How to learn to say the magic word "no. How to learn to say "no"

When you say "yes" to someone, don't say "no" to yourself.

To know exactly how to respond to a particular offer, direct or indirect, you need to remember three things:

1. Remember your primary interests. Those. know what you set yourself as a goal at the beginning of a conversation or relationship: business, friendship, etc. And constantly check with your basic plans and values.

2. Stay in tune with yourself. You can say a firm "yes" when your inner self says "yes" too. You feel inner satisfaction, despite the emotional, material, physical and other costs that you will incur by saying this “yes”. When to say “no” – if you feel fear, anxiety, insecurity because of your rejection.

In the first case, we are talking about a strategy for achieving success - your benefits will be greater than any other costs. In the second case, a person is led fear of unpleasant consequences, missed opportunities, unless he says yes. That's when you need to say "no" - otherwise it's easy Can become a victim of manipulation.

A little later, more about the guises under which the manipulators are hiding.

3. And the last thing: you need to listen to your intuition - it is the best indicator of the correctness of the decisions made. Everything is very simple - it is an encyclopedia of all our experiences, and any life experience, even if it is not socially approved, is correct, here everything that causes positive emotions is right, and everything that causes negative emotions is wrong. This is your personal measure of the need or uselessness of certain of your actions. On the other hand, social stereotypes can call certain actions undesirable, and then a person will feel internal conflict. First of all, you need to trust your emotions, or rather intuition - it is a dispassionate, objective repository of all previously experienced experience and the natural emotions that accompany it.

Now a few words about manipulators who stubbornly wait for a “yes” answer from us when our inner screams “no”. Why do people become manipulators written earlier.

Manipulators are of two types - active and passive. The first are the dominant dictators who demand a “yes” answer. If the answer is "no", threats, accusations, accusations of selfishness, cruelty, tyranny, etc. will follow. By the way, real egoists, "tyrants" are distinguished by the fact that they like to hang this epithet on their interlocutors, at the slightest disagreement with their requirements.

Passive manipulators will put pressure on pity, guilt, emphasize their helplessness, etc. Those. refusal of their direct and indirect offers will cause you either a feeling of guilt or doubt in your own humanity,. In a word, you will feel out of place, try to somehow justify or compensate for what you said “no”.

Some verbal turns and techniques used by manipulators:

• Irritation of the opponent, the ability to piss him off and forget about his main goals in excitement.
• To dazzle with a fast paced discussion, using obscure words and terms, without the slightest "doubt" that you might not understand them.
• Negative assessment of the opponent or his words, actions, for example: “this is banal”, “nonsense”, “stupidity”, “everyone knows this”, etc.
• Irony, for example: "You say things beyond my understanding."
• Resentment, for example: “Who do you take us for?!”.
• Flattering phrases, for example: “You, as a smart person, of course, cannot but see ....”
• Silence or half-truth, when there is some truth in the words of the interlocutor and his words cannot be refuted in advance.
• Forcing a strictly unambiguous answer using the “carrot and stick” method.
• Choice without choice - i.e. both proposed options were not agreed with you and do not suit you.

What else do you need to know to learn how to say “no”. You have every right say “no”, and without justifying or explaining your “no”.

What's stopping you from saying "no"?

• It is an unwillingness to appear impolite. To be polite, it is enough to say your “no” - politely, firmly, but not abruptly.
• A sincere desire to help or a sense of duty. In this case, it is important to remember one thing: all you have to do is be happy, you don’t have to do anything else, absolutely nothing. You can help if it is not in conflict with your interests and you feel an inner need to help. Evaluate whether you will then feel inner satisfaction after saying “yes” or feel deceived, convinced of something with which you are not ready to agree.
• The desire to be like everyone else. The greatest value you have is your individuality, don't give it up.
• Fear of the possible if you say no. In this case, again, it is important to say “no” as politely as possible, but firmly, remembering your right to say “no”. According to the situation, you can substantiate, argue your “no”, but do not drag out your explanations too much - whoever wants to will understand you.
• Fear of missed opportunities. Those. you hope that by answering “yes”, you will receive something valuable, meaningful for you, despite the rejection of your current values. In this case, you need to remember that at the moment you are definitely losing something important to you and it is not at all a fact that this is necessary and valuable for you to happen in the future. Your “yes” should bring you satisfaction right now, and equal to your “expenses”.
• Fear of breakup. Some people simply do not understand the word "no" and will insist on their own just until they are blue in the face, rejecting all possible compromises. The sooner you understand who you are dealing with, the easier it will be for you to assess the situation and make the right decision.

So, to recap. You can say “yes” with complete confidence when you feel immediate satisfaction from your answer and your consent does not go against your plans, values, basic goals. And your possible answer "no" in the same case will not cause you discomfort, fear, uncertainty, anxiety. In other words, your interlocutor does not deprive you of the right to answer “no”, and for this you will have nothing - you will not lose anything and you will feel comfortable emotionally.

You should say “yes” when you see new possibilities (realistic, reasonable, balanced) and you are not satisfied with the current state of things. And finally, you should say “yes” when your intuition tells you this “yes”. But not the fear of missed opportunities!

You need to say “no” if your consent deprives you of inner harmony, causes anxiety and anxiety, you put other people's interests above your own, your “yes” makes you give up something important right now in exchange for ghostly values ​​\u200b\u200bthat are not yet guaranteed to be granted to you.

By saying “no”, you have the right to explain or not to explain the reasons for your refusal. To make your “no” sound weighty, you yourself must feel complete confidence in the correctness of your decision (remember your core values), remember your right to say this “no”.

By saying “no,” you can offer an alternative—especially if the relationship is important to you, and that kind of compromise would be good for you as well. IN business In a relationship, by saying “no,” you can refer someone who is less busy than you, for example, or who understands the task at hand better than you. Also, you can offer an alternative job that you could do as well or even better than what is asked of you, but you, for some good reason, cannot do now.

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Many of us find it difficult to refuse other people's constant requests. Even if the satisfaction of these requests does not serve our interests, creates the benefit of some other person and encourages other people's shortcomings and weaknesses. In this article I will tell how to learn to say no in response to all sorts of absurd requests towards us.

It happens that the boss asks to stay at work for several hours without pay for overtime. Or the wife demands to buy her the tenth pair of shoes, which, in her opinion, is an urgent need. A friend has already asked again and again if it is possible to borrow money, although he has not yet paid off his previous debts.

Why is it hard to say no?

We can understand that these requests are unfair, and it would be right to refuse them. But why can't we always do it and agree? Because of fear. Fear of deceiving someone's expectations or ruining relationships. What if your boss treats you worse? What if the wife gets offended? What if our friend doesn't call us again? All these situations I will sequentially analyze in the examples below. Based on these examples, I will explain why it is sometimes necessary to refuse people.

These examples do not cover every possible situation in life, but they show the right way of thinking when you are faced with something similar and it is difficult for you to say no. Please read all these examples, even if you yourself do not meet in life what is discussed in them. From the examples, I will draw general principles that will help you say no.

To get rid of fears, you need to realize that they, in fact, do not have a solid foundation. The fear of hurting someone or hurting your relationship, which drives your reluctance to say no, doesn't always lead to you improving your social connections. At first glance, it seems that if you never refuse anyone, people treat you better. This is far from true.

What happens when we say yes

Let's first think about what happens when we say yes.

Yes Example #1

If you constantly agree, you cannot refuse your boss when he dumps additional, extra work on you, then your boss will not treat you better as an independent person. It won't help you earn someone's respect. The leader will understand that you easily agree to everything and can use this to their advantage, exploiting you as a free labor worker.

Maybe you will be awarded the “honorary” title of “employee of the year”, but there will be no question of any respect. You will be better treated only as a diligent worker, on whom you can push everything, and he will only be happy.

Imagine a person who will agree with you in everything, satisfy any of your requests, like a real lackey. Whatever you say, he will answer “Yes!”, “Yes!” and humbly nod your head. Will you respect and love such a person? You may like his humility and pliability, but such a person will not arouse respect in you.

Now, think about your friends and loved ones. Surely many of them do not behave like lackeys: they may not agree with your opinion, and refuse you some of your stupid request. Does this take away your respect for these people? No! Vice versa! Independence has always attracted people.

Respect is caused by those people who know how to defend their interests, demonstrate firmness and independence. Excessive softness and inability to refuse anything give rise to some other feelings, but not respect or sincere sympathy.

Hardness does not exclude the possibility of compromise. All people somewhere have to sacrifice their interests and accept what they do not want to accept. But independent natures do not strive at all costs to satisfy any other request. They think about themselves, about their interests and about the interests of their family and do not turn their lives into serving other people's goals.

Yes Example #2

Imagine that your wife or girlfriend once again provokes you to waste money. If you are used to constantly indulging her in this desire, then this will not lead to anything good. A short gratitude associated with the euphoria of a new purchase after some time will be replaced by a desire to buy more. Each new purchase only irritates the desire to have more and more things. It's just a weakness, a whim and an addiction.

When you encourage these weaknesses and shortcomings, they gain new strength. Addiction and desire only intensify. It's like spoiling a child. A brief burst of gratitude from your wife for a new purchase has nothing to do with the love and respect that you are subconsciously afraid of losing by depriving her of this purchase.

Does an addict have respect for his dealer for the fact that he regularly supplies him with a dose? No! I am sure that many spoiled ladies (or even husbands) perceive their spouses as dealers in the pleasure that comes from shopping.

Your friend once again asks for a loan. He promises to return, although he has not yet repaid his past debts. Of course, there are many different situations. Perhaps financial support is really needed, and you should try to help, even if you do not hope to see this money again ...

But it happens that a person himself can get finances and he simply brazenly uses your kindness.

What Happens When We Answer No

If we always say yes, then we encourage other people's shortcomings and provoke their development.

But now let's think about what will happen if what we are most afraid of happens, namely, we say "no!".

No Example #1

Suppose you decide not to take extra work and not stay in the office until late. So they said: “My working day is over, no, I won’t be able to sit here for another 3 hours.” Of course, if you have taught your management that you like to work for free, then such an answer may come as a complete surprise to someone. Staying late and sitting late at work is not normal, but when everyone is used to the fact that you are late, it becomes the norm in the eyes of other people.

Therefore, someone may be dumbfounded by your refusal of additional work, if you have previously refused it. It is best to immediately voice your attitude to free processing at a new workplace, then you will not accustom anyone to the fact that you work late. If you refuse right away, it will be much better than if you do it later.

You will show firmness, and employees will respect you more. Your boss will immediately think: “You can’t ride this man.” You are unlikely to be fired: you have a legal right to a normal working day. If they do, it means that the company you were hired for is bad, as it tramples on legal human rights and exploits its employees. Moreover, you do not need to work in such a company.

If you have been working for a long time, and everyone is used to your overtime, then it is better to prepare your bosses to refuse overtime work so that this does not come as a big surprise. You will not spoil the relationship, you will simply demonstrate the desire to defend your legal rights. There is nothing wrong. If the company does not understand this desire, then this is their problem, not yours. Look for jobs that don't exploit the free labor of their employees.

By saying no, you will return home on time and spend more time with your family.

No Example #2

What will happen if you don’t buy your wife another “gift” that she asks so much? Let's think. There may be resentment from your passion. But resentment is a consequence of the fact that a person suddenly did not get what he wanted. If someone is offended by you, then this does not mean that you acted badly, it means that you did not live up to someone's expectations. And the other person's expectations of you may be too high and unreasonable. In this case, other people's expectations are other people's problems. You do not have to be responsible for them.

Resentment in this case has nothing to do with the loss of respect or love.

If you say no, you demonstrate character and will. These qualities deserve respect in contrast to spinelessness.

I do not preach greed towards others. Moreover, I believe that generosity is a manifestation of altruism and the moral strength of a person, while greed is a symptom of selfishness and weakness.

But if you notice that you are just being used to satisfy your own desires, and the endless requests for you have exceeded all boundaries of reason, then it's time to think about saying no.

Saying “no” will help you assert your independence and the right not to be a puppet in the hands of others. If you refuse, then nothing bad will happen. The resentment will pass, and the experience learned from this situation may teach your passion to better restrain its consumer impulses. Plus, you'll save money.

Unfortunately, it is possible that refusing to make a purchase will provoke a scandal. But will you sacrifice your own decision-making power just for fear of scandal? Maybe you're afraid of being abandoned? But how can a loving person part with you because of some expensive trinket? I don't think so. And if this did happen, it means that this person did not deserve to be with you.

No Example #3

You told your friend that you could not lend him money. He comes with this request to you for the umpteenth time and each time he promises to return everything, but he does not fulfill his promises. It is clear that he is using you. Therefore, you decided to refuse or not lend money until he pays off past debts.

If your friend is a reasonable person, he will understand everything perfectly. If he sincerely believes that everyone must give him money, then these are his problems. If you do not live up to this expectation, then you should not be responsible for it. It's all about high expectations your friend in relation to you, not in yourself!

Most likely, after your refusal, your friend will not soon turn to you with similar requests. Again, your "no" will not have the dire consequences you were so afraid of.

Think, “what will it cost me?”

If you find it difficult to answer "no", then, instead of giving in to the fear of being misunderstood, calmly think about what will happen if you say "yes", and what will happen if you say "no". Will your fears come true when you refuse someone?

But what if the person who asks something from you is not guided by such low impulses? Then it's not so easy to say no. What if your grandfather, who lives far away, asks you to visit him every weekend, and it's hard for you to do this for a number of reasons? Or your friend wants to borrow money from you, but he does it for the first time, and it is known that he repays his debts. True, we are talking about a large amount, having lost it even for a while, you will begin to have difficulties.

In such situations, you need to think about others, but do not forget about your interests. If you are thinking about agreeing, then try to speculate about how much it will cost you to agree.

If you visit your elderly relative every weekend, then you will spend less time with your children. Perhaps you don't have much free time. It is clear that grandfather is more pleased to see us as often as possible, but you can never please everyone and at the same time not run their own business.

If you give a friend money, you will solve some of his problems, but at the same time, you will not be able to pay off your bills, as you will have less money left.

Of course, we want to help other people, but at the same time we must not forget about ourselves. In both of these situations, it's better to think of a compromise than a definitive "no" or a definitive "yes." Here you will need to show delicacy and a wise life approach.

You can talk to your grandfather and explain to him that it is hard for you to come once a week and you will visit him once a month. You can lend a smaller amount to a friend by saying that you do not have much money now. And with the search for the rest of the amount you will help him: contact your friends.

Always think about what the next “yes” will cost you.. If this is too expensive for you, then look for another way out in this situation, in addition to consent. Your life experience and social skills will help you with this.

Don't underestimate other people

No need to think that every person will hold a grudge against you when you cannot satisfy his desires. Reasonable people can understand what your consent can cost you. These people respect your interests.

For example, when I invite one of my friends to meet, they can answer me: “of course I can, but I’m uncomfortable today, I would like to stay at home ...” I answer this: “everything is fine, no problems, no, no, I’m all I understand, you don’t have to explain anything to me.”

Of course, I wanted to meet a person, but what if he does not have the opportunity to do this? I respect his wishes and interests and therefore I will not be offended.

In reverse situations, when I have to deny my friends something, I immediately put myself in their place. I know that they are reasonable people and they understand me and my desires and, therefore, will not be offended by me.

Unfortunately, not everyone can always show understanding in relation to another. We are all selfish, to one degree or another. There is no need to encourage this quality in others, rushing to satisfy other people's egoistic requests. If some people do not respect your wishes, then why should you agree to their requests?

And remember:

You can't please everyone!

It's impossible to please everyone! You can never refuse anything to anyone and at the same time maintain your independence and your interests. It is difficult to justify all the expectations of others: there will always be someone who will be dissatisfied with you, at least in something. And that's okay. Your father wants you to be an engineer like him, and you only see yourself as a freelance entrepreneur. Your husband wants you to cook for him every day, even though you spend as much time at work as he does. Your children expect you to buy them new toys every day, but this is not possible.

You have your own life that you live, your views on this life and your own freedom. You live for yourself, not to live up to other people's expectations. You are not obliged until the end of your years to please the egoism of your own father, husband, wife, boss or state, ignoring your own goals and desires. If someone can't forgive you for becoming a doctor instead of a pilot, then that's their problem, not yours.

These are problems of other people's prejudices, selfishness, and expectations. It is not your fault that the other person cannot become more flexible and understand you. No need to always be responsible for other people's cockroaches, for other people's beliefs!

The fear of saying no is the fear of not meeting someone's expectations. This does not always mean that you are afraid to say “no” to someone's request. This may mean that you are afraid to deceive someone's plans, someone's interests, even if no one directly asks you for anything.

For example, your friends tell you that you don't spend enough time with them. But you have other things to do, you think it's right to devote more time to family than to friends.

If you think something is right, then do it without looking back at others. Try to explain to your friends how busy you are with your family. If they don't understand, so be it. No need to lament because of this, try to convince friends, insisting that you are right. Live as you lived. You can't always be right in front of everyone.

If people don't want to understand you, then there's nothing you can do about it. Such is life, in it you need to choose whether you live for yourself or strive to meet other people's expectations. Compromise is possible, but not always. Therefore, have the courage to put up with someone else's offense, someone else's misunderstanding, if you want to live your life. It will always be, and there is no getting away from it.

Many employees, in an effort to establish friendly relations with colleagues or to please their superiors, agree to comply with any request. Meanwhile, the ability to refuse is useful: it saves time, helps to maintain peace of mind and, paradoxically, increases authority in the eyes of others.

How to learn to say "no" at work so that the refusal is perceived normally, and you subsequently do not feel remorse?

Why is it sometimes better to say "no" than "yes"?

To understand the psychology of rejection, it is enough to analyze the behavior of children. At an early age, any person easily says “no”, thereby showing an instinctive reaction to coercion and external control. Such a position allows him to designate the boundaries of what is permissible in relation to his "I". Toddlers, as a rule, show disagreement categorically and decisively. The ease with which they do this is due to the fact that they have such feelings as duty and guilt, only formed.

It is much more difficult for an adult to say “no” because of the fear of destroying friendly relations with one of his colleagues. If the authorities have to refuse, business reputation and professional suitability are called into question. Sometimes the fear of losing a job, position, or career opportunity forces you to agree. Some employees do not resist the will of other people, fearing conflicts. Pedantic workers obsessed with the idea of ​​improvement, to say "no" is prevented by remorse.

In fact, all these reasons are far-fetched, so it makes no sense to justify their reliability with them. A polite refusal is unlikely to ruin a friendly relationship with a colleague. If the benevolent disposition on the part of a friend nevertheless disappeared, it is worth considering: is friendship with a selfish person really valuable? In this case, the refusal will become a kind of test of relations for altruism and mutual respect.

If the reason for conciliation lies in the fear of entering into open confrontation with someone, one should reconsider views on the nature of the conflict. The ancient Greek sage Socrates, perhaps, said it best of all: “Truth is born in a dispute.” Nothing good comes from an emotional showdown with a transition to personalities and an appeal to past grievances. Another thing is a constructive conflict: a correctly formulated, motivated refusal can push the parties to a mutually beneficial solution.

Politely but confidently say “no” will help the following psychological attitudes:

• Refusal is a natural human right that allows you to maintain self-esteem.
• Refusal is a way to protect interests, health, and sometimes life.
• Refusal is a sign of a responsible attitude to business, the ability to correctly prioritize and manage time.
• Rejection is an opportunity to build relationships with other people on mutually beneficial terms.
• The only way to get rid of remorse after a rejection is to say “no” as often as possible.

In what cases is it necessary to refuse?

Sometimes a request or an offer sounds so hard to refuse. What are the most common tricks manipulators use to get a “yes”?

• They can play on the dignity of a person: “sweeten” the request with a flattering description of him. For example: "I want a knowledgeable and responsible employee to do this."
• A trap for proud and gambling people can be doubts about their abilities. When hearing something along the lines of “I wanted to offer this to you, but I don’t know if you can handle it,” employees usually agree to prove professional competence.
• Another complex often played by manipulators is guilt. They support their request with the phrases: “you are my last hope”, “I can’t do it myself”, “by refusing, you will let the department down”.

The ability to recognize such tricks allows you to soberly assess the situation, and when making decisions, be guided only by personal motives.

Saying politely but firmly "no" is necessary in cases where the performance of the task is associated with a threat to health and life, contrary to the law, job descriptions, common sense or life principles. If giving up a dubious enterprise is difficult, it is worthwhile to vividly imagine the negative consequences of a possible consent. The brighter the picture in your head, the faster the remorse will disappear.

It is better to refuse overtime work if its performance does not bring emotional satisfaction or financial gain, has a bad effect on family relationships, psychological or physical well-being. The unfair distribution of duties and pay is another reason to politely and tactfully, but still decisively, say “no” to management in response to an offer to perform part of someone's authority.

In what cases is it undesirable for an employee to refuse?

• If he recently came to a new workplace and it is necessary to demonstrate professional potential.
• If he is offered help, which will not hurt. Support from colleagues is the norm in healthy teams, so don't give it up out of a sense of pride or false modesty.
• If the set task contributes to the development of competencies, and therefore, increases the professional level.
• If the refusal endangers the safety and health of people around (fields of activity - medicine, army, police, fire service).

Six Ways to Say No

Rejection itself is a neutral and frequent occurrence that cannot worsen relationships with other people. Negative consequences tend to occur after rejecting an offer sounded rude. That is why it is necessary to say “no” tactfully and correctly.

However, there are exceptions to this rule: there is no need to respond politely to rudeness and arrogance, as this will be perceived by the opposite side as weakness. It is enough to say “no” succinctly and turn away, thereby making it clear that the conversation is over.

How to learn to refuse people without feeling remorse? Here are 6 ways to do it properly and politely:

• Saying “no” to a person with whom you don’t want to spoil relations, it is advisable to motivate the answer (refer to employment, plans to spend time with family).
• If the interlocutor appeals to a sense of conscience, you need to repay him with the same coin: announce your to-do list at the moment and offer to help with the completion of any task.
• You can do the same with a leader. If he makes another request, you can list all your tasks and ask which, in his opinion, is a priority.
• You can act diplomatically: soften the sharp “no” with the phrases “but I like the idea itself”, “next time I will help”, “I would like to do it, but there is no time.”
• If you do not need to answer urgently, it is better to take time to think. "Time-out" will allow you to make a decision on your own, to choose the right words for refusal.
• You can refer to the lack of knowledge and skills, offer to find someone else, more experienced, to complete the task.

When formulating a refusal, it is necessary to speak concisely and to the point. In no case should you make excuses, thereby betraying a sense of guilt. The interlocutor-manipulator will immediately take advantage of remorse to achieve what he wants. If the refusal is given with difficulty, you can psychologically isolate yourself from the interlocutor using protective postures: cross your arms over your chest, put your fingers in a “lock”, cross your legs.

At work, it is most difficult to refuse a leader, as this is fraught with unpleasant consequences. At the same time, by constantly agreeing, a person runs the risk of becoming a “workhorse”. How to be in such a situation?

It is necessary to develop the correct behavior model from the first day of work. The employee must in every possible way demonstrate a readiness to make contact, while maintaining a firm position. Naturally, any refusal must be justified. To do this, you can refer to job descriptions, employment, interest as a result. If the boss continues to insist on completing the task, it is necessary to focus on his responsibility, as a leader, for a possible failure. Thus, the employee will demonstrate that he is a thinking person who cares about the common cause.

Are you familiar with situations when you are asked for something, and you agree, although the inner voice resists and advises you to do the opposite. Probably yes, if you are reading this article. This problem is very common in our society, and not only among timid and anxious people, but also among the brave and self-confident as well. Why is it so hard to say no? What is this behavior based on? What guides a person at this moment: feelings or reason? And, most importantly, how to learn to say “no”?

Why are we afraid to refuse people's requests?

1. Quite often, the roots of the problem lie in a strict upbringing.. Children whose authoritarian parents completely suppress their will always unconditionally obey or begin to protest against everything around. In the first case, they carry into adulthood the habit of obeying and fulfilling the requests of others.
2. Fear of ruining relationships. And the closer and more significant these relationships are, the more often we agree to fulfill requests. Thoughts are usually spinning in my head: “What will he think of me? Suddenly finds me unreliable (unreliable)? Will he communicate with me after that? Usually, the anxiety and discomfort caused by such experiences is stronger than the desire to refuse, and we agree.
3. Fear of losing existing opportunities. Many are afraid of losing what they have and they consider any refusals a threat to their position.
4. The need to feel your own importance. “If they turn to me, it means that I am needed and important,” such a person thinks, and this greatly warms his soul. Quite often, these strings are played by manipulators. “Except for you, perhaps no one can cope with this” or “I can only entrust this matter to you” - this is how they formulate their request, and the person falls for their bait.
5. Fear of being alone. People may fear that if they refuse a request, they will be rejected and left alone.
6. delicacy, courtesy. If these qualities are developed excessively, and a person is used to sacrificing his own interests for the sake of others, then saying “no” seems to him an extremely difficult task. Although, even being very loyal and responsive, some people know how beautiful it is to refuse a request.
7. Desire to avoid conflict. On the one hand, it is the fear of causing indignation in the interlocutor (relative, friend, colleague, boss). On the other hand, it is difficult to defend one's opinion.

Why is it so important to learn to refuse and say "no"

What does the inability to say "no" and the constant provision of services to other people lead to?

• By regularly responding to requests, you deplete internal resources, especially if you do it against your own will. , nervous breakdowns, apathy can be the consequences of this.

For example, you are loaded with additional unpaid work, you constantly stay late, come home tired. Of course, this negatively affects health, mood and family relationships.

• Afraid to seem impolite and callous and constantly agreeing to everything that you are inclined to, you end up looking in the eyes of those around you as spineless and unable to defend your “I”.
• Once in a while, fulfilling the requests of other people, you can relax them. By demonstrating constant dependability, you encourage their vices and weaknesses: laziness, selfishness, a tendency to consume, a desire to avoid responsibility, and others.

For example, a friend regularly asks you for a loan, because she does not know how to “live within her means”, correctly calculate her expenses and quickly spend all her savings. Fulfilling her request, you allow her to plunge more and more into the abyss of financial problems and an irresponsible attitude towards money. Wouldn't it be better to openly talk to a friend about this and try to help her change her approach to life?

• You regularly sacrifice your interests, deeds, time, fulfilling someone else's will. You can even stop developing spiritually, giving it all your strength.

For example, a neighbor asks you every Saturday to babysit her all day and evening. You agree by refusing to go to the gym and visit your parents. However, you know that she has relatives who probably will not approve of her regular meetings with friends and parties. Therefore, she turns to you, and you cannot competently refuse, because you feel sorry for the baby and sincerely want to help.

• Realizing that you are constantly being used, you yourself begin to have a negative attitude towards these people, avoid communicating with them.

How to say "no" and be able to politely refuse a person

So, it is necessary to correctly refuse to fulfill a request in situations where:

• you are used and constantly contacted;
• indeed, there is no time, no opportunity (for various reasons) to do what is asked;
• you are very tired;
• what they want from you is at odds with your views, principles, values.

The first step towards developing the ability to say “no” is to admit that you really have a problem with this, you want to solve it and learn to refuse.

Then look at situations where you didn't want to comply with a request but couldn't say no. How do they affect your life? What are the negative consequences? The result of the analysis should be a persistent dislike for one's reliability and a desire to get rid of it.

After that, you need to move on to actions and consolidate a valuable skill in behavior. You need to start with training at home with the possible involvement of loved ones or a girlfriend (friend).

How to politely refuse to communicate with a person

1. Practice saying “no” in front of a mirror. Present the request of someone from your environment, formulate a phrase of refusal. Say it until you like its sound and until you feel confident and firm in your voice. You can ask your family to play this situation with you. After training, track how you feel.
2. It is important to put aside your fears that others will be offended, stop communicating with you, reject you, or make a scandal if you refuse them. Surely most of your acquaintances (relatives, friends, colleagues) who ask for something are adequate people who are able to understand that you also have your own affairs and needs and you cannot do it now.
3. Make it a rule: when you are asked for something, wait a while before saying “yes”, because often consent is given out of habit, on automatism. The pause will help you collect your thoughts, weigh the key points, and cope with the excitement.
4. Always make eye contact when you say no. This indicates your confidence and firm decision. Indistinct phrases and a glance "past" the interlocutor are perceived as consent, albeit reluctantly.
5. Start small - at first, refuse minor requests, such as lending money or meeting a friend.
6. When refusing, speak in your own name, use the pronoun "I": "Unfortunately, I can not help you", "I hate to do this", etc.
7. Do not use excuses, it reduces respect for you. Rejection should sound firm, but calm.
8. Before you say no, always listen to the person. So you show respect for him and you yourself will have time to find the right words.
9. Be sure to explain to the person your refusal, tell why you cannot fulfill the request. This will help maintain mutual understanding between you.
10. Voice your feelings, for example: “I am, of course, upset (upset) that I can’t help my best friend (friend).”
11. Help with advice, express your opinion on how this situation can be resolved or to whom it is better to turn to fulfill the request.
12. How to refuse to work if you are loaded with additional tasks? You can choose the following phrase: “I can’t fulfill these duties, because the project I’m doing takes up all my working time” or “I can’t stay late at work, because I have to devote this time to my family.”

Love and respect yourself. You must be sure that it is your legal right to have personal time and valuables. And always remember that refusal is not a disregard for the interests of another person, but the need to make him understand that the request cannot be fulfilled "here and now."

Often, fearing to offend a person, we are not able to refuse him, even if this service is a burden to us personally. Behind the burden of other people's problems, their own affairs, as a rule, are shelved. Many live like this, solving other people's problems until old age, taking care of other people's children and making someone else's repairs. But learning to say "no" when circumstances require it is still possible, albeit very difficult.

Other people's problems

Try to find a reason why you cannot refuse. Suppose, in your opinion, you have free time, but the other person does not, and this is a reason to help him. The problem that someone does not know how to plan their time is not yours at all. It's just that people are used to counting on you in certain situations. Understand that you are free to manage your own time, money and energy as you see fit.

You feel like you can't do without your help. Imagine that you have gone somewhere or are ill. Perhaps your friends will somehow solve their problems. They will do the same if you refuse. People use you because it is so much easier and more convenient for them. It's for them, not for you.

You think that the person who asks for a favor will be grateful to you. Nothing like this. Reliable people are rarely grateful, such help is taken for granted. Each of your services provokes more and more new requests. Everything will start, of course, with little things - you will be asked to sit with the children or lend money - and then your help will be taken for granted.

Maybe you're just afraid to say no. Resentment, anger or revenge - no matter what. Accept this fear, but do not follow its lead. Remember how at school or university you were afraid to take a difficult exam, but, nevertheless, you passed it. Do the same in this case: be afraid, but refuse.

Not a rag and not a gold coin

First, practice in front of a mirror. "No" should sound firm, not guilty or rude. Speak calmly but confidently. Otherwise, the asker will have a desire to continue to ask you for a favor.

Learn to say no to the little things. Are you trying to intercept money "until tomorrow"? Explain that you already have every penny in the account. Tired of long phone calls? Say you're busy. Once you can say no to minor things, it's easier to start doing it in big things.

Don't make excuses, you didn't promise anything. If you want to explain the reason for the refusal, do it calmly. If a person begins to manipulate you and is indignant: "Why don't you want to do this?" Ask him a counter question: "Why should I do this?"

Many of the people you thought were your best friends may change their attitude towards you. Get ready for it. Someone who is used to sitting on your neck may stop communicating with you altogether, but this is not bad, those who really appreciate and respect you will remain with you.

Decide on life priorities. Decide what is more important to you and make a kind of list. For example, your family is number one, career is number two, friends are number three, and so on. And don't forget that when you're making a choice between "no" and "yes."

You will not win universal love by your sacrifice. At best, you will be known as a "rag", so remember that you are not a gold piece to be liked by everyone. And do not let anyone manage your life, even if it is the most dear and close person.

Cry for help or manipulation?

A reliable person is always easy to manipulate. Psychologists divide methods of manipulation into several groups. One of them is conventionally called "this is sacred." Using such manipulation, a person asks you for something, hiding behind the interests of children, the sick, the elderly. Do not forget that the true reasons for the requests associated with them may be far from holy.

Another way of manipulation can be called "put pressure on pity." In fact, the number of troubles and misfortunes that fall to the lot of each person is approximately the same. So why does someone solve their problems on their own, and someone tells how bad life is for him and asks you for help? Do not forget about this equality of fate and do not immediately rush to help.

“After all, we are friends!” exclaims the manipulator from the third group and immediately asks you for help. However, not every friend can ask for help, knowing that it will be difficult for you. A true friend will always consider your interests.

Use his own weapon against the manipulator. He tells you about his illnesses - tell him about yours, you were reminded of friendship - say that he, as a true friend, will refuse help himself, and so on. A real manipulator will immediately show his true face. And it is much easier to refuse an irritated, angry person.

The material was prepared on the basis of information from open sources