded with requests? I can’t refuse, but why do they get impudent?

Of course, if the world consisted exclusively of anal and anal-visual people, then no one would press anyone with annoying requests. But the world is not like that. Different people with different vectors live in it, i.e. different types of psyche and some are the direct opposite of flexible and insecure analists.

We are talking primarily about people with the skin vector. Their view of the world is always directed in exclusive categories of benefit and benefit. A leather worker will never do anything that does not make sense in terms of property or profit. Quickness, speed, agility - these are his best qualities. But there are also negative ones, especially they manifest themselves under stress or underdevelopment - arrogance, the desire to play dishonestly, stinginess.

A skin person often unconsciously tries to use resources (including those around him) to his advantage. And if the skin vector is not very developed, then it may be at someone else’s expense. For example, if in a team everyone is doing one common thing, such a skinny person will try to work as slowly as possible while others work at the same pace. You've probably come across this type somewhere on a hike: while the whole company is camping for the night, setting up tents, preparing food, he says that he will go get firewood - he returns an hour later, with a small handful of twigs collected 3 minutes before arrival, but with excellent appetite. At the same time, he experiences neither remorse nor shame. On the contrary, he was even glad that he was lying somewhere in the sun while everyone else was working - he managed to save his own resources and relax. What about others? And these are the problems of others.

At the same time, if you offer him a benefit for himself, for example, payment for a job done, then the prerogative changes - he will try to do it as quickly as possible and show miracles of performance. In this way, leather workers are often encouraged to work in enterprises.

When such a skinny person meets an anal man, he always quickly figures out where he can use it. To look after a child, to borrow money for an indefinite period of time, to do someone else's work, to be on duty on a day off - these are requests that he dumps on an easy-going person who does not dare to refuse even very politely. You shouldn’t even hope that he will stop, stop being arrogant, or come to his senses - on the contrary, the more he is allowed, the more he will push, each time feeling that he is especially right.

When he nevertheless hears a polite refusal from an anal person, he is always indignant. Of course, he has already become accustomed to reliability and has included in his calculation of benefits the fulfillment of his duties by another person, but here it is such a horror - they refuse him. It doesn’t even occur to him that for another person this is an additional burden. For what? Each of us sees the world exclusively through ourselves.

How to learn to politely refuse offers?

In order to learn to refuse, politely, and sometimes rudely (yes, yes, sometimes this is necessary in order to ward off an insolent person), you need two things:

First- understand yourself and your desire to be good, not as a quality through which everyone around you rides on you, but through which it is best to realize yourself for society - do a good job, be the best parent, specialist. The anal vector is not intended for the exploitation of one person by another, especially a very arrogant one, but for happiness and joy from realization,

Second– understand why and why people ask for help and make offers. There are times when you really need to help, then you should never refuse. Moreover, help in this case will bring joy of fulfillment - there is nothing higher than the joy of one’s own usefulness. Having recognized a skinner around you with dishonest intentions to save his efforts because of you, you can easily push him away from you not even with a polite refusal, but with a normal and objective “no.” Without nerves and insults.

If you have difficulty saying the word “no,” you are not alone. Many people periodically think that it would be nice to reduce the number of good and important deeds they do for others at the expense of their own business.

There are at least six reasons why it is difficult for us to refuse a person:

1. Sincere desire to help. You want to do something good even for that person who will respond with black ingratitude.
2. Fear of appearing impolite. I only want to answer “yes” to someone who has status and respect from others.
3. The desire to be like everyone else. It's hard to say no if you know it will alienate you from the group. “He who is not with us is against us.”
4. Fear of confrontation. If you said “no,” then you will have to explain and defend your position among not the most friendly people.
5. Fear of missed opportunities. It is difficult for you to answer “no” if you have serious prospects if you agree, even if it means giving up something valuable.
6. Fear of relationship breakup. Some people do not understand the word “no” - for them it means that the relationship is ruined.

If you have noted for yourself at least one of the reasons why you constantly agree with what you don’t like, then your consciousness is filled with false beliefs that you will have to get rid of.

After all, you have your own priorities and needs, and it would be a mistake to assume that other people will solve your questions and problems for you. By saying no, you give yourself the opportunity to do your own thing and, as a result, improve your overall outcome.

The main challenge in saying no is maintaining good relationships with the people who are important to you. Therefore, it is necessary to say “no” as correctly as possible. At the same time, you must remember that in some cases you have the right to say “no” simply because you don’t like something. Without explanation.

1. “Unfortunately, I won’t be able to help you, my schedule is very busy.”
   This form of refusal is good if you are too busy. This will allow your opponent to determine the degree of your workload and not bother you again.
2. “At this moment, this and that happens to me, I cannot stop this process. A little later I might help you."
   For example, you are downloading a file or having an important conversation with someone. Naturally, you cannot quit this activity until you finish.
3. “I would like to do this, but...”
   There are two mutually exclusive points here. On the one hand, you make it clear to the person that you like both him and his proposal. On the other hand, you explain that you do not have the necessary resources or experience to properly fulfill his request. And no offense!
4. “Let me think about how I can help you.”
   It's more of a "maybe" than a "no." Be sure to think about this problem if you promised. Moreover, it is necessary to indicate exactly the time that you will need to think. If your participation is really necessary, they will definitely wait for you. Or they will turn to someone else.
5. “I will keep you in mind if I encounter something similar in my work.”
   Such a refusal is appropriate when you are engaged in some business, but assume that your activity may somehow intersect with the topic of the petitioner. And then you will be able to help him according to the principle of “both ours and yours.”
6. “I'm not the best helper for you. X would have handled this much better."
   You may be asked for help in a matter where you are not fully competent. At the same time, you know who could fulfill the request much better. Why not recommend?
7. "No, I can't"
   Refusal without explanation. You always have the right to this, unless, of course, it is a request from your boss...

And finally, it is worth adding that refusal is not always a sign of non-participation. After all, only those who have the resources to do so can sincerely help their neighbor. The more successful your own business is, the more opportunities you have to make someone else happy.

Every woman is faced with a situation when it is necessary to tactfully refuse, and sometimes say a firm “no”. In cases where a representative of the fairer sex is subjected to pressure from a man who is unpleasant to her, her firmness and confident tone are required, after which no objections will arise. But any response should be as tactful as possible. Take advantage of our practical tips that will teach you how to refuse without possible serious consequences.

1. When refusing a man, remain as friendly and tactful as possible. When you turn away from another person, you hurt his pride. Therefore, it is important to know how to refuse a man so as not to offend.

2. Decisiveness and firm position. Do not commit violence against yourself, do not be in the company of a person who is unpleasant to you or causes nothing but indifference. Women often go against their will for the sake of decency. Most often, such situations arise during the first communication, after meeting on the Internet. If you don't like the person, just say that you need to leave.

3. Never give false hope. You can’t use phrases like: “let’s do it next time,” “I need to think,” “I can’t do it yet.” It is important to know that when you delay a resolution that cannot be avoided, you only create problems. You should set a point of no return and not allow the situation to develop.

4. The reason for refusal must always be stated. The fan has the right to hear explanations. Here you can turn to your imagination. Come up with a reason that rings true. You can’t say offensive phrases, much less make comments about your appearance. Say that you already have a boyfriend or that you are confused about yourself. Don’t know how to beautifully refuse a man? Just say that you needed a moment of light communication and thank him. After all, you are a woman and sometimes you are allowed to look not entirely serious.

5. How to politely refuse to communicate with a man? Just joke with him, chat as before, but throw in a loyal, half-joking phrase like: “Only nerds are my type.” This way, the annoying man will not have any offense towards you.

6. Don't go on a tirade. Refuse briefly and succinctly so that no additional questions arise. If the man continues to attack, then your “no” was not ironclad. Many women flirt with men and then are surprised by the increased attention they receive.

7. If you followed everything according to the rules, but the annoying fan hasn’t stopped attacking you, ignore him and don’t pay any attention to the person. Or even ask a friend to play the role of your boyfriend. Post photos on social networks, etc. After all, female admirers are often quite dangerous.

8. With a person who never stops pursuing you, and you have already tried all the options for refusing, you can try going on a date. But be an actress for one evening. Put on a not-so-attractive outfit, ditch your hair, start a conversation during dinner about illnesses, the coming end of the world, and speak in the most mournful voice possible. You won't see the annoying fan after this!

Now you know how to politely refuse a man and get rid of annoying fans! You will only want to resort to these techniques if there really is no rest for the suitor anymore. Watch your behavior and you will never encounter such a problem. Unless, of course, you are a showbiz star!