How to understand that a friend is real. Friendship with a trick: typical signs of an “unfavorable” friendship How to understand that a friendship is over

One study showed that only 50% of the people we consider our friends agree with this definition. Many people often spend time together, but this does not mean that such a relationship can be called friendship. Each person has their own motivation for maintaining close relationships.

Some believe that a large number of friends creates a positive image or are guided by pragmatic arguments about the benefits of the union. Even if friendship began with mutual interest, over time it can fade away, and friendship can turn into a burden. What are some signs that it's time to end a relationship?

Egocentrism

A sure sign of a toxic relationship is comparing a loved one with a circle of acquaintances to indicate that most of them are more interesting people. In such stories, an enthusiastic opinion is often expressed not only about their merits, but also about how interesting and fruitful the time spent together was. Such stories make a gullible person feel bored and jealous.

Friends show mutual interest in the events in the life of each of them. When the relationship has already cracked, you can see that throughout the entire time of communication, all conversations come down to discussing news from the life of one member of the duet. In this case, it is worth asking the question, how friendly can such a relationship be if there is room for only one person?

One gate play

Honesty in relationships is perhaps the most important factor in mutual trust. Friends can criticize each other, helping to see the situation or act from the other side. But if the criticism and discussions concern only one person, and the words and actions of the second friend cannot be questioned, then the relationship has become toxic.

In cases where a friend is unhappy with a haircut or thinks it's time to lose a few extra pounds and points out flaws without the slightest sympathy or constructive suggestion, then this is a desire to humiliate the interlocutor, and not a constructive dialogue.

suppression

Difficult and unpredictable, but not friendly, can be called those relationships in which one of the friends is afraid to say something “wrong”. It happens that one of the duet members constantly shows anger and dissatisfaction with the other side, creating constant tension and experiencing a feeling of anger towards his friend.

It is worth paying attention to how often a friend initiates a meeting. If meetings are held only on the initiative of one party, then this may mean that the second person does not contribute to communication, perhaps even tries to ignore invitations to meetings. The flip side of neglect is excessive tenacity - it is impossible to devote all your free time to one person and neglect your own needs.

manipulation

Good friends fight sometimes, and that's part of a healthy relationship. It does not happen that two people equally evaluate actions or words, disagreements enrich the worldview and make people richer. But, if one of the friends constantly points out mistakes to the second, criticizes or makes derogatory remarks, then this is a sign of manipulation. Especially if the criticizing person considers himself right in everything, offering to accept one point of view - his own.

Friendships are not in which one person becomes dependent on the mood of the second person. Experts believe that if one of the friends shows inconsistency and unpredictable behavior, then this is a sign that there is no emotional intimacy in the relationship. For example, two friends had a great and confidential conversation on the phone, and the next day one of them ignores the second or pretends that they are strangers to each other, which causes the second to ask futile questions about his mistakes.

weigh everything

Sometimes painful relationships are not as easy to break as it seems at first glance. Psychologist Jan Jaeger, in his book When Friendship Hurts, clarifies that even close people can hurt each other. Often, toxicity in relationships manifests itself episodically, and the rest of the time a friend comes to the rescue in difficult situations, helps out when help is needed, provides moral and intellectual support.

In this case, it is worth weighing all the pros and cons, because ideal people do not exist. Before making a decision, you need to remember how often a person breaks these promises, makes the secrets entrusted to him the property of a wide range of strangers, or, responding to an offer of joint leisure, takes this step in the form of a favor. If there are more negative impressions from relationships, you should not stay in them and spoil your life, destroying faith in yourself and other people.

What's stopping you from breaking up?

Often toxic relationships do not end, but last for years, and this is due to the indecision of the suffering side. In this case, it is necessary to understand why dependent relationships have become the norm:

• Many people are afraid to be alone. According to psychologists, this is the most common fear that makes people tolerate each other. But if a person is friendly, sociable and open, then a new friendship will certainly take place.
• The joint past was joyful. Old friendships are crumbling slowly, but even if in the past people have warm relations, you should not spoil your memories with current irritation and mutual claims. Most often, a long alliance is difficult to break, but it is even worse to turn it into a farce.
• Decide on emotions. If anger, fear, love and irritation prevail in friendship on the part of one person, then you need to understand which of the raging emotions is stronger, and then make a choice in favor of a break or continuation.
• “I deserved it,” one of the friends who is constantly criticized or ridiculed may think so. A person may believe that he is imperfect, that he needs to achieve an ideal or cultivate some special qualities of character, and then everything will work out. But most likely, these are inspired beliefs. Why would a person be on friendly terms with someone who demands perfection without being perfect himself?
• Fear of judgment. All people have a social circle, friends often have common acquaintances. In the event of a breakup, the buddies will have to choose a side. Often this means confrontation, fighting arguments, and turning secrets and mysteries out into the open. To leave a toxic friendship with dignity, you should try to distance yourself from upcoming conflicts in order to avoid rumors, gossip and accusations.

Friendship makes our life more interesting and richer. Many are sure that love can end, and true friendship will last until death. Sometimes this is the reason why a toxic union does not break up. No need to worry - true friends appear in life regardless of age, position or time. Such a gift fate presents to everyone.

They say that life is nothing without true friendship. And what a happiness it is to have a devoted friend who will be with you both in joy and in sorrow, who will come to the rescue when you especially need it.

Only true friends can understand that something is wrong with you, even when you smile)).

But sometimes life separates us from the seemingly closest people. And this is normal, because we change, our friends also change.

There are certain signs that it's time to reconsider your friendship with a certain person:

1. You often quarrel. Yes, there are misunderstandings and conflicts between all friends, but if almost every meeting of yours ends in a quarrel, this is a sign that you are incompatible. Friendship should be joyful, not tense and stressful.
2. Envy and competition. If you feel the need to constantly prove something to a friend, you will feel not comfortable, but exhausted. Friendship is support and encouragement, not a race to get ahead of who is better.
3. If this friendship brings nothing to your life. Let's be honest: if someone wants to be a part of your life, then it shows. Just as guests come to your house with some kind of treat, a friend brings something new and useful into your life. Maybe he always supports you. Maybe he can always make you laugh. And he just knows how to listen.
4. Friendship should be mutual, as well as the efforts made in it. If you are constantly trying to pull a friend out for a walk, and he constantly does not have time, or he never calls first, then you should think about whether you should chase someone who is not chasing you? Stop wasting energy on those who do not appreciate it.
5. control or manipulation. If you don't feel like yourself in this friendship, drop it. Some people like to be in charge of the company or have a friend as their own servant, errand girl, imitator, and so on. Well, like the friendship of many girls at school. When there is a leader and everyone else trying to match it. For some, this extends into adulthood.
6. Tell me who your friend is... Is your friend a good person? If you hesitated even for a second, then think about how his reputation affects you? Most likely, people perceive you the same way as your friend. And you yourself can even learn from his bad behavior. Be selective in your friends because you are associated with them.
7. You spend more time thinking about the past than about the future. We all have friends from school or university. But you should not continue to actively be friends with them just because you have a common past. People grow up and that's okay. And some turn into ones that we no longer like. Don't stick to a relationship just out of respect for the past.
8. Friendship negatively affects your self-esteem. Friendship is about helping each other survive in this world, not poking our noses at how miserable we are. If this friendship makes you feel worse than that friend, you should break up with him.

And God forbid that everyone has a faithful and devoted person nearby, who will never leave and support in moments of despair.

Research shows that friendship helps us maintain mental and physical health: improves immunity, maintains normal blood pressure, reduces the risk of dementia in old age and even the risk of sudden death.

But even with the best of friends, communication can suddenly become nauseatingly tense.

Journalist Karlin Flora described the different types of toxic relationships and explained where problems with friends come from and why it's not always a bad thing.

We publish a translation of her article.

Remember the last time you sat opposite your best friend and felt that she knows you very well and, most importantly, truly understands you. Perhaps you have felt that she awakens the best qualities in you, in her presence you succeed in the most sensible remarks and the most witty jokes.

She inspired you. She always listened carefully, found hidden patterns in your behavior, and then carefully suggested how you can change everything for the better.

You liked to gossip about common acquaintances, from time to time you indulged in memories of joint adventures. You willingly delved into your favorite topics, exchanged half-hints that were barely understandable to others, and easily deciphered meaningful euphemisms in each other's speech.

Perhaps you even know the pleasant feeling of admiration for your girlfriend, which was accompanied by a sense of pride from the realization of your similarity with her.

The person about whom you had a very high opinion appreciated you mutually - of course, this brought a feeling of deep satisfaction and happiness, literally energized you.

Such friendship fills us with spiritual strength, shapes our personality, and sometimes can change our destiny.

These relationships have repeatedly been under the microscope of social scientists - thus it turned out that they help us maintain mental and physical health: good friends improve immunity, stimulate creativity, maintain normal blood pressure, reduce the risk of developing dementia in old age, and even the risk of sudden of death.

So if you feel that you cannot live without friends, not only sentimentality speaks in you, but also common sense.

But even the deepest and kindest friendships, like almost any human relationship, can be overshadowed by conflicts, resentments and tensions. It can irretrievably lose charm, it can even completely disappear for some sad reason or for no reason at all.

But there are also not so useful types of friendship: sometimes in a relationship that started on a positive note, the conflict increases every day, and in critical cases, friendship can be initially painful, toxic. Good friends make us happy, but even they demand a lot in return. If you look closely, friendship is a much more confusing and ambiguous type of relationship than is commonly thought.

For the first time, harsh reality cast a shadow on the cloudless concept of friendship, when sociologists were convinced that friendly sympathy is mutual only in half of the cases. This information is shocking to many: the same studies claim that we tend to deliberately believe that our friends almost always share our feelings.

Can you guess who on your list of friends would not put you on a similar list?

One reason for the imbalance is that friendships are often socially desirable: research among teenagers shows that people want to be friends with popular people, and they often show selectivity (and thereby upset the balance of reciprocity). One recent piece of evidence is an article by Stephen Strogatz in The New York Times published in 2012. According to his observations, our Facebook friends, on average, always have more friends than we do ourselves. And they also say that friendship is salvation from a world obsessed with updating statuses. Here is your salvation!

Scientists also distinguish ambivalent kind of friendship - it is characterized by mutual dependence and conflicts. If you have such a friend in your life, he simultaneously evokes both positive and negative feelings in you. For example, when you see his name on the smartphone screen, you will think twice before answering the call.

This type of relationship is very common. Each of us has a network of socially important contacts, and, according to statistics, there are about 50% of ambivalent characters in it. In fairness, it’s worth saying that these are most often family members, and not friends (after all, you can’t get rid of relatives so easily). Nevertheless, this is yet another stone in the garden of the "spotless" concept of friendship.

But even those friends whom you boldly call faithful, reliable and interesting people can overshadow your life if at least one less attractive one is added to these qualities. Thanks to sociological research, we know very well that:

• depressed friend will likely incline you to share his depression,
• obese friend- to gain excess weight,
• and with friends who smoke or drink a lot, and you will drink and smoke more.

In some cases, "good" friends develop goals, habits, or values ​​that don't match ours. Of course, these people did nothing wrong to us. But over time, they cease to be part of the group that defines our social identity and / or helps us solve pressing problems. Staying with them, we swim against the current.

To all the annoying effects of a contradictory ambivalent friendship, one should also include real harm to our health. In 2003, scientists Julianne Holt-Lunstad of Brigham Young University and Bert Uchino of the University of Utah conducted a collaborative study in which participants were asked to wear a portable blood pressure monitor and record their daily interactions with people. The readings of the devices claimed that blood pressure during communication with ambivalent friends was higher than during truly friendly and even outright hostile communication. This is probably due to the fact that such relationships are largely unpredictable, and therefore force us to be on the alert all the time: "Is Jane going to ruin everyone's Christmas Eve again?"

In addition, ambivalent relationships are associated with such unpleasant phenomena as impaired reactivity of the cardiovascular system, premature cellular aging, low levels of stress resistance, and a general deterioration in well-being.

However, in one case, researchers of ambivalent friendship came up with unexpected results: it turned out that it has a positive effect on the working process. As scientists have found, ambivalent colleagues tend to put themselves in the place of another more often than usual - in part because in such relationships there is always a place of uncertainty and a person tries to understand what they really are. In addition, ambivalent friendships add insecurity, which in turn makes people work harder to gain a foothold in their position.

Pseudo-friends, or friend-enemies, is another kind of conflicting relationship between people. But in this case, contrasting feelings are neatly layered on top of each other: friendliness over rivalry or hostility, in contrast to the ambivalent connection with her explosive cocktail of love, hate, irritation, pity, affection, disgust, tenderness and a couple of other unpredictable ingredients.

Many of us know firsthand the powerful motivating power that comes with having such a friend-foe in the office, not to mention romantic or parent-child relationships in which this power can become devastating.

Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, and so are unhappy friendships: there are countless reasons why a friend might be "unfavorable" to you. A couple of American researchers delved into this topic - Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist from Denver, and Sharon Livingston, a psychologist and marketing consultant from New York.

Here are the typical signs of "unfavorable" friendships that they were able to detect:

• a bad friend makes you feel competitive with other friends;
• she talks about herself much more often than you;
• she allows herself to criticize you from above, but immediately becomes defensive if you criticize her in return;
• during communication, you get the feeling that you are walking on thin ice, because at any moment you can provoke a flash of her anger or disapproval;
• the relationship is dominated by the so-called emotional swing: today she can be sympathetic and friendly, and the next day she pulls back and behaves as if you barely know each other.

In 2014, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University (Pittsburgh) found an interesting correlation while studying the social lives of healthy people. women over 50. It turned out that if the volume of negative episodes increased in their relationships with others, their risk of developing hypertension increased at the same time. Negative social interactions - for example, unbearable demands and criticism from others, disappointments, "exchange of pleasantries" - led to the fact that the appearance of hypertension in the subjects became 38% more likely.

But in men, no connection was found between negative communication and high blood pressure. This is probably due to the fact that women in general are more concerned about relationships between people and are socially predisposed to pay more attention to them.

Negative communication also contributes to the occurrence of inflammatory processes in the body.- in both women and men. Such data was obtained in the course of her research by Jessica Chiang, a researcher at the University of California (Los Angeles). According to her findings, accumulated social stressors, like real toxins, can cause physical harm to a person.

Those friendships that are destined to be the most painful of our lives often start on a positive note and only then turn into a nightmare. For example, a recent study among teenagers found that people with a past friendship were 4.3 times more likely to express mutual aggression online than just acquaintances.

In other words, sociological statistics agree with Diane de Poitiers (favorite of the French king Henry II), who, back in the 16th century, stated: "To have a worthy enemy, choose a friend: he knows where to strike".

Another slippery slope that friendship can take unexpectedly, was described by writer Robert Greene in his book 48 Laws of Power. Friendly help in finding a job, he warns can cause your relationship to gradually turn from good to bad. This is due, in particular, to the peculiarities of the emotional reaction provoked by such serious favors.

Oddly enough, it is an act of your kindness that can throw a relationship out of balance. People want to feel that their success is deserved. A friendly favor can cause depressing thoughts: “What if I was chosen only because of my connections? Perhaps I am not worthy of this place at all? A condescending attitude, which is easy to suspect in a sympathetic friend, can seriously hurt self-esteem. The trauma will not immediately make itself felt, but gradually there will be more rude directness in the relationship, outbursts of discontent and envy will appear - and before you have time to understand something, the friendship will end.

“So what - directness and disinterested help can destroy true friendship?” - you ask.

On the one hand, this statement challenges the ideals of absolute openness and boundless generosity - the necessary attributes of sincere friendly affection. But on the other hand, it seems that this is where the key to unraveling is hidden, why friendship can be both favorable, and ambivalent, and harmful, and even move from one state to another.

In his paper "The Evolution of Reciprocal Altruism" published in 1971, evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers summarized:

"Each individual tends to show a tendency towards both altruistic behavior and cheating."

Cheating here refers to the conscious intention to give at least a little less within the relationship or take at least a little more than our friend would take or give in a similar situation.

Trivers explains that evolution has made us clever, sly crooks. The complex mechanism of our psyche helps us detect those who cheat too openly and notice when we ourselves become too generous.

Trivers writes:

“A rude crook will not reciprocate, and an altruist will receive absolutely nothing as a reward for his generosity ... Obviously, in this case, natural selection will be extremely negative towards the crook. Crafty cheating, on the other hand, involves a certain degree of reciprocity. This art is to give less than you receive - or, more precisely, to give less than the partner would give in the opposite situation.

Perhaps it is this balance between selfishness and altruism, which averages close to 50/50, that explains many of the other 50% rates that crop up in research on friendships.

Let's remember: only 50% of friends have mutual sympathy, our social networks are 50% ambivalent relationships .

Even the average person is able to recognize a lie only 50% of the time.

Evolution has made us sharp enough not to let ourselves be fooled, but at the same time saved us from the inevitable torments that life in a world of absolute harsh truth would bring with it. So we have a loophole for compliments and white lies.

Similarly, we are able to detect cheating on the part of friends, but still not very virtuoso, otherwise we would risk completely losing faith in people and any desire to maintain friendships. Nature has kept the perfect balance - 50/50.

Psychologist Jan Jaeger conducted a survey for his book When Friendship Hurts (2002) and found that 68% of respondents had experienced betrayal by their friends. Who are these heartless traitors? Why are there so many? However, with the figure of 68% - maybe not “them”, but “us”?

This frightening thought made me wonder:

Do we really make an effort to forgive petty offenses?

Express dissatisfaction before it builds up and forces you to end the relationship forever?

Find time for a long-awaited meeting?

Recognize the right of another person not to agree with us on everything?

Are we really trying to give generously rather than keep score?

Do we pressure our friends with our unjustified expectations?

Is it true that we do our best to keep our friendship?

Well, maybe most of our friends feel the same way about themselves. And if they're unfriendly or we're pulled apart by the natural course of life, maybe we should accept that and not label relationships as toxic that we just don't want to have anymore.

When a relationship ends at the initiative of a friend or they disappear from our lives without any explanation, it can be excruciatingly painful. And although it is no secret that the circle of social contacts narrows as we grow older, for some reason we still believe that friendship is forever.

The breakup of friendships forces us to rethink our own vision of life and our own personality, especially if a friend has been around for many years. As the fresh wound throbs with pain, we hasten to brand him or her as a traitor.

But sometimes we have to leave a friend to become ourselves. In her book Connecting in College (2016), sociology professor Janice McCabe states that Breaking friendships at the initial stage of growing up is an important part of personal development.. We inevitably form our individuality and self-consciousness based on our environment: either we strive for certain people, or we start from them.

While we all need to take a look at our friendly behavior and acknowledge our responsibility for the conflicts that sometimes arise in a relationship, there are still aspects of friendship that are beyond our control.

For example, a large number of mutual friends and acquaintances can become a cornerstone in an ambiguous situation. Let's say your friend has crossed the line, but you don't want to disturb your whole company with your conflict and therefore do not publicly announce that you no longer want to do business with her. You just move away from her, but gently, so as not to cause an open confrontation and not force mutual acquaintances to choose each time which of you to invite to visit. In such cases, we remain chained to "bad" friends forever.

The laws that dictate to us with whom to remain close and whom to let go of ourselves sometimes remain a mystery even to ourselves.

• Think about it: do you have acquaintances who are very nice to you, but whom you have not seen for several years?
• And vice versa: are there in the closest circle of those with whom you actually never found a common language?

Perhaps the former are putting you on their list of "bad" friends at this very moment.

Faced with toxic friendships, painful breakups and disappointments, we experience tremendous stress that can harm us not only psychologically, but even physically. But agree that not having friends at all is an even sadder fate.

• Child will always be desperately looking for a partner to play with,
• teenager- someone who "really understands"
• but an adult- someone with whom you can sincerely share the joy of success and the bitterness of failure.

Loneliness can cause the same torment as hunger or thirst. John Cacioppo, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, has found links between loneliness and problems such as depression, obesity, alcoholism, cardiovascular problems, sleep disorders, hypertension, early onset Alzheimer's, and a cynical view of the world and suicidal thoughts.

So as long as you have problems with friends, you can consider yourself lucky: at least it means that you have friends.

Psychologists say that a woman who believes in her can have friendship with a man. If the lady is sure that men are always looking for a reason to get close to a girlfriend, then she herself will voluntarily or involuntarily provoke him to bold steps. It turns out that whether we can be friends with a man depends on how much we believe in it and are ready for it.

And yet, sometimes it happens that even women who believe in friendship between people of different sexes are faced with situations when, under the guise of friendship, a man tries to ingratiate himself and win the heart of a woman, persuade her to love or even marriage. In the most cynical cases, men can hide their desire to get sex from an inaccessible lady under the pretext of being friends. And when they reach their goal, they disappear without a trace from her life.

If you are tormented by a dilemma, how to define friendship between a man and a woman or love, first of all, you need to understand, but is it friendship? Friendship is characterized not only by the desire to hang out together, drink coffee or go to lunch in between the office routine. A friend remains a friend even in a difficult situation. He helps to get out of problems, is ready to listen to whining and will always help at least with advice. If you managed to determine friendship successfully, and you see that there is a friendship between you and a man or between your man and a prospective rival, it's time to move on to the next stage - to look for signs of a man's love. We present only a few of them.

Heightened emotionality

A man in love, first of all, gives himself away with emotions. And although many men are good at hiding their feelings, you can easily see if he gets excited or jittery when he talks about his girlfriend. Sometimes men begin to show displeasure or concern if other people ask them about the nature of their relationship with a certain lady. But if you see that he rushes to her on wings and that there is urine, and excited and satisfied comes from her, it is quite possible that this is not just friendship, this is love.

Desire to care

This sign is the most complex and ambiguous. The desire to help, take care may be present in a simple friendship, but if it is too hypertrophied, and if he begins to prioritize a particular lady above all others, it is quite possible that he is already in love.

Sexual motives

A man who is not just a friend, but longs for more, often shows his interest in sex with this woman. He can “probe” the ground, telling jokes and stories on an erotic theme, he can try to discuss intimate problems, but not just like that, but trying to find out exactly how a woman solves similar problems with her men, and whether she has these problems. He looks into her eyes 90% of the time they talk and can't look away. Finally, he can break off in mid-sentence, being mesmerized by her movements - the way she straightens her curls or shakes her leg.

It happens that a man expresses sexual intentions quite directly, but here the question is not how to determine whether friendship between a man and a woman or love. And about whether you need and want to continue this relationship. The fact is that even between friends of different sexes, sparks can “jump” from time to time. Sometimes so-called "friendly sex" can even happen. However, this does not mean that the relationship will end there. Friends with many years of experience say that often for the sake of friendship they forgive this and do not get hung up on such moments, realizing that periodically such “jumps” between friends can be.

He always has time for her

Friends can help each other, without it in any way. But unlike lovers, they know the measure in this matter. They will not rush to solve each other's problems in the middle of the night, with rare exceptions - if something terrible has really happened. A man in love is blind in this matter. He can rush to solve completely stupid and far-fetched questions of his female "friend", even risking his own well-being, sleep or health.

There are other aspects of this quality. If you do not touch on problems, then in a normal situation, a man in love behaves as if he forgets about time. He may miss the last train, does not look at his watch, ignores calls and reminders from relatives when he is meeting with her.

He is happy to introduce her to all his friends

Men are extremely closed in matters of personal relationships. They may be embarrassed to introduce their legal wife to their business partners or training buddies. And as for the woman they fall in love with, they usually do not want to show anyone for a long time. And only after his feelings turn out to be quite strong and stable, the man begins to take her to friends and acquaintances, introduce her to sisters, brothers and parents.

He forgets about other women

Friendship between a man and a woman often begins with the fact that they cry to each other "in the vest" about a failed relationship. They are pleased to know the view of the opposite sex on their problem, to listen to sober and balanced advice.

If you categorically do not want friendship with a man to move to a different level of relationship, you should sound the alarm after he starts refusing to meet with all other women, except for the one with whom he is friends. This means that falling in love with him does not allow him to build normal relationships with anyone other than his beloved. At this point, a man can destroy a long-term relationship with another woman, if any.

The list of criteria for distinguishing "just friendship" from other relationships could be continued. However, the conclusion we want to draw is that an observant woman with good intuition will not miss the moment when friendship with a man begins to flow into something more. To do this, you need to be open to observations and be attentive to the man. Then everything will become clear and everything will fall into place.

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This is one case where the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Protecting the psyche of the child from guilt, you do not give him the opportunity to repent. Only a feeling of remorse, a feeling of regret for one's bad deeds, keeps one from repeating them. Instead of experiencing with the child both guilt and loss, you lied to him, you inspired him: "You are not to blame for anything, you are not to blame for anything." This is how egoists are raised. Now, every time he does something bad, your son will repeat to himself: "I'm not guilty of anything!" But your son has a conscience - he KNEW and UNDERSTAND that the animal died, and that it was he who caused it. But he had no one to share his experiences with. You have lied to your son - don't be surprised when he lies to you. You once saved him from guilt - do not be surprised when your grown-up, adult son refuses to admit his guilt at least in some way and take responsibility for his actions