My wife is German - First visit to Russia with wide eyes. Should a Russian woman marry a German? German husbands about Russian wives

We flew through Tallinn on the flight Hamburg - Tallinn - St. Petersburg.
After a wonderful day in Tallinn with our old, but newly found musician friends after a 15-year break, Sabina and I arrived in St. Petersburg from Tallinn on a corn truck that seemed about to collapse.

At the airport, my old friend met us in a car. From the St. Petersburg airport you can drive to the city center, making a small circle, through the embankments, which look simply magnificent on white nights: ancient buildings and palaces are beautifully illuminated and it seems that some are simply floating above the city(St. Isaac's Cathedral, Admiralty, monument to Peter, etc.).

My wife was amazed, she had seen many films about St. Petersburg, but to see such beauty with her own eyes was unusual and pleasant for her. We were so tired that we didn’t really look into it and didn’t consider what the apartment-hotel we booked online was like. The windows of the apartment were tightly closed, so without opening them, we instantly fell asleep. The beds were comfortable, the linen was starched.

Waking up early in the morning, we opened the windows, and a mass of mosquitoes immediately rushed into the apartment, since there was no mesh on the windows against these creatures. We appreciated how rightly we did not open the windows in the evening, and therefore slept peacefully all night. I knew that hot water was turned off in the city in June and was glad that we took a shower without complications. Going downstairs, we read on the entrance doors that starting from today the hot water would be turned off. Next to the house there is a pleasant cafe with a good interior, where we ordered pancakes, cheesecakes, pies and pies, which my wife really liked.

I called a friend who works at the Hermitage, asking her to take us to the museum. Sabina saw a huge line of people entering the Hermitage, but we got into the museum without a queue from the service entrance. From the Hermitage we walked to Nevsky Prospect through Palace Square. Sabina remembered that she had read somewhere how from this square a group of drunken sailors staged the so-called storming of the Winter Palace, that is, the current Hermitage. I told Sabina along the way about the various historical buildings and palaces we passed. On Nevsky Prospect she was struck by many buildings, especially the Kazan Cathedral and the House of Books. “Aren’t there too many impressions in one day?”“, - said the wife, after visiting the restored Eliseevsky store and the cafe located there, where we went to drink a cup of coffee, the price of which was much higher than the average price of the same cup in Germany. But the interior decoration and beauty of this cafe amazed us. Sabina never ceased to be amazed, as she said, by this city, unique in its architecture and superbly maintained center.

She was simply shocked by the Hermitage - especially the halls with Dutch painting (she is a great connoisseur and lover of this painting). She told me that they wrote in the newspapers that it turns out that Piotrovsky was blackmailing the Dutch government, demanding that if they did not want Dutch painting to be flooded by rain, then they had to give money for the roof. The Dutch actually transferred a tidy sum and the Rembrandts were not flooded.
We had lunch at a very inexpensive Uzbek restaurant with flatbread and pilaf. The restaurant is run by Jews, with whom I already managed to establish cronyism on my previous visits to St. Petersburg. The lamb, which the chef himself brought to us on a beautiful platter, simply “melted” in our mouth. Leaning towards me, the chef told me confidentially that this lamb was not defrosted, but completely fresh, and he personally bought this meat at an expensive market for special clients. Sabina laughed very much that we were included in the category of special clients.

She just repeated: “how interesting - into the Hermitage through the service entrance, in the restaurant - a familiar chef, tickets to the performance - through connections" .

By calling our relative in advance, we went to the theater box office and received tickets to the Mariinsky Theater, which were not available for everyone else. Sabina finally understood the advantage of "blat" and even learned this word, although in her German lips the word "blat" And "bl..b" were practically indistinguishable. She just repeated: “how interesting - into the Hermitage through the service entrance, in the restaurant there is a familiar chef, tickets to the performance are through connections” .

In St. Petersburg it was 28 degrees hot and wildly humid, which did not correspond to the forecasts of the Hydrometeorological Center of the Russian Federation about rain and cold. Relying on the Hydrometeorological Center, we arrived in almost autumn clothes, but here we were exhausted from the heat, we had to buy several summer clothes. Sabina was surprised by the abundance of things, but at the same time by the high cost and, most importantly, the lack of discounts on goods, which are always available in Germany.

Sabina was surprised that, at least, “Natashas” (according to the Germans, these are prostitutes) with a low neckline in short skirts and high heels no longer walk along Nevsky Prospect. I replied that the nineties and even the two thousand years have passed, and now women, as always, especially in post-perestroika Russia, really look very attractive. We noticed how many beautiful, well and tastefully dressed girls were around, with bright makeup, which is not typical for German women. But how these girls-women walk in such heels on asphalt, which melts from the heat, was completely incomprehensible to me, a man!

My wife really likes everything here. I do everything for this!

And in general, she says that the image of Russia created by Western media over all these years is completely untrue, and that everything here is much more diverse than she previously imagined. Now she understands both her parents and many other Germans who really like the modern appearance of St. Petersburg, despite some moments of life that surprise them, Germans who love order.

During this wonderful time of white nights in June, hot water is always turned off in St. Petersburg, although there are a lot of tourists in the city.

Sabina said that she wants to visit the city again, but to see not only the architectural monuments, but also to feel how ordinary people live, look into the courtyards and front doors, travel not by taxi, but by public transport and try to live in the city without “clan” " And one more thing – she was very surprised by the presence of luxurious, expensive cars on the city’s roads.

In general, Russia continues to remain an incomprehensible country for foreigners, which they look at with eyes wide open in surprise.

Yuri.
St. Petersburg - Berlin - Hannover.

Photo © iStockphoto.com © Fotolia.com

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Society >> Customs

“Partner” No. 12 (147) 2009

Breakfast in German, or why Russian-German marriages are fraught with danger.

Daria Boll-Palievskaya (Dusseldorf)

“Imagine, I’m here alone, no one understands me,” wrote Pushkin’s Tatyana Larina in her famous letter to Onegin.

Probably, many Russian women who married Germans could subscribe to these sad lines. Why does mutual misunderstanding between spouses often occur in Russian-German marriages? Usually in such families the husband is German and the wife is Russian. This means that it is the wife who finds herself in a cultural environment that is alien to her. After the first stages, typical for all people who find themselves abroad (admiration, then culture shock), everyday life begins. It seems that all the misadventures with the German departments are over, the language has been mastered one way or another (we will not touch on language issues, because this is a separate and very important topic), life goes on as usual. But it’s just that she’s going, as they say, in “someone else’s” turn.

Thousands of little things that a German takes for granted because he grew up with them are unfamiliar and incomprehensible to a Russian woman. And precisely because the German husband perceives the reality around him as something absolutely normal, it does not occur to him that his Russian wife should be “led” through her new life, in a figurative sense, by the hand, explaining his world, his rules of the game .

We are all characterized by the so-called “naive realism”. That is, it seems to us that in the world there are only those orders that we have established, and everyone who lives somehow differently is perceived by us either as narrow-minded or as ill-mannered people. Well, for example, in Germany it is customary to spread butter on a bun and only then put cheese or sausage on it. But an Italian would never think of buttering ciabatta bread to put salami on it. Thus, it seems to a German that an Italian is eating the “wrong” sandwich and vice versa. Or in Russia it is customary to wash dishes under water flowing from the tap (who doesn’t have dishwashers, of course), but a German will first pour a full sink of water and wash the dishes in it. For Russians, such washing dishes is a fuss in dirty water, and a German will faint, seeing how the Russians waste water. It would seem that everyday life is woven from such seemingly trifles. And these little things can ruin it and lead to quarrels.

A German husband, when meeting his wife's relatives, who introduce themselves to him by name, immediately addresses them on a first-name basis. Wife: “How can you poke my uncle, because he is 25 years older than you!” But the German acted, based on his cultural standards, absolutely correctly. If people wanted to be called “You,” they would say their last name, he argues.

The Russian wife, getting ready to go to her birthday, did not think to pack a gift. Husband: “Who gives a book just like that, without a beautiful wrapper!” Here the wife proceeds from her habits. A husband blows his nose into a handkerchief so loudly on public transport that his Russian wife blushes. After ten o'clock in the evening, a Russian wife calls German acquaintances, her husband reproaches her for bad manners. And for her this is nothing unusual. In Russia, people, one might say, just begin to live after ten in the evening, or rather hang on their phones. The husband is going to take out expensive unfitness insurance, but the wife doesn’t see any point in it and insists on buying a new car. After all, we are used to living for today and do not like to think about the future. Such examples can be given endlessly.

Later, with the advent of children, conflicts related to upbringing may arise between spouses. A Russian mother prepares porridge for her baby for breakfast, her husband is horrified: “What kind of weakling is this? A healthy breakfast is yogurt and muesli! This is what a child needs!” A German husband takes his child for a walk in bad weather, without a hat or scarf. Then it’s the Russian wife’s turn to be indignant: “Do you want the child to get pneumonia?” Going to a parent-teacher meeting in kindergarten, the wife preens and puts on an elegant dress. Husband: “Why do you dress so nicely, we’re just going to kindergarten?”

How to get out of the vicious circle? Is any Russian-German marriage really doomed to divorce? Of course not. “All happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” wrote Leo Tolstoy. To paraphrase the classic, we can probably say that all so-called mixed Russian-German marriages are similar to each other, because they face very similar problems and experience comparable conflicts.

The difference in cultural standards, on the one hand, is fraught with particular danger, but, on the other hand, it enriches marriage, makes it interesting and unusual. Only for this we need to get rid of two extremes. Firstly, do not explain all the reasons for family troubles by the fact that one of the spouses is a foreigner. When offensive generalizations are made from the private and extended to the entire nation, this will not help the matter. If a Russian wife begs her husband to buy an expensive car, this is not a reason to declare that “all Russians are throwing money away.” And if your husband asks you to make sure that the lights are turned off in the apartment, you don’t need to tell him that “typical German stinginess” has awakened in him.

Secondly, you need to be very attentive to your cultural roots. The fact is that a husband and wife often think that they quarrel because they “do not get along in character,” while it is their different cultures that make it difficult to understand each other. So explain to your husbands why you do things the way you do. Ask them to explain their actions as well.

“Once on vacation we rented an apartment on the Baltic Sea. When the owner handed us the keys, I asked him how we should separate the garbage. When he left, my German husband laughed until he cried: “My Russian wife is puzzled by the correctness of the garbage sorting!” But I always ridiculed the pedantry of the Germans in this matter, but here I myself didn’t notice how I had adopted the rules of the game. That same day, my husband, frying excellent kebabs on the grill according to all the rules of the art, indignantly told me how some “Besserwisser” made a remark to him about the fact that he had parked incorrectly: “What kind of manner is this to lecture others and point out how they should live. Who cares how I park. Bourgeois!" On this day, it became especially clear to me that we had learned a lot from each other and that nothing was scary for our marriage,” my Russian friend with 15 years of marriage experience told me.

“All people are the same, only their habits are different,” said Confucius. Now, if we learn to accept the habits of another person, and not impose our own on him, and on the other hand, we agree to accept “someone else’s rules,” then the Russian-German family can become an example to follow.

I’ve been living in Germany for 20 years, and I still compare how life was “there” and how life is “here”. You compare not only life, but also people, their morals, customs, and behavior. Today I would like to compare Russians and Germans a little. We already know Russian women well, and we won’t talk much about them in this “confession.” Let's open the curtain a little and watch the German women. Who are they and how do they differ from Russian women? I looked through newspapers and magazines, and this is what I read in them about German women.

There is an opinion among Russian women that German women cannot compete with them in terms of attractiveness, taste, thriftiness, homeliness and love of comfort. They say that German women are not at all beautiful, they are cool towards children and in general - every single one of them is a feminist. Of course, German women are significantly different from Russian women in their views, habits and life positions. Most modern German women are very reserved and conservative in fashion. They prefer convenience in everything, which is why sportswear is popular in Germany for women of all ages.

Most German women will not spend every last cent on buying branded clothing or caring for their loved ones, which is very typical for Russian women. Clothing, according to the German woman, is needed first of all, only in order to comfortably cover parts of the body from weather conditions. Practicality is their main criterion when choosing clothes. And yet, a small percentage of German women still try to look elegant.

German women do not like ostentation; even wealthy women tend to dress discreetly, so as not to stand out from the crowd, so that no one would think that they are deliberately trying to demonstrate to others their high level of wealth.

You can often see a smartly dressed older German woman riding a bicycle. For Russia, such a picture seems like a caricature, but for Germans it is quite a common occurrence. When going to the cinema, on a visit, for a walk in the park or to a cafe with friends, a German woman will most often wear her favorite jeans and a pullover.

Having married Germans, Russian girls do not adopt the manners of German women; they continue to diligently embellish themselves, which often causes puzzled looks from native German women.

Many German women do manicures and pedicures themselves; foot care salons are most often visited by older ladies. Glued and painted nails are the calling card of immigrant women. Local residents turn to a cosmetologist only if they have their own good income and real skin problems. There are fewer and fewer solariums in Germany, because almost everyone already knows about their undeniable harm.

German women may not wear makeup or choose clothes strictly according to color composition, but clean hair and a good haircut are sacred, and visiting a hairdresser once every 2 months or more often is the main component of self-care.
Living for your own pleasure is the motto of modern German girls and women. They study, meet, date, travel, and almost none of them think about starting a family until they are thirty-five. Creating a family begins with an open relationship in which a couple lives for several years before deciding to get married and create a real family home. It’s a common sight in Germany - a Russian woman is walking on the playground with her grandson, and her German woman the same age is with her first-born.

Due to the desire to start a family only in adulthood, German women often remain unmarried and without children. If a woman gives birth to a child out of wedlock, no one in German society will have even a shadow of condemnation; this is a purely personal decision, and there is nothing immoral for German society in this. Standing firmly on their feet, German women boldly go through life, knowing that with the appearance or departure of a man, there will be no major shocks in their lives.
German women are not waiting to meet a handsome prince who will provide for their life, put them on a pedestal at home and solve all their everyday problems. Relationships where the partner earns much more are considered equal in Germany, because for a German woman there is nothing worse than dependence on a man. A partner in a relationship for a German woman is not a magic wand for all troubles and problems, but a person with whom it is comfortable to live.

If a German woman started a family, then this was a thoughtful step and there will be a minimum of disagreements with her life partner, because both had time to study each other enough before getting married. It goes without saying that young spouses live separately from their parents; newlyweds living together with their parents is not at all accepted in Germany. Sometimes parents can rent out one floor in their house to a young family, but running a joint household is excluded.

German women are very practical. In the understanding of Russian people, such “practicality” is nothing more than stinginess, or at least a lack of generosity. But German women are brought up this way from childhood, so their husband’s scrupulous pragmatism is perceived as completely normal by them. If both work in the family, then each spouse will have his own bank account and each will have his own payment responsibilities. A German woman never plays a passive financial role in the family. Women here earn money not only for “pins”, but also for the family.

They try to raise children in a German family to be independent individuals from childhood, but at the same time they are not spoiled at all, as Russian mothers like to do. In a German family, it is not customary to shout at children, and even a one-year-old baby is given entire lectures when he misbehaves or does something he is not supposed to do.

German women love to travel, and they do not refuse this pleasure, even with a baby in their arms. Family travel is a favorite pastime for German women during the holidays.

German women are free from inferiority complexes about their appearance. They are content with what nature has given them and do not suffer if their body parameters do not meet some fashionable standards.

German women do not see the only meaning of their lives in marriage and motherhood, do not prefer sexually aggressive fashion, and do not strive to emphasize their breasts with all their might.

A tiny percentage of German women suffer from shopaholia. They don’t spend hours choosing what to wear and how brightly to make up. They don’t wear uncomfortable but beautiful shoes on a date and don’t pretend for the sake of a man that they like football. They are not on alert 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to meet the “ideal man.” The German woman is not familiar with the fear of appearing in front of her boyfriend or husband without makeup, believing that makeup changes a woman beyond recognition.
Most German women associate an expensive gift from a man with the superiority of a man and an attempt to impose obligations on her to him.

You can see in Germany all sorts of German women, pretty and not so pretty, but many of them are actively involved in sports. Yes, they can be dressed very simply and not use decorative cosmetics at all, but being “fit” is valued very highly.

German ladies' fashion differs from city to city. In large southern cities such as Munich or Stuttgart you can see many brightly and elegantly dressed women. The picture changes as we move north and in towns on the North Sea coast women dress up less and less, preferring a sporty and very seasoned style consisting of a unisex jacket, trousers and practical shoes. The exception is Hamburg, the capital of media personalities and avant-garde German fashion.

German women cannot imagine their life without work. Work is not only a way of earning money, but also a woman’s place in society, the meaning of her life, self-development and self-realization. Sitting at home and preparing dinner for your husband for a German woman is worse than any nightmare. After the birth of the child, she will look for an opportunity to go to work as quickly as possible, so as not to degrade and turn into service personnel. Often, who will look after the child is decided not only by gender (a man can also take parental leave in Germany). Almost every German woman plans her family budget. If the statistical agency asks her, how much did you spend on food or clothing this month? Most likely, she will be able to provide the exact amount.

At work, German women demand equality with men, do not tolerate discrimination, shake hands when meeting and master male professions.
Surprisingly, it was in Germany that women were hostages of the three “Cs”: “Kinder” (children), “Kueche” (kitchen), “Kirche” (church). The once hopeless role of a housewife for German women, who could not afford to study, work, participate in elections or even drive a car, launched a process of pronounced emancipation. Now a woman is a full-fledged member of society, equal to a man.

There is a saying in Germany that a Slav woman smells like pies, and a German woman smells like a calculator. Well, what can you do, such is life here, emotions often remain outside of calculations and tax papers.

Despite all the cultural, material, spiritual and physical differences between German and Russian women, both remain women. It is unlikely that a typical German woman and a typical Russian woman will become best friends, but with the advent of Russian women in Germany, the image of the German woman began to change, in some way. We need to look at the world from different angles, find new interesting people and break stereotypes.

Marriage to a foreigner has not been surprising for a long time. A wife or husband of a different nationality, religion or skin color is not perceived as an alien from another galaxy. The main thing is that there is harmony and love in the couple. If two people love each other, they naturally compromise in order to make the spouse happy.

Germans, like any other nationality, have their own characteristics. They are calm, unhurried, strictly adhere to the established routine and have a friendly attitude. But nevertheless, a general understanding of national character traits will help smooth out the period of getting used to the peculiarities of the mentality.

If the husband is German...

German is no different from the rest of the male species on Earth, with the exception of those qualities that are absorbed with mother’s milk. They are practical, their life is strictly ordered and every step in their life is the result of sober calculation. Family life becomes attractive for Germans by the age of 35-40, i.e. when the character is already fully formed. Of course, for the sake of the woman he loves, a spouse can change his attitude towards some things, but the main thing is "Ordnung muss sein" remains unchanged.

1. Men in Germany raised on the principles of gender equality, so if you want the door to be opened for you, say so.

2. Rules established once- This is the unshakable foundation of family life. Punctuality and clarity in everything. Daily schedule, clear distribution of responsibilities around the house. Meetings with friends, shopping, communication with relatives, menus - everything is regulated.

3. Rules, according to German men, help avoid conflicts and misunderstandings.

5. Germans are romantic their attitude is manifested not in words, but in actions.

6. Germans value education, therefore, they are impressed by women who are able to carry on a conversation on any topic.

7. Cooking for my German husband cleaning or any other household chores are not a threat to authority or male pride.

8. German answers all questions will answer directly and specifically, without allegories.

9. Germans appreciate sincerity, sense of humor and sociability.

10. German men, like anyone else they love to be admired. But this should not be rude flattery or general admiration. This should relate to specific characteristics or character traits.

If the wife is German...

German women It’s not for nothing that they are considered the most emancipated women on the planet. They are educated, self-sufficient and focused on achieving certain goals. Career comes first; marriage becomes interesting at the age of 30-40. They reserve the choice of a partner for themselves and prefer to be judged not by their appearance, but for other qualities, primarily for education, success and financial independence.

1. German women are reserved and conservative, appearance for them is first of all comfort and only then elegance.

2. German women They live for their own pleasure, without thinking about marriage until they are 35. A family is created only after verification by a civil marriage.

3. Taking care of the household, Children and life are always divided equally. A German woman can become a full-fledged housewife only if, after the birth of her child, she completely quits working.

4. German women are economical, practical and thrifty. In a family, spouses have separate accounts and their own responsibilities for paying bills, including clothes and all sorts of small items. All this without deviations from the established routine.

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