Are there men who don't cheat? Why do people cheat? Where do those ardent feelings that just recently so touched their souls disappear? What men and women look for in other relationships

Why do people cheat? Where do those disappear? passionate feelings, which just recently touched their souls so much? What do men and women look for in other relationships?

It is perhaps impossible to give unambiguous answers to these questions. After all, love relationships are always complex and each case is individual.
We will try to consider the most typical reasons and circumstances that push people to cheat.

A case from psychological practice

“Their acquaintance caused a breakdown in the marriage. He is an exemplary family man and father of three children. She is a lonely woman who longs to find happiness with her loved one. She is tormented by jealousy, resentment and hopelessness. He also suffers, but cannot leave his family. They tried to break up, but it didn't work out. And so they live, secretly meeting, often quarreling and each suffering from their weakness, from the powerlessness to break this vicious triangle of suffering that has bound them tightly.”

Despite the fact that love triangle carries with it many problems, people enter its territory again and again, hoping for happiness, joy and love. However, love, born in the space of such a triangle, is initially sick. She's only on short time allows you to feel joy and euphoria, and then turns into poison, slowly eating away at the lives of everyone who is part of it.

All the variety of reasons that push people to commit adultery can be reduced to the main ones:

Chronic dissatisfaction with basic needs.

Men and women equally need attention and affection. If there is no tenderness in a relationship, there may be a feeling that it is being used for domestic and sexual purposes. Tenderness is a manifestation of care and an indicator of attention for another person. When this does not happen in a relationship, a person begins to feel lonely and thinks that he is not loved. It is quite natural that the need to find a “close soul” arises.

If they are without their own home for a long time, people begin to feel unsettled. This is aggravated if the family also constantly lacks funds for a normal existence. In such conditions, a woman does not feel support and protection from a man and conflicts may arise. A man, in turn, does not perceive a woman as a “keeper of the hearth.” But these qualities are the “foundation” for construction family relations. A similar development of the situation is possible if there are several owners in the house (for example, a wife and mother-in-law, a husband and father-in-law).

The difference is in emotional dependence on the partner.

They usually say about such relationships: “One loves, the other allows himself to be loved.” This happens when one partner seeks greater intimacy than the other. Relationships become unbalanced because one partner expresses love more intensely than the other can handle. The boundaries of individuality, which are necessary to maintain psychological comfort, are violated.

Unmet expectations and attitudes.

Very often, when entering into a relationship, a person compares his spouse with a certain in an ideal way, which would meet all his expectations. For a woman, this is the ideal father or “ good husband girlfriends." For men, this is the mother or wife of a friend. Such ideas about love do not allow you to accept your spouse as he is.

Also, the reason for conflicts and, as a consequence, leading to betrayal, may be some beliefs regarding married life. Such, for example, as: “A happy marriage is a marriage without difficulties, disagreements and stress”, “A prosperous family is a family without problems.” These are unrealistic beliefs. There will always be problems - this is the reality of our lives.

Violation psychological boundaries.

For some spouses, living together means that now everything should be common - things, affairs, relaxation, space. They begin to view their partner as property, trying to guide them and tell them how to live correctly. At the same time, they are offended if the other person resists this type of relationship. The partner has a desire to distance himself, to protect his psychological territory from the constant presence of a loved one, but still another person. And then relationships are created on the side. In these relationships, boundaries are respected and accepted, since they were initially built on knowledge of marital status partner.

Domestic conflicts.

Everyday life can extinguish the most passionate and tender feelings. On the one hand, worries and hardships unite, but they can also cause a negative reaction towards the spouse. If there are too many of them, then over time it begins to lead to accumulation negative emotions, which are already transferred to relationships. There may be a desire to get “release” on the side. For a while, forget about your debt and obligations to your spouse.

Psychological distortions of character.

Sometimes adultery inherent in the distortion of human character.

Ultra-high need for attention and love.

We all want to be loved. We feel happier if we know that we are loved. But there are people for whom love becomes a drug. These people are ready to make any sacrifice for the sake of another person: obey, adapt, give up their opinions and needs. But they do not do all this disinterestedly. In response, they require constant confirmation of love and sympathy. Their thirst cannot be satisfied because they are looking for love outside, and not inside themselves. In such cases, their partner creates a new relationship on the side, where the suffocating demands of the spouse do not have access.

Hunter syndrome.

“Hunter syndrome” - It is characteristic not only of men, as is commonly believed, but also of women. Such people easily cheat on their spouses. They give the impression of self-confident people, but in fact behind this lies anxiety and disbelief that they can build close relationships and be needed by someone. They need constant confirmation of their irresistibility and ability to evoke a response.

Fear of close relationships.

Singles can enjoy company loved one, but only on condition that it does not develop into something more. Close contact with another person, responsibilities and expectations can damage their comfortable psychological state. Most often, these are people who were deprived of attention and love from their parents in childhood. If such a person enters into a relationship, then he may also have several parallel connections, because not one of them can greatly disturb him. Marriage for such people is like a feat.

The difference is in the priority of values.

One of the partners cares more about intellectual, emotional and spiritual values, while the other cares about career, money, and power.

Physiological.

Sexual dissatisfaction: different needs of partners. Spouses, by nature or for other reasons, rarely experience sexual attraction to each other.

If cheating has already happened

How to behave if betrayal has already happened? Such an event is usually a severe mental trauma. And it means the beginning of a new and rather difficult stage of life. Regardless of what decision you come to regarding the continuation of your relationship, you will have to solve several problems simultaneously:

1) experience of loss.
2) formation of a constructive attitude towards past events
3) restoration of your emotional state
4) building new relationships.

If you have decided to forgive your spouse, then try to understand what positive changes need to be made in your relationship in order to save the marriage. You can only solve a problem if you understand its source. You will no longer be able to trust if you do not find out what reasons pushed him to cheat. The following questions may help you figure this out.

What is your role in this event?

In any conflict there is a share of personal contribution of each participant. Think about how you could have provoked his infidelity (you often criticized him, were not interested in his affairs, paid little attention, stopped listening, or began to neglect marital responsibilities...)

Why did the betrayal happen now?

Perhaps this coincided with age crisis(crisis of the meaning of life). This usually happens at 25-27, 35-38, 42-45, 52-56 years. During such periods, a person may experience a fear of aging or feel that he needs more heat and attention.

Also, the cause of betrayal may be a crisis in your marriage. Crisis years for a family are 3, 7, 14, 21. During these years, significant changes occur: the birth of children, the departure of spouses different areas activities, growing up and children leaving home, retirement, etc.

Why did you cheat with this person?

What qualities, habits, behavior does this person have? Perhaps, based on this information, you will understand what your spouse is missing in your relationship.

What can you change in your relationship to prevent cheating from happening again?

Let's highlight questions that help form harmonious relationships:

• Coordination romantic relationships to each other.
• What should your spouse do to make you feel happy?
• What can you do for your partner?

For mature spouses, you can remember what used to attract each other. Select the interaction that you want general opinion, previously brought joy and contributed to the development of relationships. And adapt this interaction to today's life.

Shared rituals:

• Go shopping together, clean the house, have dinner, visit relatives.
• Joint holiday gatherings: New Year, birthdays, Valentine's day.
• Trips out of town, trips to the cinema, theaters, zoo.

Prevention of conflicts and disputes.

Find time to discuss exciting issues. One of the components happy marriage is the ability to negotiate, find compromises, clarify and voice your needs on time.

Listen to your feelings - they are signals about what is happening to you and your family. If you feel dissatisfied with your spouse, then it is important to talk to him about it, clarify the situation that caused it, and not prolong the conflict.

In such conversations it is necessary:

• Choose a time when no one is in a hurry and both interlocutors are in the mood for a conversation;
• Eliminate threats, criticism, insults, shouting;
• You can start the conversation with what is happening, how you see it, and how it affects your life. Finally, say what you would like instead and emphasize that you are willing to listen to your partner's opinion and discuss his suggestions.
• It is important to listen without interrupting, although this may be unpleasant. Let the other person talk.
• Avoid generalizations: “you always...”, “you never...”.
• Try to talk about how you feel when another person behaves this way, rather than blaming: “When you behave this way, I feel...” rather than “You are bad.”

Both men and women need satisfaction of basic needs, a feeling of security, neediness and worthiness in all areas of life, reinforcement of their attractiveness from loved ones significant people- this creates emotional comfort.

The basis of a harmonious relationship is the openness of the spouses to each other on the basis of mutual respect; the opportunity to speak freely about your problems, experiences and expectations, and to be heard; the ability to meet each other and build a common space that is comfortable for both.

Otherwise, conflicts greatly affect psychological state, which manifests itself through irritability, withdrawal or depression. A person loses self-confidence and begins to look elsewhere for confirmation of his worth. This is how the ground for betrayal appears. After all, the essence of betrayal is the inability to fully discover and realize oneself in a relationship. The best remedy save strong marriage - true love which presupposes trust and openness to each other.

Cheating remains the number one cause of divorce. Moreover, divorces are sick and difficult, which entail a lot of grievances. And it's not about sex at all.

If you take a slice family life, then many don’t care how many partners a husband or wife had before marriage. If there were 11 of them, not 10, no one would raise a scandal because of this (we are not talking about chronic jealous people, a special discussion about them).

If a couple gets divorced (sorry hello to 50% of marriages), then they also don’t care how many partners the other will have after the divorce. But if the 11th partner appears during marriage, then this completely changes the matter.

And the point here is not sex, but a betrayal of trust. It hurts us when we are deceived and betrayed. However, relationships are a two-way street and the desire to change, as well as the desire not to change, always involves both partners.

Why do couples cheat on each other?

1) People choose the wrong partners.

Neurotic attitudes, self-doubt and lack of awareness often force people to choose not those with whom they are happy, and those with whom they do not experience loneliness. This is a kind of compromise so as not to be alone. However, they then experience “double nights,” which is sometimes worse than loneliness because it is burdened with a sense of guilt.

At some stage, one of the lucky ones, or rather the unlucky ones, breaks down and finds a relationship on the side. Double-nuptialism leads to the fact that parallel relationships can last for years, because... behind them is the fear of breaking up with the main partner who is not suitable and being left alone.

2) They get bored.

Unfortunately, even very loving people They get bored with each other and sometimes they want to run away from each other somewhere. He cuts his nails on the sofa and leaves them on the table; she clogs the drain with her hair. He knows what she will say before she opens her mouth, she knows that he will whine again that she spent a lot. Everyday life gets boring, people become boring with each other, along with their habits - and you want something new.

Here it is necessary to divide the degree of unbearability. If this is no longer possible, then cheating will alienate the partners from each other forever. If this is a desire to unwind, then an affair on the side will not necessarily divide the spouses, sometimes it can even strengthen the connection.

3) The desire to get attention.

The romantic phase of a relationship is determined by a decline in oxytocin, and with it, falling in love. It occurs approximately 2 years after the start of the relationship. At this stage, partners begin to decline rose-colored glasses, there is a de-idealization of each other and the disappearance of musi-pusi. At this same stage, partners begin to think: Does he love me? Am I any good? What am I worth?

This often pushes partners to flirt on the side in order to test their “worth” in the love market.. Sometimes flirting flows into something more, ranging from emotional intimacy to physical intimacy.

Here it is important to communicate with your partner and receive feedback from him, along with compliments, romance and hugs. But to get it, after the romantic phase you will have to ask for it. Many people have a problem with this, because you don’t have to ask outside, they give it themselves. That's why I claim that relationships are work. Unfortunately, you will have to ask.

4) Desire for physical intimacy.

You may not believe in astrology, but in the Zodiac the point responsible for the family is in the fall in the sign responsible for sex (the same famous Moon in Scorpio). It turns out that sex and family are conflicting things. Family is home, comfort, children, pillows, tea in front of the TV, paintings on the wall, not sex and passion. That's why they go to lovers and mistresses for sex.

The convenience of family life makes us forget about the physical component of relationships. The chemistry that was created when you first met no longer makes a difference. At the same time, the physical need for sex, which automatically contains the emotional need for sex, does not disappear anywhere. She is depressed and looking for a way out.

What to do? Hugging, kissing, having sex. Throw out the pillows, pour out the tea.

5) Constant conflicts.

Conflict is always stressful. Couples who constantly conflict expose themselves to prolonged stress that the body cannot cope with. There is a release of cortisol, which causes the body to get sick and age. Therefore, one of the partners begins to look for a relationship on the side. Peaceful relations, of course. In the family, he or she will quarrel, but with a lover or mistress they will rest their soul and body.

Conflicts are the fastest and most effective path not only to infidelity, but also to inevitable divorce. It is almost impossible to resolve conflicts alone, because conflicts are a communication pattern. It can be changed if you change the thoughts and feelings that underlie it. This requires therapy.

Cheating has no clear definition. You yourself define what treason is. There are couples who get divorced because one of them received a text message with a heart. There are couples who have foursome sex on the same bed and watch each other. There is no recipe. There is only what you personally consider acceptable for both of you.

And so advice: talk, talk, talk to each other. Cheating begins where partners do not listen to each other.published

Treason- the most common cause of divorce and... Why do people cheat on each other? There are four main reasons why people cheat.

1. Physiological reasons.

This includes chronic dissatisfaction with sex and everything related to the sexual side of the partners’ lives. Different attitude To sex life, different needs, desires, etc. This side of relationships is considered not by psychologists, but by sexologists and sex therapists.

2. Chronic dissatisfaction with basic needs .

These include those needs that are important in the relationship between a man and a woman, such as the need for love and close relationships, the need for respect, tenderness, a sense of self-attractiveness, a feeling of “home, full cup"and financial security.

As soon as one of the partners realizes that he “made a mistake in the calculations,” i.e. did not receive what was expected, the relationship that he expected, the feelings that he expected to experience, etc., there is a distance from the partner, and a search for everything expected outside the relationship.

3. Unbalanced relationships between partners.

These include:

• The difference is in emotional dependence on a partner, when one partner strives for greater intimacy than the other.
• Frequent conflicts when partners do not resolve naturally arising contradictions, but constantly fight with each other, due to the inability to listen and hear each other, empathize with the other and be able to express their thoughts and feelings.
• Violation of psychological boundaries, when a partner is considered as property, when it is believed that desires, interests, and activities can be permitted or prohibited. When you don’t have your own personal space, your own time for yourself.
• A negative reflex towards a partner, when everyday life extinguishes the most tender and passionate feelings, when two people are mired in everyday worries and burdens, forgetting what else connects them.

4. Psychological distortions in character

These distortions are based on anxiety and self-doubt. Often all this manifests itself in an obsessive desire for love or in “closed” behavior when the partner secludes himself and looks for ways to remain alone.

To solve problems that arise, contact for help, because there are no unsolvable situations, there are decisions that have not been made.