Scientific novel - the adventures of a cowardly lioness, or the art of living, which can be learned. The adventures of the cowardly lioness, or the art of living that can be learned

Introduction

Dedicated to my dear and beloved Teacher in life, Mikhail Efimovich Litvak

I had the idea or even a dream to write a book about my life for as long as I can remember. For me personally, writing down feelings, thoughts, and events has become an integral part of self-therapy. I learned very well how to use the effect when, after splashing everything that is spinning in my head into the diary, there (in this very head) there is room for new impressions. And when I am overwhelmed with anxiety and I am engaged in mental “chewing gum”, then after written reflections, somehow everything is in order. Mikhail Efimovich believes that this book can be useful from a practical point of view. In terms of how a person, working on himself, turns from a completely unoriented, as he says in life, from an overdressed fifa, who is afraid of any independence deep in his soul, into a person who builds his own life.
(Now I recommend to all my students to write a book about themselves. It is not so difficult. Describe all your memories with the words that come into your head. Write as if for yourself. If any other thoughts come up at this time, write down and them. Write when you are happy and when you are sad. If you remember it, then it means that it has some meaning. And then keep a diary. The main thing is to be sincere, write for yourself. And after you have written a biography, continue to write diary - M.L.)
The impetus in my self-development was a banal “kick in the ass” from the side of circumstances, when 11 years ago I realized that in such a marriage as I did, I cannot and will not live. And with a 3-month-old daughter in my arms, I started the divorce proceedings. Well, then - all the ups and downs on the way to independence, which I had to face.
During these years I kept diaries. When I flipped through them now, I was glad of their complete openness, but I was confused by the fact that my conclusions at that time, on that situation, and those that I draw from the current point of view, are completely different. The past ones are infantile and seem naive to me now. Now I would give a different assessment to almost all the facts from the biography, I would perceive almost all events with a completely different worldview. The current understanding came to me a little more than two years ago, and I was imbued with feelings only six months ago - along with the fact of financial independence that came. If you look at absolute numbers, then I always earned normally. Even during my first marriage, I could live modestly on my salary. And if we compare my income with the income of most Rostov managers of a decent level over the past 3-4 years, then they are more than comparable. But no matter how much I earn, I always had the feeling in my heart that without the support of a strong man I would not be able to feed myself and that all my financial successes were accidental. When parting with my second husband, after one conversation with him, I completely closed for myself the option of contacting him for financial help. And most likely, by this moment I was ready psychologically. As a result, I not only paid off all fairly large loans and bought a car, but also earned an amount of money that I can normally live on for three years without working.

All the time that I visited Litvak's groups, I kept very detailed diaries, so there was plenty of material for the book. When I started the first notebook, I was confused: how now, in 2009, with current feelings, will I insert THESE materials into a book about myself? For some reason I wanted to call all this nonsense and nonsense. Even awkward somehow. Because I'm completely different now. I would now quite differently wrote her biography. Quite different divorced her first husband. Quite different building relationships with growing daughter. Quite different built working relationships. Completely different would appreciate all those events. And this "at all", as I said, appeared at all recently. As they say, there were quantitative accumulations that gave a qualitative leap. But then I thought it was all for the best. That I will not change and embellish my previous thoughts, that with this option, the dynamics of a person’s spiritual changes, the transition from neurotic thoughts and feelings and an inadequate assessment of reality to a more real one, will be much better seen. Therefore, everything remains in the same version as it was when I was owned those thoughts, those feelings, those emotions. To your judgement.

So, I begin "The Adventures of the Cowardly Lioness."

Let's talk a little about latent prostitution. What it is? Latent means hidden, implicit. This is when a woman does not treat herself as a full-fledged person, but sees the meaning of her life in successfully marrying and being a companion of a good man who will solve not only her material problems, but will also take on the solution of many of her life problems. (Unfortunately, we still have many women brought up in this style, the style of latent prostitution. Once I was invited to conduct classes in the psychology of communication at a beauty school. Girls 12-16 years old from wealthy families studied there. They were taught manners, cosmetics, the art of seduction. Well, they decided to introduce them to the psychology of communication. At the first lesson, I asked the girls what the meaning of life they see. Almost in unison, they answered me: "Find a person." I gently answered: "Or maybe it's better to become a person." I didn't work at this school anymore.-ML) When I started compiling the material for this book, the question arose about its structure. In what order should I put everything? I decided to arrange them in the order in which my relationship with my husbands developed. And now it suddenly dawned on me: after all, this is the remnants of the persistent psychology of a latent prostitute. Why? Who is at the center of the events of my own life? I myself. Why are we all born? The Bible and great thinkers answer this question - in order to realize the abilities inherent in us, that is, the meaning of life in creativity. I even began to build the structure of the book around my personal life. And I caught myself thinking that the thought is still deep somewhere that I myself, a woman, cannot build my life on my own without the support of a strong man. That is why I put love relationships at the forefront. Correcting my first impulse now.

As Viktor Frankl said, “A life lived by an individual is much more exciting than any novel!”

From the author

It's only been (although some may think that "already") eleven years. Eleven years, as a result of which a person managed, from my point of view, to radically change the backbone of his character. Change your script, or rather, get out of it. According to my estimates, and according to the estimates of the expert - M. Litvak, the heroine, that is, I, have almost left my script. The scenario of the helpless person. Scenario of the Cowardly Lioness. And she became almost a Lioness and a queen in life. (I think that I have already become Bagheera, the mistress of my life. - M.L.) That is, a person for whom the shadows of fears still stretch from time to time, the script tape periodically works, but this person already builds and plans his life himself and knows how to deal with these fears fight, and somewhere to be friends. A good life has developed or a bad one - to judge the readers. But even if not as good and successful as some others, but the heroine follows it only of her own free will. And this is the biggest success. It is also valuable that she has not just faith, but the CONFIDENCE that if you continue to move in the same direction, then the results (including external ones) will be achieved according to the law of geometric progression - much faster and more efficiently.

Where did it all start?
Woman 25 years old. Beautiful (then was). (I think that she is being embarrassed. And now she is still good. Maybe she has even become even better, because a mature solidity has appeared in her posture, look and speech. Janusz Korczak also said that a beautiful child needs to be brought up differently than an ugly one. Beauty should be a calling a card, but not a banner. Those who want to live at the expense of beauty will face a collapse in life. But if a beautiful woman does not realize that she is beautiful, and it happens so, then she will also be in big trouble. I wrote about this in detail in the book " How to know and change your destiny "in the section" How to become beautiful. - M.L.) Formally married to a successful businessman. Two month old daughter. Proudly enters the office of a well-known psychotherapist, who was recommended to her after she complained "about the terrible fate and her husband" to her friends and doctors at the clinic of the medical institute. At the entrance to the doctor with a complaint about the "lack of orgasm" and asking for help, as fate is collapsing - the husband, the bastard, cheats left and right and tells her about it in detail, warning that there will be more, and she should be grateful for that he is in her destiny and provides for her properly. Well, and so on. Among other things - the threat of the "reptile" (from her point of view) to leave her without an apartment. Pressure from relatives on both sides: she supposedly "should come to terms and live with such a wonderful person." And the ambition (well, a healthy start too) does not really allow her to do this. BUT ... instead of the usual sympathy, the doctor laughs at the heroine and says that she herself, to put it mildly, is not very smart. It was a big surprise for her. In addition to the ridicule of the doctor (and this was M.E. Litvak), she received a recommendation to take care of herself, and not an orgasm, that is:
1) learn how to earn,
2) master the profession perfectly,
3) build relationships with parents,
4) grow personally,
5) learn to love,
6) raise a physically and psychologically healthy child,
7) earn money for the apartment itself,
8) become worthy of meeting with a smart and successful sexual partner,
9) organize your own business
etc.
Well, after that, you can already part with your husband. If you want to do it by then.

And this Lioness, who is so wonderful only in appearance, and as soon as you touch or dig - aggression, tears, helplessness and a great desire to evade responsibility for your own life (understand - Cowardice), went to "personal development courses", courses that dragged on for long years (i.e. CROSS). Or, to be more precise, for life. Until the appearance of significant successes - internal and external. I went because there was simply nowhere else to go at all: no profession, no apartment, only fears and pressure from all sides. Well, threats.
(I don’t remember all this. I only remember the general impression that I already wrote about. And, of course, it was clear that she knew the value of her appearance and was sure that any man would be hers, if she only wanted to. But I acted according to the method "Purposeful modeling of emotions". I want to describe the technique, but a little lower. - M.L.)

How did events develop? Just like they are in the book.

What happened?

Difficulties in mastering a profession - jumps in work.
Sex spree and second marriage. The marriage was successful and stormy at first, since there was a common cause, and a common worldview, and common thoughts, and everything in common. Delight in sex. The delight of amazing physical intimacy, which never happened until the age of 28. Complete stupidity and illiteracy in the field of sex. The "lack of orgasm" suddenly ended, and it turned out that the heroine was polyorgasmic. And many thanks to the first husband for putting on her this sex inferiority complex, which she was able to overcome.
The end of the second marriage: "deeds disperse - the bodies disperse." Interests diverged. The second husband tried to manipulate in order to reserve the right to "return" everything if he wanted to. Exposing his game through correct behavior and skills of analysis and introspection. As a result, the worries subsided within two months (unlike the first divorce, when it took 8 years), and cooperation in business continues to this day. There are symptoms for a break in business, but the heroine is ready for this and will endure. (While the book was being edited, there was a final business section with the second husband. - M.L.)
Building relationships with parents. From burning hatred and scandals - to understanding, sympathy with a clear fence and respect for one's interests. From the visible side, relations have become warm. And in fact it is the same.
The magnificent plot of the parental gambit, which is given in the book by M.E. Litvak, Psychological Gambits and Combinations. And I'm just proud of this plot (its decision and execution). Why? Because at first the father of the child tried to take away the daughter. Scandals, fights, trials, exhortations, truces - and a continuous waste of energy without effect. Then the heroine of her own free will gave her daughter to him for upbringing. Her anguish and fears that she would finally lose her. Two years of daughter's unwillingness to communicate with her. Resignation to the fact that as a mother the heroine did not take place. The birth of a change in their relationship three years later. Six years later (just super!) the daughter blackmails her father that she will go to live with her mother. And this chapter of Life has not yet been completed, since the daughter is growing up and the desired result (that is, obtaining an independent and independent person) has not yet been achieved. But the heroine clearly knows “the growth period and the rules for watering and fertilizing this tomato”, fulfills them (although with some breakdowns and kickbacks, and then correcting mistakes) and is simply sure that everything will be as it should. It is necessary for Life, and it is necessary for her.
Huge disruption at work, described by Karen Horney, which is beautifully illustrated by the real fears of the heroine when doing ANY work. Especially when starting your own business. Fear of taking responsibility and carrying it. Low self-esteem and endless fears, fears, fears ... At the same time, she was a coward, but she did it. She was cowardly, but she did it. I made mistakes, sobbed, corrected mistakes and made mistakes again. And I didn't believe in myself. Until there is a qualitative leap - the transition of quantity into quality.
And this transition took place for two reasons. Firstly, the proper amount of skills – professional and managerial – has been accumulated. Accumulated resistance to the "vicissitudes of fate." Most importantly, the heroine has achieved financial independence, not only personal, but also in doing business. There is a certain wide popularity in narrow circles. There is a new beautiful car, an apartment, a reserve in case of a “hungry” year. There is a clear understanding of the market, business and working methods in the development of your business. There is a mad love for her own profession and a FEELING, as A. Maslow says, that her work is “the most important thing in the world.” And she does it professionally, that is, with a clear understanding of what she can and cannot do. Cannot AT ALL, according to the conditions, or YET has not developed certain qualities. Secondly, there is a reason for internal stability and external success. This is Love. It is love from her point of view. I will give a large block from E. Fromm with his work “The Art of Loving” - where he talks magnificently about what love is, what it should be and how to learn it.
(The Cowardly Lioness has now actually told you a summary of the entire book, speaking of herself in the third person. But the details are interesting here. Therefore, I think, my dear readers, you will continue to read this book. After all, the most important thing in the book is the details . - M.L.)

Chapter 1

The appearance of a psychotherapist. Meeting with M.E.
ALL. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS
WHAT TO DO???
HUMILIATION
DEPRECIATION
HOPELESSNESS…

Another current hopeless day. March 1998 Way out of the impasse
Thoughts about Bogdan and his incomprehensibly gone life do not give rest. Started smoking. Internal anxiety pushes for no matter what actions. As long as they lead somewhere. And they brought me to an appointment at the student clinic of our medical institute. To some aunt-gynecologist. Complained about the lack of orgasm. And she told me that they have such a Litvak in the medical institute. I made an appointment with him. I sat in line for three and a half hours, listening to the story of a woman about the nuances of her menopause. And she entered the office. An ordinary medical school office with shabby furniture and a large window. A man with lush gray hair was sitting at the table and seemed to be giggling all the time. It looks like it's over me. I don't remember if I mentioned my ill-fated orgasm. But violently and with tears she laid out her "great tragedy" on the topic "my husband is a bastard." I remember very well my reaction to his reaction. I got used to the fact that my listeners in the face of my girlfriends sympathized with me and were indignant about Bogdan. All. But ... Mikhail Efimovich openly laughed. And ... no sympathy for my "unfortunate" fate. Everything in his speech was clear and concrete. I clearly remember his phrase: “What is the difference between comedy and tragedy - you know? Comedy is what the neighbor has, and tragedy is what I have myself. I was very surprised. One complete surprise, and somewhere very far away the thought: well, at least one of them normally assessed the situation. (This is one of the methods of the “Purposeful Modeling of Emotions” technique developed by me. First you need to cause surprise. Surprise is the beginning of all cognition. During surprise, the background anxiety and depressive symptoms are erased. Thinking begins to work. The condition immediately improves, because when thinking works, in endorphins are released from the blood.-ML) He sent me to read (I without much thought bought all his books published at that time in the amount of four pieces) and invited me to classes in a group on psychological aikido. Then he spent them on the territory of the medical institute in a course of 8 lessons.
And… it started. At first I took one course. Then she repeated. And then a group on oratory was organized, where we were engaged not only in oratory. Now I suddenly asked myself the question: why did I continue to walk? Yes, because I simply did not know how else to improve my life. In one moment, everything suddenly collapsed. A husband, a small child, unbearable relatives, the search for a new job and a piece of bread, the threat of being left without an apartment and (God forbid - I could only imagine this in a nightmare) to return to my mother and grandmother in Shakhty. In a word, my then world looked like this: everyone around was bastards, I was swell. But no one sees or understands this.
Read and you get back a little from what the Cowardly Lioness read.

Scientific commentary "Purposeful modeling of emotions"

Basic principles

Purposeful modeling of emotions is carried out according to the following scheme: surprise - interest - joy. If a person engaged in purposeful emotion modeling is worried about how he will look, he will not succeed. Surprise I must cause my own unconventional behavior.
Once I conducted classes with candidates for deputies. I was given the last word. The meeting had been going on for four hours. Sometimes candidates for deputies went on shouting and mutual insults. Everyone was very tired and looked at me like an enemy. I began my speech thus: “Dear comrades! I am in a unique situation. Usually at the meeting there is one candidate for deputy and 100-150 voters. Now there are 178 candidates for deputies and one voter - me. I must say that I would not choose any of you, at least from those who spoke here. There was immediately dead silence. I spoke for about an hour and a half. They greeted me with applause.
Quite often, after surprise, interest arises, and then you can continue contact and resolve specific issues, which will bring joy (satisfaction) to your communication partner. Many in the course of purposeful modeling of emotions make one fundamental mistake: they try to immediately arouse their disposition, and sometimes even become an idol, like them the first time. It's very dangerous, you can't stand on tiptoe for long. After a while, they will be disappointed in you (remember that people quickly get used to good things). For interest, it is sometimes advisable to arouse anger in a partner. Recall that anger keeps a person in the present and stimulates thinking and strength.
How to do it? The simplest and safest method is to disagree with some of his arguments, to express the exact opposite opinion, in general, to “prick” him. Here, be careful and do not bring your partner to such a state that he will rush at you with his fists. It is very easy to remove anger - agree with a partner (this is the principle of depreciation, which is described in detail in "Psychological Aikido"). The partner will have a feeling of victory over you, which will cause him a feeling of joy. He will become condescending and in some way give way to you when solving certain issues. In addition, joy contributes to rest, recuperation.
Interest and joy can change places. If you need your partner to work, the main focus should be on maintaining a sustainable interest. As soon as it falls, boredom develops. At its first signs, it is necessary to start a new cycle according to the scheme proposed above.
Further you can not read if the principle is clear to you. And here I surprised the Cowardly Lioness. All her girlfriends and acquaintances, when they listened to her story, groaned, gasped, sympathized, cried with her, and I suddenly laughed. Of course, this surprised and outraged her. And surprise erases all the background negative emotionality. She considered. And she had complete order with her thinking. Still, she graduated from the complex technical faculty of a prestigious institute. She only used her mind to her own detriment. In our system, "fool" is a compliment. This is a smart person who cannot use his mind. For example, in order to succeed, you need a mind, a person earned money, and then spent it all on an unnecessary banquet, inviting everyone around him to it, and spending all the money he earned. And this is nonsense. There is a lot of mind, but there is no mind. That's why fools are happy. They can't do big stupid things - they don't have enough mind! In fact, the main thing is not to win. Many can do it. The main thing is to be able to take advantage of the results of victory. The cowardly Lioness could not use the results of her victories. She doesn’t need to add mind, but she didn’t bother learning how to use it. Failure to use your mind leads to great grief.

Mikhail Litvak, Galina Chernaya

The Adventures of the Cowardly Lioness, or the Art of Living That Can Be Learned

Introduction

Dedicated to my dear and beloved Teacher in life, Mikhail Efimovich Litvak

(Now I recommend to all my students to write a book about themselves. It is not so difficult. Describe all your memories with the words that come into your head. Write as if for yourself. If any other thoughts come up at this time, write down and them. Write when you are happy and when you are sad. If you remember it, then it means that it has some meaning. And then keep a diary. The main thing is to be sincere, write for yourself. And after you have written a biography, continue to write diary - M.L.)

The impetus in my self-development was a banal “kick in the ass” from the side of circumstances, when 11 years ago I realized that in such a marriage as I did, I cannot and will not live. And with a 3-month-old daughter in my arms, I started the divorce proceedings. Well, then - all the ups and downs on the way to independence, which I had to face.

During these years I kept diaries. When I flipped through them now, I was glad of their complete openness, but I was confused by the fact that my conclusions at that time, on that situation, and those that I draw from the current point of view, are completely different. The past ones are infantile and seem naive to me now. Now I would give a different assessment to almost all the facts from the biography, I would perceive almost all events with a completely different worldview. The current understanding came to me a little more than two years ago, and I was imbued with feelings only six months ago - along with the fact of financial independence that came. If you look at absolute numbers, then I always earned normally. Even during my first marriage, I could live modestly on my salary. And if we compare my income with the income of most Rostov managers of a decent level over the past 3-4 years, then they are more than comparable. But no matter how much I earn, I always had the feeling in my heart that without the support of a strong man I would not be able to feed myself and that all my financial successes were accidental. When parting with my second husband, after one conversation with him, I completely closed for myself the option of contacting him for financial help. And most likely, by this moment I was ready psychologically. As a result, I not only paid off all fairly large loans and bought a car, but also earned an amount of money that I can normally live on for three years without working.

So, I begin "The Adventures of the Cowardly Lioness."

As Viktor Frankl said, “A life lived by an individual is much more exciting than any novel!”

Where did it all start?

Woman 25 years old. Beautiful (then was). (I think that she is being embarrassed. And now she is still good. Maybe she has even become even better, because a mature solidity has appeared in her posture, look and speech. Janusz Korczak also said that a beautiful child needs to be brought up differently than an ugly one. Beauty should be a calling a card, but not a banner. Those who want to live at the expense of beauty will face a collapse in life. But if a beautiful woman does not realize that she is beautiful, and it happens so, then she will also be in big trouble. I wrote about this in detail in the book " How to know and change your destiny "in the section" How to become beautiful. - M.L.) Formally married to a successful businessman. Two month old daughter. Proudly enters the office of a well-known psychotherapist, who was recommended to her after she complained "about the terrible fate and her husband" to her friends and doctors at the clinic of the medical institute. At the entrance to the doctor with a complaint about the "lack of orgasm" and asking for help, as fate is collapsing - the husband, the bastard, cheats left and right and tells her about it in detail, warning that there will be more, and she should be grateful for that he is in her destiny and provides for her properly. Well, and so on. Among other things - the threat of the "reptile" (from her point of view) to leave her without an apartment. Pressure from relatives on both sides: she supposedly "should come to terms and live with such a wonderful person." And the ambition (well, a healthy start too) does not really allow her to do this. BUT ... instead of the usual sympathy, the doctor laughs at the heroine and says that she herself, to put it mildly, is not very smart. It was a big surprise for her. In addition to the ridicule of the doctor (and this was M.E. Litvak), she received a recommendation to take care of herself, and not an orgasm, that is:

1) learn how to earn,

2) master the profession perfectly,

3) build relationships with parents,

4) grow personally,

5) learn to love,

6) raise a physically and psychologically healthy child,

7) earn money for the apartment itself,

8) become worthy of meeting with a smart and successful sexual partner,

9) organize your own business

Well, after that, you can already part with your husband. If you want to do it by then.

(I don’t remember all this. I only remember the general impression that I already wrote about. And, of course, it was clear that she knew the value of her appearance and was sure that any man would be hers, if she only wanted to. But I acted according to the method "Purposeful modeling of emotions". I want to describe the technique, but a little lower. - M.L.)

How did events develop? Just like they are in the book.

What happened?

Difficulties in mastering a profession - jumps in work.

Sex spree and second marriage. The marriage was successful and stormy at first, since there was a common cause, and a common worldview, and common thoughts, and everything in common. Delight in sex. The delight of amazing physical intimacy, which never happened until the age of 28. Complete stupidity and illiteracy in the field of sex. The "lack of orgasm" suddenly ended, and it turned out that the heroine was polyorgasmic. And many thanks to the first husband for putting on her this sex inferiority complex, which she was able to overcome.

The end of the second marriage: "deeds disperse - the bodies disperse." Interests diverged. The second husband tried to manipulate in order to reserve the right to "return" everything if he wanted to. Exposing his game through correct behavior and skills of analysis and introspection. As a result, the worries subsided within two months (unlike the first divorce, when it took 8 years), and cooperation in business continues to this day. There are symptoms for a break in business, but the heroine is ready for this and will endure. (While the book was being edited, there was a final business section with the second husband. - M.L.)

Building relationships with parents. From burning hatred and scandals - to understanding, sympathy with a clear fence and respect for one's interests. From the visible side, relations have become warm. And in fact it is the same.

The magnificent plot of the parental gambit, which is given in the book by M.E. Litvak, Psychological Gambits and Combinations. And I'm just proud of this plot (its decision and execution). Why? Because at first the father of the child tried to take away the daughter. Scandals, fights, trials, exhortations, truces - and a continuous waste of energy without effect. Then the heroine of her own free will gave her daughter to him for upbringing. Her anguish and fears that she would finally lose her. Two years of daughter's unwillingness to communicate with her. Resignation to the fact that as a mother the heroine did not take place. The birth of a change in their relationship three years later. Six years later (just super!) the daughter blackmails her father that she will go to live with her mother. And this chapter of Life has not yet been completed, since the daughter is growing up and the desired result (that is, obtaining an independent and independent person) has not yet been achieved. But the heroine clearly knows “the growth period and the rules for watering and fertilizing this tomato”, fulfills them (although with some breakdowns and kickbacks, and then correcting mistakes) and is simply sure that everything will be as it should. It is necessary for Life, and it is necessary for her.

Huge disruption at work, described by Karen Horney, which is beautifully illustrated by the real fears of the heroine when doing ANY work. Especially when starting your own business. Fear of taking responsibility and carrying it. Low self-esteem and endless fears, fears, fears ... At the same time, she was a coward, but she did it. She was cowardly, but she did it. I made mistakes, sobbed, corrected mistakes and made mistakes again. And I didn't believe in myself. Until there is a qualitative leap - the transition of quantity into quality.

And this transition took place for two reasons. Firstly, the proper amount of skills – professional and managerial – has been accumulated. Accumulated resistance to the "vicissitudes of fate." Most importantly, the heroine has achieved financial independence, not only personal, but also in doing business. There is a certain wide popularity in narrow circles. There is a new beautiful car, an apartment, a reserve in case of a “hungry” year. There is a clear understanding of the market, business and working methods in the development of your business. There is a mad love for her own profession and a FEELING, as A. Maslow says, that her work is “the most important thing in the world.” And she does it professionally, that is, with a clear understanding of what she can and cannot do. Cannot AT ALL, according to the conditions, or YET has not developed certain qualities. Secondly, there is a reason for internal stability and external success. This is Love. It is love from her point of view. I will give a large block from E. Fromm with his work “The Art of Loving” - where he talks magnificently about what love is, what it should be and how to learn it.

(The Cowardly Lioness has now actually told you a summary of the entire book, speaking of herself in the third person. But the details are interesting here. Therefore, I think, my dear readers, you will continue to read this book. After all, the most important thing in the book is the details . - M.L.)

Chapter 1

The appearance of a psychotherapist. Meeting with M.E.

ALL. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS

WHAT TO DO???

HUMILIATION

DEPRECIATION

HOPELESSNESS…

Another current hopeless day. March 1998 Way out of the impasse

Thoughts about Bogdan and his incomprehensibly gone life do not give rest. Started smoking. Internal anxiety pushes for no matter what actions. As long as they lead somewhere. And they brought me to an appointment at the student clinic of our medical institute. To some aunt-gynecologist. Complained about the lack of orgasm. And she told me that they have such a Litvak in the medical institute. I made an appointment with him. I sat in line for three and a half hours, listening to the story of a woman about the nuances of her menopause. And she entered the office. An ordinary medical school office with shabby furniture and a large window. A man with lush gray hair was sitting at the table and seemed to be giggling all the time. It looks like it's over me. I don't remember if I mentioned my ill-fated orgasm. But violently and with tears she laid out her "great tragedy" on the topic "my husband is a bastard." I remember very well my reaction to his reaction. I got used to the fact that my listeners in the face of my girlfriends sympathized with me and were indignant about Bogdan. All. But ... Mikhail Efimovich openly laughed. And ... no sympathy for my "unfortunate" fate. Everything in his speech was clear and concrete. I clearly remember his phrase: “What is the difference between comedy and tragedy - you know? Comedy is what the neighbor has, and tragedy is what I have myself. I was very surprised. One complete surprise, and somewhere very far away the thought: well, at least one of them normally assessed the situation. (This is one of the methods of the “Purposeful Modeling of Emotions” technique developed by me. First you need to cause surprise. Surprise is the beginning of all cognition. During surprise, the background anxiety and depressive symptoms are erased. Thinking begins to work. The condition immediately improves, because when thinking works, in endorphins are released from the blood.-ML) He sent me to read (I without much thought bought all his books published at that time in the amount of four pieces) and invited me to classes in a group on psychological aikido. Then he spent them on the territory of the medical institute in a course of 8 lessons.

And… it started. At first I took one course. Then she repeated. And then a group on oratory was organized, where we were engaged not only in oratory. Now I suddenly asked myself the question: why did I continue to walk? Yes, because I simply did not know how else to improve my life. In one moment, everything suddenly collapsed. A husband, a small child, unbearable relatives, the search for a new job and a piece of bread, the threat of being left without an apartment and (God forbid - I could only imagine this in a nightmare) to return to my mother and grandmother in Shakhty. In a word, my then world looked like this: everyone around was bastards, I was swell. But no one sees or understands this.

Read and you get back a little from what the Cowardly Lioness read.

Scientific commentary "Purposeful modeling of emotions"

Basic principles

Once I conducted classes with candidates for deputies. I was given the last word. The meeting had been going on for four hours. Sometimes candidates for deputies went on shouting and mutual insults. Everyone was very tired and looked at me like an enemy. I began my speech thus: “Dear comrades! I am in a unique situation. Usually at the meeting there is one candidate for deputy and 100-150 voters. Now there are 178 candidates for deputies and one voter - me. I must say that I would not choose any of you, at least from those who spoke here. There was immediately dead silence. I spoke for about an hour and a half. They greeted me with applause.

Quite often, after surprise, interest arises, and then you can continue contact and resolve specific issues, which will bring joy (satisfaction) to your communication partner. Many in the course of purposeful modeling of emotions make one fundamental mistake: they try to immediately arouse their disposition, and sometimes even become an idol, like them the first time. It's very dangerous, you can't stand on tiptoe for long. After a while, they will be disappointed in you (remember that people quickly get used to good things). For interest, it is sometimes advisable to arouse anger in a partner. Recall that anger keeps a person in the present and stimulates thinking and strength.

How to do it? The simplest and safest method is to disagree with some of his arguments, to express the exact opposite opinion, in general, to “prick” him. Here, be careful and do not bring your partner to such a state that he will rush at you with his fists. It is very easy to remove anger - agree with a partner (this is the principle of depreciation, which is described in detail in "Psychological Aikido"). The partner will have a feeling of victory over you, which will cause him a feeling of joy. He will become condescending and in some way give way to you when solving certain issues. In addition, joy contributes to rest, recuperation.

Interest and joy can change places. If you need your partner to work, the main focus should be on maintaining a sustainable interest. As soon as it falls, boredom develops. At its first signs, it is necessary to start a new cycle according to the scheme proposed above.

Further you can not read if the principle is clear to you. And here I surprised the Cowardly Lioness. All her girlfriends and acquaintances, when they listened to her story, groaned, gasped, sympathized, cried with her, and I suddenly laughed. Of course, this surprised and outraged her. And surprise erases all the background negative emotionality. She considered. And she had complete order with her thinking. Still, she graduated from the complex technical faculty of a prestigious institute. She only used her mind to her own detriment. In our system, "fool" is a compliment. This is a smart person who cannot use his mind. For example, in order to succeed, you need a mind, a person earned money, and then spent it all on an unnecessary banquet, inviting everyone around him to it, and spending all the money he earned. And this is nonsense. There is a lot of mind, but there is no mind. That's why fools are happy. They can't do big stupid things - they don't have enough mind! In fact, the main thing is not to win. Many can do it. The main thing is to be able to take advantage of the results of victory. The cowardly Lioness could not use the results of her victories. She doesn’t need to add mind, but she didn’t bother learning how to use it. Failure to use your mind leads to great grief.

So, examples of using the technique of purposeful modeling of emotions.

Clinical practice

O., an interesting woman, 42 years old, who has been ill for about three years, came to see me. Symptoms developed during a long illness of the mother-in-law, whom she had to take care of for a long time. The death of the mother-in-law led to a deterioration in the condition. O. became depressed, cried a lot, and there were unpleasant sensations in the region of the heart. Initially, she was seen by a general practitioner, then by a neurologist, and last year by a psychiatrist. Almost everything was used: tranquilizers, restorative therapy, autogenic training, hypnosis, rational psychotherapy with elements of comfort, etc.

O. came in in tears and handed me two sheets of notebook paper with a list of drugs.

ABOUT.: Here's what I've already taken. No one will cure me, and you will not cure me!

I: And I won't cure you.

There was a pause. The patient stopped crying. Surprise appeared on his face, and then anger.

ABOUT.: How can you not cure it?

I(calmly): And how can I cure if you are convinced that you cannot be cured? In addition, the appointments were made correctly, and I am no different from those doctors who treated you before.

ABOUT. (calming down a bit): And they said that you can treat such diseases.

I: Yes, sometimes it works if the patient is active during the treatment and trusts me.

ABOUT. (somewhat tense): So what, you refuse to treat me?

I: Yes, because you don't believe me. You'd better find a doctor you trust. I can help you with this. I have certain connections in the medical world. Tell me the doctor's name and I'll put you in touch with him.

ABOUT. (still tense, but with some interest): Doctor, can we still try?

I: You can also try. All you need is your activity.

ABOUT. (with relief and enthusiasm) A: I will follow all your instructions.

I: And this is exactly what you shouldn't do.

ABOUT. (surprised but interested): And how to be treated?

I: We will work together. From my recommendations, you will choose those that you like and understand. First of all, we must understand the mechanism of your disease.

Further conversation aroused great interest in the patient. When it was possible to determine the true cause of the disease (tense relations with her husband and with her husband's first wife, with whom they worked together and who mocked her), the opportunity to correct the situation appeared, her mood became elated.

And here is a variant of the introductory conversation in group therapy.

I: Why are you here?

A.: To recover from neurosis.

I: It is clear. Why am I here?

B.: To heal us.

I: Of course, for this. And for what else? What is my main goal?

Sick (bewildered): Which?

I: Think for yourself. Two or three days ago I didn't even know you existed. I have my own tasks in life related to family, work, etc.

Tension builds in the group. Angry voices are heard.

IN. (angrily): So why did you undertake to treat us if you are busy with your tasks?

I: The fact is that I can solve these problems only if I manage to achieve your quick and lasting recovery. This is the only way for me, since I don’t know how to do anything else sensibly. Therefore, I will try to cure you as best as possible, but not for you, but for my own sake.

G.: So you don't like sick people?

I (firmly) A: No, I can't stand it. Why love you? Constant complaints, pestering. Another thing is when you get better! Then it will be very interesting for me with you, because neuroses are most often affected by people with abilities above the average level. And I try to get rid of the sick as soon as possible. (Among the sick, there is a revival.)

D.: How?

I: Well, heal, of course.

E.: And if it doesn't work?

I: Then I kill them. I can't afford to ruin my numbers.

The patients laugh.

Z.: And how do you kill them?

I: Well, it's a company secret.

After the laughter subsides, a lively interest arises in the group. In the course of the discussion, the position becomes clear that personal interests are inseparable from public ones, that they can be solved only by productively interacting with their partners, and that this needs to be learned.

Some of my readers meet this piece with great indignation. They are convinced that the doctor must die with each patient and work without regard to his personal interests. This is an expensive pleasure if a doctor who needs to be trained for 20 years will die with each patient or suffer from his illnesses.

And one more example of purposeful modeling of emotions in the practice of group psychotherapy.

In role-playing training, patients and the doctor choose certain roles for themselves. The doctor is usually the sun or the moon (so that it is impossible to involve him in the game, but he could warm, illuminate). Somehow, a task was given in the group: to go on a long journey on a ship and behave in accordance with the chosen role. When they invited me to the ship (it was the table in the office), I refused, referring to my role. Then one of the patients told me, since I am the sun, to climb on the closet, which I did. From the closet, I controlled the game.

This group included T., a 55-year-old mathematics teacher. She got sick about a year ago. The cause of the disease was a family conflict: the husband brought another wife, and for a year they lived together. After an acute shock, T. became depressed, the nights turned into torture due to persistent insomnia, during which thoughts of a failed life climbed into her head: “I devoted myself to work and my husband. The result is black ingratitude."

In the clinic, T.'s condition improved. Before leaving, I asked her to tell me how her recovery had progressed.

Listen to her story.

“The first three days in the clinic I looked around. During the day I was somehow distracted, as at home, but the nights were painful. The first lesson in the group stunned me. When the game began and the patients climbed on the table, some under the table, I had the idea that everyone here is crazy, and I'm the only normal one. But when you climbed on the closet, I thought that of all the patients, the most difficult one was my attending physician. They say all psychiatrists are nuts. (By the way, among psychiatrists I am listed as crazy. But quietly crazy. Therefore, no one isolated me. - M.L.) When I went to bed, all these thoughts were spinning in my head. I was surprised, indignant at the clinic's rules, but at the same time I was a little glad that it was normal ... At the same time, I was worried that it was at night. And for my own safety, I decided not to sleep at night. And ... she herself did not notice how she fell asleep. (The action of the sperm principle. Previously, she tried to sleep, and she did not succeed. Now, when she tried not to sleep, she did not notice how she fell asleep. There is a strictly scientific name for this technique - a paradoxical intention. If you understand it better, then you can use this term. - M.L.) Then, of course, I figured everything out, and I became sad. I realized that this is not how I lived my life. Why weren't we given the right upbringing? My God, what nonsense I told my students! But now, if they don't send me into retirement, I can work for real. And I had to leave my husband three days after the wedding!”

Such a case does not need comments. Surprise, which at first arose in the patient, distracted her from painful experiences. After the group session, anger and joy arose, creating optimal conditions for the subsequent development of interest. Against the background of this emotion, there was an assimilation of psychotherapeutic material and a change in attitude towards oneself and others, which ultimately led to recovery.

Teaching practice

I don’t know how teachers are trained for the school, but pedagogy is not taught at the medical institute. A graduate student or a doctor involved in pedagogical work will sit in several classes with experienced teachers, and then begin to conduct classes himself. And quite often the latter turn into hard labor for him. Many teachers say they get nervous before every lecture, which is very bad. You can not do everyday work with a lot of stress.

I started teaching at a university at the age of 42. The work began to bring joy when I decided to use psychotherapy techniques in the pedagogical process. I even developed such a criterion: if I was tired of the lesson, then I did it poorly, the students were also tired and learned practically nothing, and vice versa, if after the lesson I feel rested, vigorous, then I did the lesson well, the students were not tired of the classes and the digestibility of the material is high.

When you teach classes, first of all you need to know how you look in the eyes of a student. In addition, it is important to evaluate yourself objectively. The student in his own eyes is an academic. In the fifth year, this status becomes somewhat lower, but still remains significantly higher than mine ... In his eyes, I am an old gray-haired monkey, who is still just a candidate of science, pulling his strap, barely providing for his family. Besides, from his point of view, he can do without my subject. Understanding all this, I must treat my listeners with respect, much more than they treat me.

So, a group of fifth-year students comes to psychotherapy classes for the first time. Now I will offer you two options for an introductory conversation, and you decide which one is better.

I option

- Dear Colleagues! Psychotherapy begins to study in the fifth year is not accidental. Psychiatry is the most difficult science. To learn it, a long preliminary preparation is necessary, but often it does not help much in mastering the subject. Yes, our patients are special. If you walk past someone laughing, they may think you are laughing at them and act aggressively. If you look sad, he will imagine that things are very bad for him, and after you leave, he may commit suicide. In addition, our specialists use their own terminology, which is different from others, and it is difficult for us to successfully pass the exam, etc., etc.

II option

- Dear Colleagues! I am glad to welcome you to our department. There are rumors going around the institute that psychiatry is a difficult science. Now, don't believe it. Of course, it has its own characteristics, its own terminology. But, I assure you, it was much more difficult to master anatomy in the first year. But you successfully passed it! The peculiarity of our science lies in the fact that here it is not necessary to strain the memory, but one should use thinking. And with him you are all right, since you have reached the fifth year. Now let's try to consider one psychopathological condition. The patient sees monsters that do not actually exist and threaten him. This symptom is called visual hallucinations. Put yourself in the place of the patient and imagine that you are really being persecuted. What feelings will you have?

Student: Fear.

Teacher: What will you do?

Students: Run away, perhaps?

Teacher: Right. It remains to give a name to this symptom: "psychomotor agitation." Can you convince the patient that there are no monsters in reality? Can I convince you that there is no table here if you can see it?

Students: Of course not! Now it is clear! The patient will assume that the monsters really exist.

Teacher: But this is an error of judgment, absurd in content and disorganizing behavior. Such an idea is called nonsense. But will such a patient notice what is happening around?

Students: No.

Teacher: You described another symptom - "disorientation in the environment." Now let's sum up. Now, without preparation, you have figured out one of the most complex psychopathological conditions, which is called "delirium"!

Yes, dear reader, the second option is better. Indeed, in the first version, the teacher intimidated students and exalted himself. In the second, thinking is actively stimulated, as a result of which interest arises. Attention is usually not scattered. The lesson immediately becomes problematic, students seem to make a discovery themselves, while experiencing a sense of joy.

Organizational process

At the Faculty of Postgraduate Medical Education, purposeful modeling of emotions helps us both organize the pedagogical process and maintain discipline throughout the cycle.

Previously, our introductory conversation had something like this: “Dear colleagues! You came here in order to replenish your knowledge, and then even more effectively treat the sick and thereby contribute to the prosperity of our Motherland ... Our department is quite capable ... ”While we were saying these general phrases, the attention of the listeners slipped away, their souls ended up in another place. When we began to talk about the content of the program, most of the listeners were already in a psychological dream, that is, they did not live "here and now", but were mentally in the past or future.

Our conversation now proceeds as follows.

Teacher: Why are we here?

A.: In order to replenish knowledge, and then it is better to treat the sick.

Teacher(boring tone): No, it's not interesting. We will not be able to work successfully if we do not find the only goal that will unite us all.

B. (with mild annoyance): Well, why else?

Teacher: Think!

On the faces of the cadets - surprise and bewilderment.

Teacher: Every leader must remember that it is possible to successfully manage only such a team where all its members have a common goal. So, the common goal that unites all of us is to get paper. You are interested in receiving it, and we are interested in issuing it.

B.: No, we are not like that, we came for knowledge! (these are representatives of the careerist group).

Teacher: Right. As for you, you have come for knowledge. But don't vouch for everyone. Many, perhaps, know the subject as well as we do, and it is possible that they are better, but a piece of paper is needed to further advance the certification. (You can see how the cultural and entertainment group relaxes.) So they came for her, and at the same time a little rest.

Cadets(almost in unison): No, we came for knowledge! We heard a lot of good things about your department!

Teacher: OK. Let's do an experiment. We will give you knowledge, but no certificate. Hands up who's left.

There is laughter in the audience, then silence is restored.

Teacher: We will try to organize our pedagogical process in such a way that only those who master the knowledge can receive a certificate. (A few more people suddenly jumped in.) We already understand that these are representatives of the alcohol-sexual group.

By the way, at the same time it becomes clear who came to us for knowledge (careerists), who just to relax (cultural and entertainment group), and who belongs to the alcohol-sexual group. They still do not know each other, but it is already clear to us who will have sex with whom.

The manager needs to have reliable information not only about production indicators or performance indicators, but also about the psychological climate in the team. Unfortunately, many use the services of informers. This is very dangerous, because even a conscientious informant sets out his point of view. In addition, whistleblowers are quickly exposed and given misinformation to pass on to them.

One unit commander, having undergone special training with us, learned to obtain objective information without resorting to the help of informants. In an informal setting, he talks with several military personnel. He says something like this: “I am very pleased to come to you. You are so friendly, no one is stalking anyone, promote any officer at least now ... ”Here you can’t spoil the porridge with butter. In five or ten minutes he already has complete information. At the same time, the participants in the conversation do not even notice that they themselves told about everything and not so much in words as in facial expressions. After two or three such conversations, the commander gets a fairly objective idea of the affairs and relationships in his unit.

Of course, it is better to invite a psychologist to the team for this purpose, but if this is not possible, such a technique will do. The process of modeling emotions here needs no explanation.

sports work

Boredom lies in wait for an athlete when he has to train endurance, tediously winding kilometers on an exercise bike. In addition, some physiological parameters are violated in him.

To avoid this, Professor L.I. Kalinkin used the idea of purposeful modeling of emotions. Here's what it looked like in practice.

A monitor was connected to the exercise bike. The cyclist began to pedal. The speed gradually increased, and an indistinct silhouette of a girl appeared on the monitor. The cyclist pedaled faster, and the details were drawn. The intensity of the movements increased, and the image became very clear. Upon reaching a very high speed, the girl began to undress. If at this time the cyclist stopped pedaling, the girl disappeared. When the pedals started spinning again, the cycle was repeated.

Modeling of emotions here began with interest, which helped to maintain a high level of performance for quite a long time. In addition, with this technique, blood pressure, pulse rate and respiration did not reach such high levels that were noted in a regular workout.

Public speaking (specially for politicians and trade workers)

I have been leading the school of oratory for twenty years, and following Euripides I say:

Oh mortals, we are all other sciences

Trying to study so hard

And speech, the only queen of the world,

Are we forgetting? Here's who to serve

Should all, for a fee dear

Bringing teachers together so that the secret of the word

Knowing, persuading, winning.

Oratory was highly valued in the ancient world during the heyday of democracy and was aimed at persuading the audience (interlocutor) to their point of view. Under autocratic regimes, oratory is usually in the fold, since there is already an indication from above and the audience (interlocutor) does not decide anything. If democracy wins in our country, without the ability speak and persuade it will be difficult for politicians to count on achieving the goal. Therefore, this section is worth reading for those who are convinced that democracy will win.

Cicero believed that the speaker should teach the listener, give him pleasure and lead him. If there is nothing to teach, then there is nothing to perform. To give pleasure is an honor given to the listener. If I don't care about it, then I don't respect my listener. To lead the listener with you means to infect him with your idea. Those who do not fulfill these conditions must not take the podium.

But as A.P. Chekhov (unfortunately, this is also typical of our days), “Our oratory is in a perfect pen ... We have stutterers and whisperers sitting in our departments, who harass their listeners and in the end arouse complete disgust for science. We are people without passion boring(hereinafter it is highlighted by me. - M.L.). We do not pursue pleasures, and therefore we are not in the least worried that we, indifferent to oratory, deprive ourselves of one of the highest and noblest pleasures available to man. Perhaps someday we will wait until our lawyers, professors, and officials in general, who are obliged by their service to speak beautifully, will not justify themselves by saying that they "do not know how" to speak. In fact, for an intelligent person to speak badly would be considered as indecent as not being able to read and write.

Many, wanting to make their speech emotional, switch to a monotonous cry, to which you quickly get used and stop listening. Only a constant game, modeling of emotions make the speaker's speech successful. In this regard, I will highlight a few points.

Beginning of speech. Do not start talking until there is complete silence. Avoid common phrases. If you are speaking in front of this audience for the first time and you are not known here, first of all introduce yourself. You can tell something interesting about yourself and about the topic of the speech. Thus, it is easy to arouse both surprise and interest.

Pause. Shut up when there is a general buzz in the audience. Remember S. Maugham: if you take a break, keep it as long as possible.

Presentation style. The best thing to do is to talk to the audience. Think about how you talk to your close friends. Speak simply, keep sentences short and few foreign words. There should be only two purely oratory techniques: questions and metaphors. Questions will help pique the interest of the audience. After a short pause, if no one from the audience answers, answer yourself. This book is based on my lectures. The attentive reader will notice that there are a lot of questions in it. Is not it?

If the listeners begin to respond to you, the presentation may turn into a dialogue. If necessary, use Socratic dialogue, in which the partner is asked such questions, to which he will give affirmative answers. Getting used to agreeing with you, the partner will accept your point of view, with which he previously did not agree.

I'll give you an example.

A senator came to Socrates (in our opinion, a deputy of the Duma) and asked for advice on how to compose a speech that he wanted to deliver in the Senate. The conversation went like this:

Socrates: After all, you do not understand the issue that will be discussed. Is not it?

Senator: Yes.

Socrates: If you ask an expert about a thing in which he understands, then he will give you the right advice. Is not it?

Senator: Yes, by Zeus, you're right.

Socrates: And the other expert, if he is an expert, will he not advise the same?

Senator: Yes, the same.

Socrates: So if none of you here is an expert, how can you confer?

Senator: Yes, it's really difficult. So what to do?

Socrates: Listen to one expert and disperse. But to come together in order to listen to the ignorant, as if there were some sense in it, isn't it strange?

Senator: Yes, you are right. Well, what if we do get together?

Socrates: Don't you think that your gathering will be a gathering of helpless people in need of advisers, and the votes will be given as if you do not need advisers, but could advise and decide for yourself?

Senator: Yes, you are probably right.

Socrates: So if none of you understand this issue, then what will be the use of your vote?

Senator: So I won't show up at all.

You see, in the course of this short dialogue, Socrates convinced the senator not to speak at all.

Working with the unconscious. Since the source of emotions is our unconscious, the speaker needs to know how his speech affects the unconscious of his partner. This is the essence of the mystery of the word. If I say to the interlocutor: “You know, I have joy, I have reconciled with my wife!” - a number of facts are introduced into his unconscious. Well, for example, the fact that I have a wife and I quarreled with her, and I depend on her. Although in fact I can be single. In addition, you can enter into the unconscious of your partner the information that you tried to hide. The unconscious is always penetrated by what concerns the instincts of man. And if you are dealing with a well-fed and protected person, the most interesting topic for him will be sex. In a public speech, you should not talk much about him. But there are two analogues of sex: money and scandal. Z. Freud said that people treat money like sex - they want to have as much as possible, but they are embarrassed to talk about it. I have already written about the scandal, which is analogous to sex, in Psychological Aikido.

Once, during a class, I took my keys out of my pocket and turned to my audience: “Look, what an outrage! Bought a leather coat two weeks ago. And here, on you! A week later there is a hole in my pocket. Really this notch could not be sharpened, but this one ... ”And so for about five minutes. They listened to me with great attention. When I asked: "Why are you listening to me, because I'm talking nonsense?" – all laughed. Why did they listen to me with interest? An expensive item has gone bad. Probably, I had or will have a conflict with my wife. In the next session, three people reported that they had bought security key rings, which came as a surprise to me. But then I realized that this is a pattern that can be used in advertising. Here is one of the most successful advertisements for my lectures:

HERE TO KILL WITH BOREDOM!

COME TO WHOM TIRED OF LIVING!

BUT IF YOU STILL DON'T DIE WITH US, YOUR RELATED PEOPLE AND EMPLOYEES WILL SEE YOU GOOD PEOPLE.

Sometimes a story about a scandal is appropriate.

For example, at one rather boring academic lecture, I drew the attention of the audience to the portraits of two scientists: “Look how peacefully A. and B. coexist on the wall, but in life they were in conflict with each other, which was associated with the discovery of P.A. said that P. is ... and at the same time insulted B. The latter argued the opposite. In the end he was right, but insults could have been avoided.”

So, my dear reader, whether you like it or not, you always evoke certain feelings (emotions) in your communication partner. So isn't it better to do it purposefully?

But back to the story of the Cowardly Lioness. – M.L.

Dead end analysis. Or deepening the effects of sideways growth. March 1998

After the hospital and caesarean section, I returned home. A month and a half after the operation, I hardly walked. This moment does not agree well with my physical health and the correct structure of the body. I have the figure of a woman who, according to all the rules, should give birth easily. Apparently, the long-rooted fear of childbirth, taken from my mother's stories, had an effect. For as long as I can remember, she told me how hard I gave herself to her and that she had a clinical death during childbirth, that giving birth to children is simply terrible. (By the way, they say the same thing to students at the medical school. The most severe pain is toothache, ear pain and during childbirth. I don’t argue about the first two, but the pain during childbirth is largely suggested. Childbirth is a natural process. It should be accompanied by an orgasm if the woman in labor prepared physically and psychologically. And such cases happen. This is exactly the norm, and not what is generally accepted. Everyone gets measles, but this is not the norm! My dear readers, prepare for childbirth properly. Then pregnancy and childbirth will be the happiest in of your life. I already have statistically reliable facts. Remember that back in the 19th century your great-great-grandmothers gave birth right in the field during the harvest. Yes, and during pregnancy they worked a lot and did not lie in the maternity hospital to preserve the fetus. - M.L .)

When I was in the hospital, Bogdan showed miracles of care. He came three times a day, cooked himself, found medicines, made repairs in the apartment before leaving the maternity hospital. In general, I hoped that our relationship improved. I really expected support from him, but instead he began to twitch, strange calls began to be heard, an incomprehensible night work arose, and he did not want to look me in the eyes.

I asked the question directly. The consciousness that he was lying always belittled him in his own eyes, and he always tried to use me as a confessor, mommy, dumping all his own, sorry, slop into me like a bucket, so he did not limit himself to simply answering: “Yes, you you see everything right, ”and told amazing details, while asking me questions like:“ How long have you been having sex for four hours in a row? I silently, without a single tear, listened to all this, right up to the final conclusion: “Galya, home is one thing for me, but I can’t live without that second life. I tried to cope. I envy those men who do not have this disease. Specific objects do not matter to me, if I feel that I am starting to fall in love, then I tear it up. I am strong. But you will have to put up with this state of affairs.

(Here you have family happiness! It is known that animals do not get sick with neurosis. I want to tell you one anecdote with a beard. Armenian radio is asked if dogs can get neurosis? ", in prehistoric times, when people still did not speak, could they tell such a thing to their wife, even if they were in the process of hunting somewhere and had sex with another woman? Of course not! I want to remind you that speech is a tool of production. And it was born in the process of production (hunting).So it should be used mainly in production.After all, cars were invented in order to transport us and goods quickly and over long distances.True, we now use cars for the purpose of entertainment "So there are much more accidents in these cases. I think that our ancestors arranged their love-erotic affairs well even when speech had not yet been invented. I am not against love conversations. But you need to learn this on purpose." The husband of the Cowardly Lioness did not think well when he said such things to her, and even in a situation where she was helpless. That is why I recommend that our girls get married only when they have achieved complete financial independence. If the Cowardly Lioness were completely financially independent, then she would not have any special experiences. I would quietly collect my things and go to my apartment. But then she did not know how to earn a living for herself and her child. And for women, I came up with an aphorism: “Earn a lot - you will sleep with whoever you want, and if you can’t earn money, you will sleep with whom you have to.” - M.L.)

At that moment, I looked at him not as a sadist, but as a small child who does what he wants, without thinking at all about what it could result in, without thinking that he is sawing the branch on which he sits. I replied that, of course, it hurts me a lot, but to some extent I understand him. Only as an adult, he must foresee that I will lack male attention, and I will have to fill this gap with the help of other men. His face changed, and he firmly replied that he did not know if he would need such a family. After that, a complete nightmare began.

(I know that many women humbly endure such a nightmare, find their own reasons, justifying their walking husband, humbly accepting all his betrayals. And there is no nightmare. Cowardice is superficial, but later we will see how this cowardice spoiled her life. If she were a rabbit, then her life would have been easier. If she had at least our training, then she resigned herself for a while and would begin to prepare herself for material independence, or would not tell her husband that she would also get men, but simply would start them. came to see me and got acquainted with the principle of depreciation. - M.L.)

In parallel, he tried to fulfill all those formalities that the concept of "husband" implies. He went grocery shopping, went to the doctor, looking at his watch at that time - if he was late for another deal or a love date. I realized that if I now accept the situation, then this will only be a step on the path of humiliation - an endless path. In the end, I could not stand it and asked him to live with me apart for two months - until I calmed down. (Well done! She resisted and didn’t make a scandal. It’s a pity that she didn’t immediately come to me for a consultation. It’s a pity that she didn’t last until the end. But read on. - M.L.) The first month (although from time to time he visited) seemed me a vacation. I breathed deeply. She did what she wanted. I entered accounting courses, went to classes in psychology, invited guests home (total at that time), read, mostly psychological literature. Walked a lot. In a word, I was myself, especially since the nanny helped with my daughter, and I was able to get rid of the “help” of relatives.

Those rare meetings that happened to my husband plunged him into deep surprise: what happened to me that I changed so much, because he was still worried.

THOUGHT: as it seems to me now, I then played with him in a divorce, not completely believing that we would part. Thus, I tried to show him that I was fine without him.

Arranged for myself and the child a trip to Israel, not taking into account his objections. I was invited by our common friend with her husband, whom we met as students. He moved there with his parents and wife. He heard a lot about my family troubles and, as a remedy, offered to come to visit him and his family, which I did with great pleasure. But with the return home, the vacation was over. The deadline was expiring, and I was waiting for a return to formal cohabitation. Against this background, I was thinking about work all the time. She developed several directions in which she moved in building a career.

Bogdan asked my friends if I was going to return from a trip to Israel. And before the trip there were several calls in the evening. Intercity. I pick up the phone - silence. I took it as a control. It was just then, when he, surprised at my calmness, experienced himself. But on the very first evening of the return, there was a terrible quarrel with mutual accusations. The words that he hates me, I still endured. But when he started talking about love, I attacked him with my fists. He did not resist, and I withdrew my soul so that two of my fingers were bruised. (The Lioness got out again. Physically, he was much stronger than her. But you can’t master the depreciation technique right away. That’s why I didn’t scold her. - M.L.)

Here are his accusations: Bogdan regarded my request for a two-month separation as the fact that I kicked him out. He was very nervous about the questions of others on this topic. Turns out I broke it. Yes, he had a big flaw with which he struggled all the time. But I did not understand this and crossed out everything that was good. He loved me all the time, and I laughed at him. He had a dear man who understood him, no matter what nonsense he soaked, and now this is not. He yearns for home, but now he does not see his place here. Now the love is gone, only emptiness remains. We probably never understood each other. I am a holiday woman, and sometimes he just wanted borscht. The care that he saw from his mother, he never received from me. Perhaps we will remain friends, perhaps lovers. To this tirade, I replied: "If you want, so be it." (This happens quite often. I remember one case. He broke up with Her and began to live with Another, but She warned Her not to cheat on Him. If He doesn’t succeed with Another, He will return to Her. This is a feature of a neurotic nature. He may love, he may not love, but he must be loved. Moreover, neurotics are convinced that those whom they abandoned continue to love and suffer. Therefore, they are very surprised at the calmness of those whom they abandoned. We observed the same thing in husband of the Cowardly Lioness. He blames her. Well, read on. - M.L.)

HE: How can you say that? You drive me into a corner with your “if it’s difficult, call me”. After you said nasty things to me, I had an accident and almost crashed (it was he who remembered the previous scandal)! But I can't stay in the corner for long. I also put everything on the shelves for myself. ”

THOUGHT: it's also a game on his part. He speaks with the aim that I refute and want to return everything.

Now I clearly see that then the only right way out for me was to leave in order to learn independence. And how lucky that at that moment he had a woman, and I was able to seem like a victim! (By and large, the Cowardly Lioness is right. She would not have endured such a life. They would still have parted, but she would have been more exhausted.

I could not formulate it in words, because at that time I was not able to resist him.

It's amazing, while I was remembering nasty things, only rabies possessed me. Then I remembered the hostel: he was writing my diploma when I had a terrible exacerbation of eczema for two months, such that he washed and combed my hair, because I couldn’t do anything with my hands and lay at night with a temperature of 38.5 °. How we moved into a new apartment, not yet fully paid off. The guests stayed with us for months (a bad trend), and we locked ourselves in the bedroom, where the bed was a door with an old mattress, and read a book to each other in an embrace. And on New Year's Eve, they ran away from the guests and sculpted a snowman in the park from sticky snow in half with mud. And I had a feeling that these minutes would soon end, because it could not be so good for a long time. For some reason, I don't remember sex. Maybe because it allowed me to develop a bunch of complexes, or maybe because he was more like a reliable wall and protection that could solve all problems, that is, he was a daddy for me.

This has become a dead end for me. But how to live differently, I did not know and began to look for a way out. The search for a path turned out to be very difficult and long, but, as I now understand, the only possible one. This path is the path of changing the structure of my personality, a path that even now I have not gone through to the end. But I stand on it, and this is the key to success.

Chapter 2

THOUGHT: My God! Today, in 2008, I am writing these lines, reading eight-year-old diaries and laughing! The situation is ridiculous! And at the same time, I perfectly remember my feelings of fear and hopelessness, my inability to communicate with the chief accountant and my terrible emotional state at the same time. She was unprofessional both as a manager and as an accountant, she was afraid to make any mistake herself, she was afraid of responsibility for these mistakes, so at every opportunity she unconsciously tried to blame me. I played with her with success. When I was about to change jobs, she threw a tantrum about the fact that she could not cope with a new person. I myself was afraid of responsibility and was afraid that I would make a mistake if I quit. It's better to have them bully me. Psychological masochist. This went on for a year and a half.

So, after parting with Bogdan, life demanded active work from me, so that in the end I could feed myself and my daughter, although the ex-husband never refused money for the first years. We must give him his due.

04/02/1999. After a fight

Very hard. The work environment is almost unbearable. Lately I've been thinking about some regularity in my life. Either I come across too unbearable “simulators” (I mean people), or I myself behave incorrectly. But if the second, then the next effort on yourself will already be above the norm. I'm at my limit right now.

Specifically. During the week, the relationship between me and the chief accountant heated up. When it became hard for me to bear her nit-picking, I exploded. She began to sob. I calmed her down. And only after that it was possible to work.

My ignorance in accounting and her incompetence and ambition led to conflict situations on every occasion. There was fierce resistance on my part and no less fierce irritation on hers. But she is the boss, and I don't really like to obey. (Nature takes its toll. Cowardice, instilled in childhood, cannot pacify the lion's essence. Therefore, it was difficult for her to master the techniques of aikido. Still, people of a more timid plan master them more easily. But when a choleric person masters these techniques, he has no price. Hot temper disappears , there remains the speed of decision-making. - M.L.)

She constantly harassed me with her questions and nit-picking. Of course, there are no trifles in the work of an accountant. But when there is not enough time for the main thing, then there is no need to catch fleas. Then she found that I had not registered someone's letter, then it turned out that I mixed up two suppliers with the same names and different locations.

In the end, I break down - there are no forces anymore. I feel that she is trying to shift the blame for the common mistakes on me. And she succeeds, as I begin to be overcome by guilt. The worst thing is that in such situations some kind of animal fear appears. I can’t stand it when they yell at me or raise a hand. I can’t understand the nature of this fear, but I remember it from childhood: a constant oppressive feeling of guilt. I couldn’t show that I was afraid, because of this I did regular nasty things. So now. I remind myself of a bristling hedgehog. It seems that I'm already afraid of everyone, it's my fault everywhere and everyone will yell. It's not like making excuses - I don't want to open my mouth. How to get rid of it? (Guilt and shame are usually imposed by parents in early childhood, and then children are controlled through these levers. And when a child becomes an adult, anyone controls him through these levers. This lever is called “You must. And aren’t you ashamed?”. It is difficult to destroy this, because the child does not remember when it was introduced to him, and thinks that this is his innate quality. But we will talk about this later. And now we will observe how the Cowardly Lioness gets out of all this. - M.L.)

From time to time I sew to order. I work part-time. The chief accountant undertook to sew a skirt. THOUGHT: apparently, implicitly wanted her to mock me outside of work. I don’t want to see her, so things won’t turn out good. I think that it is necessary to refuse like this: "Your requirements are very high, I'm afraid that I won't be able to satisfy them."

04.03.1999

It is impossible to talk to me, as I am one hundred percent immersed in work and the computer. Collapse crawling - I will notice only because it will become cold. If they get me, then I become aggressive. And conscience does not torment. (Bern wrote: Sex has one competitor - business. But business has no competitors. Periods of passion for business are perceived as the best periods of our life. And a person’s conscience will not torment. After all, he is busy with business! - M.L.)

04.06.1999

Since yesterday, there has been a mess in my soul: anxiety, resentment, dissatisfaction with myself.

Roared all yesterday. Why? Again she let herself be drawn into a squabble at work. I couldn't defend myself when they poured a bucket of slop on my head. So insulting, I studied for a year and again stepped on the same rake! (Boa constrictor Kaa said that it’s hard to change the skin, but here the whole backbone needs to be changed - the personality must be rebuilt. But at least she is now already looking for flaws in herself, and not in others. - M.L.)

Conflict with the chief accountant. I thought that the relationship improved because I learned to bypass her tantrums, but it turns out - no. The situation is this.

The day before, I do a piece of work, the result of which should be numbers. They already need the chief accountant. She constantly asks me - is it ready? I answer no. This is followed by reproaches that I do everything at the wrong time, let me down with the deadlines and substitute her and the company.

At this point (probably because I was expecting attacks) I start to bicker. As a result, she screams that my rudeness has crossed all the limits of patience, slams the folder on the table and jumps out into the next office to the director, shouting that I, it turns out, am not responsible for my mistakes. I wait out the storm, and then I make another mistake - I try to appeal to its justice and memory. (He sees his mistake again. Well done! I realized that two hands are needed to clap. Put yours away. - M.L.) And in response: “Well, will we work or chew snot?” And only then I stop talking, take the papers and go to redo it. It's terribly insulting for my impotence and stupidity: I still haven't learned how to communicate with idiots. I don’t know how to hold back my tears and, spitting on everyone, I sob for half a day. (That's right. Tears cannot be held back. Unreacted emotions destroy the body. Well, at least society allows women to cry. Men are not allowed. Therefore, they live 12 years less than women. - M.L.) At the same time, in 2 hours I redo the work that In a calm environment, I would have done in 30 minutes. I note in passing that there was absolutely no evil left against the chief accountant, even when, to the accompaniment of my sobs, she launched a violent activity with loud laughter. Probably, this was how she masked her guilt (although these are only my assumptions). You don’t want to see anyone at work, and especially her. How to avoid skirmishes with her in the future?

17.06.1999

The future has arrived quickly. During the day, she pestered me with petty insults, teaching me, as if in jest, how to wash cups, how to close the door, what underwear to wear (it turns out that my underpants are of the wrong color), whom to treat at dinner, and so on. I responded wonderfully. Firstly, she always looked into her eyes, calmly closed the door, wiped the window sill, agreed with the color of her underpants and treated the one who came into our office. But the apotheosis came when she, with horror (precisely with him), discovered her accounting error and began frantically looking for a reason to blame me for it (exactly the same reason as the time when I cried all day). I calmly looked into her eyes and, not relying, as before, on her memory and logic, I described my actions, which did not affect the erroneous result. (Here they are, the fruits of depreciation. - M.L.)

Attempts to blame me lasted 15-20 minutes and did not bring results. After that, she fell into the abyss of self-flagellation, and this abyss was so deep that I wanted to calm her down (I took her by the hand and began to offer ways out of the situation). Fool! Shouldn't have done this!! (Of course, it was not worth it. The deliverer always becomes a victim. - M.L.) She exploded again and ran for another 10 minutes. By order of order, she demanded that I come up with an explanation for her for the tax office, and ran away. When she returned, in the same terrible tone (from which I used to get lost) she asked what I had come up with. I said that, unfortunately, nothing. The most remarkable thing is that I skip a continuous stream of insults and screams past my ears and can already calmly talk from the position of an adult. Maybe also because I know that at heart she is a good person. And he treats me well. But otherwise she just can not talk. When I observe the same interaction with everyone else, I feel a mixture of pity and annoyance. It's like I see myself in a distorted mirror. It is very useful.

End of free trial.

The Adventures of the Cowardly Lioness, or the Art of Living, which can be learned by Chernaya Galina

sexy spree

01/14/2002. Monday

I realized that I had a serious romance - I fell in love. I don't know if it's for a day or a week. But oh, very good!

This morning I could not calmly look at him. Even some irritation arose - I so wanted the evening to come as soon as possible. In the evening I told him all this: that I really like him, that he has beautiful hands (they are really narrow and graceful), that I feel very good with him.

I do not remember such a terrible and prolonged excitement. We exhausted each other with half-caresses and undercontacts. Oh, very slowly. I went crazy with the incessant desire, although I did not get to orgasm. ( As it seemed to me. I already said that this fad with orgasms was instilled in me by my first husband. Only many years later, I realized that everything was fine with me, it’s just that my orgasm was not so pronounced and not single: there are many of them, they run like waves. And the excitement does not immediately go away, and the desire remains ...) The meeting can be called in one word - pleasure.

We fucked and rested, fucked and rested. And in between they chatted, played around, laughed, joked, said stupid things, biting and looking at each other. I asked: “When will you finally move to another office so that your presence does not pull me so?” I was ready to make love to him endlessly. What is surprising (or natural) - and he, too.

During the "smoke breaks" I said that he was afraid of my excessive affection. And then Kolya began to find fault with himself, listing his shortcomings. I listened to everything, nodded, called him a fool and kissed him.

But after that, he allegedly said jokingly, as if refuting himself: “I only like to fuck with you. And more - nothing. After all, after sex, I get up and leave (whereas it is clear that he is generally fine with me). Of all the virtues, you have attractiveness, and that’s all!”

Then I ask: "Are you saying that half your brains are missing because you sleep with a dumb and beautiful woman?" The phrase was longer and more twisted. He listened to the end and how he yelled: “Yes-ah-ah!” And we laughed. Then I realized that he was lying. That I like him in every way. I remember his eyes when he looked at me today at the office. He looked with a radiant gaze into the eyes, and not at the body. Maybe I fantasized everything, but then I consciously convinced myself of this. And I don't want to be disappointed. (And she did the right thing. - M.L.)

“But if you really want it outside of the plan, you can tell me about it. I will be pleased!

“Then every day, please!”

But I had to leave. He is to the car, and I am behind Valya. I wonder how long all this will last, given that events are developing on the rise? Kolya invited me to his favorite place for three days in the summer. Today I was talking about the sea and my friends whom I would like to introduce to me ( But for all our six years of life, this has remained at the level of his intentions.)

01/15/2002. Tuesday

The fever continues. It is difficult for me to see and talk to him. Apparently he does too. He ran away from the office to another room - from me. All the time I want to giggle and laugh for no reason. Thoughts are turned only towards the bed. So I came to a seminar on accounting: terribly excited and I can’t think about anything or anyone but him. Conclusion - fell in love. And how nice it is!

Where is my diploma?

Where is my logic?

In bed.

01/19/2002. Saturday

Morning. Cystitis. 40 temperature. Chills. Backache and panic, coupled with hysteria. She left work after sobbing for half a day. The desire to climb into a shell and isolate oneself from the world. Irritation and hatred for every person.

Kolya came at 8:00. At the sight of him, I was thrown into a fever. We began kissing eagerly and quickly moved into the bedroom. And until 15:30, with rare interruptions, they had sex. In the end, all my genitals were swollen, but the desire did not go away. And he, according to him, has a hormonal explosion.

Today, for me, everything was different from the last time, when, under the flame of a candle, I was torn apart by wild excitement and I wanted to turn inside out.

Today, having started with greed, I wanted to get enough as soon as possible. But saturation did not come. He sang all the time: "You and I would serve in intelligence." I objected: “Well, what would we reconnoiter there? We would have been shot under the first bush!” But it’s so funny to remember our seven-hour marathon, when I continuously took the initiative, and he either shouted in exhaustion “That’s enough!” (meaning back pose).

Then we sang some Komsomol songs together - instead of a lullaby, which he asked to sing in order to fall asleep. He built a tired martyr out of himself. I didn't let me relax. And then she easily admitted what used to be a tragedy for me: “You know, I experience the most different and strong sensations in sex, but I don’t get to orgasm.” We talked a little about this topic. I came to the conclusion that I did not get to the end. Fool... And he burst out laughing and said: “You know, this is very good, because if you got it right away, it would look scary: torn off eggs, members and other parts of the male body.”

He is smart. We discussed this “problem” of mine aloud, and he said that in such cases, men have a way out - to think about their feelings, not to dwell on their partner. Which he does with success. And this situation does not bother him. It does not burden me either, because with its help I discovered many qualities in myself. As a partner, he suits me perfectly: after a few hours of exercise, he still has both the strength and the desire to indulge my sexual insatiability.

Then they read Litvak's book. About a personal sociogen and a "cold woman". And I am very grateful to him for the fact that he makes me feel my own hypersexuality. I started kissing him, and he refused and groaned in a whisper: “Galya-ah-ah-ah, not a single man has died next to you? ..”

In some oriental books, he found the following explanation: if a person engages in some kind of activity for a very long time (work, sports or sex - it doesn’t matter), then after he ends his second and third wind, and he continues, less and less energy is spent on this procedure, and in principle it can last indefinitely. He called the state "nirvana".

01/22/2002. Tuesday

Free floating alarm.

Early morning. A whole day ahead.

This year I fell in love with our Rostov winter. There is no stale dream about the onset of summer. And so everything is fine. Lights hang on the streets in the evenings. You can ride on frozen puddles. People are all funny fidgeting along the road. Again, it can be a lot of fun to fall off.

Today I have a date.

01/27/2002. Sunday

Valya stayed with Bogdan for a week after Dombai.

From Thursday to Friday, Kolya spent the night with me.

For the first time since the divorce, I slept all night in an embrace with a man who suddenly became my own. We ate chicken by candlelight, read a little Bern. I don't remember what they were talking about. I remember that Kolya told me that now it's hard for him to just look at me in the office. These words pleased me.

He left in the morning. I went to the exam in my second part-time economic university. I got my A and went back to Litvak's classes. I clung to M.E., to his unshaven cheeks as to the main support that supports me in my own instability. (I don’t remember this situation. And I don’t remember that I once had unshaven cheeks. But since my classes are held in the evening, then maybe they may seem unshaven, but if you press hard. - M.L .)

Because if circumstances develop in such a way that Kolya will be there every night, then this will not save me from inner anxiety.

01/28/2002. Monday

Sexual hunger is satisfied. I don't know if he will appear again.

And yet sex, no matter how beautiful it may be, does not play a significant role in mental balance. Only self-realization. When I realized at a consultation with my supervisor that everything I was doing was wrong, I was so desperate that my hands dropped and I fell ill with cystitis again. I barely forced myself to do something according to my diploma. Today, when even a teaspoon per hour, but things are moving, the mood has risen.

Feelings feelings, but the thing must be done!

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From The Feminine Mystique by Fridan Betty

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From the author's book

Sexual partner I thought that I would be happy only if I found a good friend. I got married and divorced three times, because my husbands were so-ah-ah-ah-ak imperfect! The research helped me find myself, and I also realized that every husband was the perfect partner for me.

Mikhail Litvak, Galina Chernaya The Adventures of the Cowardly Lioness, or the Art of Living, which can be learned
Foreword by M. E. Litvak
Introduction
From the author
Chapter 1
Scientific commentary "Purposeful modeling of emotions"
Basic principles
Chapter 2
Chapter 3. Analysis. Or why do I have what I have
Early childhood. What do I remember
About mom
Pedigree. Mom's line
Scenario Formation Episodes
Pedigree. Dad's line
And more episodes related to the bookmark of the script
Theoretical Digression "On Anxiety and Fear"
School. Moving to my grandmother in Shakhty. Formation of perfectionism and withdrawal into oneself
Puberty
Admission to the construction university. Dynamo game
First sexual experience and getting married
Marriage. Side growth. Building a career as a housewife
On the consequences of growing sideways and what are the "motives" for having children
First work experience. Clash of inadequate self-esteem with reality
Thesis defense and - again, inadequacy and "star disease"
Episodes from childhood. About my mother and my role as a child psychotherapist
Chapter 4
First Impressions
The gentlemen are fighting - the forelocks of the serfs are cracking
Change of circumstances. Emergence of a new chief accountant. My cowardice
My script song "I can't handle it"
I am a pawn
New bosses. First Impressions
New bosses. Second impressions
Deliverance. Harnessed to a horse harness voluntarily
Redemption payment. I am a victim
Reckoning Climax
Polina steps on the same rake. Her payback
Dismissal. The heavy burden of freedom. Lack of "yoke"
Chapter 5
Episode #1
Episode #2 Naked Sex Meeting Is Empty
Episode #3 Don't Mess with a Cheap Man! VALUE YOURSELF!
Episode No. 4. All the same: appreciate yourself!
Episode No. 5. All the same: value yourself, Check mark!
Episode #6
Episode #7
Chapter 6
New profession. Boring script song "I can't handle it"
First impressions of the new leader
Chapter 7
sexy spree
Relationships develop
The myth of "exorbitant" children's demands
New business prospects. Further deepening of relations
Reflections on your role in the love triangle
Working on character flaws
Practicing admiration for a partner. Let go to stay
First professional success
Veal joys
Appointment to formal leadership
Kolya breaks ties
Experiencing scenario relationships. Further deepening
Job. My financial difficulties
Civil marriage proposal and my fears
"Formation of relations" - the goal is unrighteous
Kolins flour of choice
And again financial difficulties
Reflections on rituals
Who is more important - husband or child?
Chapter 8. First steps in the network business. The beginning of a divergence of interests
My consent to civil marriage
Low self-esteem is the flip side of high ambition
A loud signal to leave the agency. Emergence of a "new" CEO
"Features" become disadvantages. The appearance of "spots" on the face of a loved one
Analysis of the outgoing relationship with Kolya. My sexual games
And one more episode. My rough dynamo
secretary incident. me survive
I am starting my own business. Fear of making a decision. Accepted
Or how even successful businesses sometimes start
Another manipulative move in financing a new business
Fear to take action. Beginnings
Panic. And not "just horror", but "horror-horror-horror"
The mechanism of sexual interest
Swing syndrome for a couple
But you still have to live...
Fear of being left without support. Or "whack-whack..."
Reflections on neurotic disorders at work
First financial success
Neurotic disorders at work (based on K. Horney)
Stagnation. Further searches. Further fears
Mental struggle with a psychotherapist
Reasoning about cheating
Finding money for education. Investment in own development. "Whack-whack..." Fight
New direction. Losses. Again "whack-whack". Again you, Galya, fool
Continuation about Kolya
Way out of the situation of "broken firewood"
Sad philosophy. sad deeds
Tale of Dragons. Match "Galya against Dragons"
protracted depression
Fear of being left without support. Remained. Psychological divorce
Chapter 9
Almost denouement
Achieving Financial Independence
Thanks to your benefactor
The final parting with Kolya as a husband in three episodes
Opening: “But you still have to work!”
Meeting in a year. Business
Chapter 10
Introduction. My lingering difficulties
Valya is small. The intrigues of Bogdan. Children need love and their needs met.
The best psychologists are children
My educational essays. Difficulties. "No matter what you do, I still love you"
Struggle
The fight is heating up. My despair
Making a Solomonic Decision
flour. One step forward, two steps back
Manifestation of Valya's desires
Another one of my moves from a position of strength
I'm starting to calm down. Warmed up in relationships
The results of two conversations with Bogdan. I'm getting smarter
Extreme option. Gestalt reception
Right move
Valina's fears
Spark from Vali
Socratic dialogues with a daughter. Valya blackmails dad
The first tantrum of Valya's dad's clan, or the continuation of the Parent's Gambit
Chapter 11
My resistance and desire to resolve the issue by force
Sunday. Grandmother - "professional patient"
Grandma's funeral
Mom's tantrums
Comedy and another mother's blackmail
Working out relationship with mom. Complete success
Chapter 12
Conclusion
Bibliography
Note from Mikhail Litvak

Mikhail Litvak, Galina Chernaya The Adventures of the Cowardly Lioness, or the Art of Living, which can be learned

Foreword by M. E. Litvak

Dear readers, I offer you another book from the scientific novel series. Once again I will explain why I call this genre a scientific novel. Scientific - because all the facts described in this book took place. The scientific nature of this book is also determined by the fact that I add a scientific interpretation of events to the subjective story of the protagonist and compare it with statistically verified facts. Not all events happened with the main character. They happened to other people. But they could also happen to the Cowardly Lioness if she got into the right conditions. It seems that the integrity of the image is not affected. In addition, the book will include scientific commentary and conventional wisdom. I think that this book can be a practical guide to the psychology of communication and psychotherapy. I call it a novel because it describes a fairly long period in the life of one person. The rest of the characters are still the background against which the life line of the main character is played out. Some of them are fictional. If one of the readers recognizes himself in these heroes, then we will be happy, because we have described a typical phenomenon.

The book "The Adventures of the former Spermatosaurus, or the Textbook of Life" was published in 2006 and has already been reprinted 5 times. The second volume should be prepared soon, because the main character is rapidly progressing and has already reached the international level, and some of her poems have already taken the form of songs. I think, dear readers, you will hear them soon.

I met the Cowardly Lioness in March 1998. She came to see me for an outpatient appointment. In front of me stood a young beautiful 25-year-old woman in a blue suit with metal buttons (then fashion). She reminded me of a flight attendant from the time of the birth and rapid development of civil aviation (60s of the last century). Back then, flight attendants were a very prestigious profession. It was difficult to get there. The flight attendants carried themselves very importantly. So she looked as if she had done a great favor by coming to see me, and I should be delighted to behold such a person. Her whole appearance said that she did not really believe that she would be helped here, that I was able to sort out her tragic situation, but she still needed to go somewhere, and she did this to clear her conscience. I advised her to buy my books, learn psychological aikido and try to solve this problem. I confess that I did not really hope that she would attend our courses, and I told her so, to clear my conscience, to say something. I thought that most likely she would find a man for whom she would once again hide from life. But... I was wrong. There was no more methodical follower among my students. She tried to attend all the classes that I conducted, both in Rostov and on the road, and became a full member of our group. And she didn't just attend classes. She mastered the technique of psychologically competent communication and advanced with all the hesitation and throwing.

I gave her the nickname the Cowardly Lioness. Indeed, she had a pronounced choleric temperament, but in the process of education she was so intimidated that she felt like a coward. She made decisions with difficulty, was afraid to take responsibility, considered herself incapable of anything. But at the same time, driven to despair, she could pounce on people much stronger than her, or because of mischief she could jump naked into the cold sea, or experience the thrill of parachuting or climbing on a horse. Now she already has her own advertising agency, a three-room apartment, a car and inner confidence in the future, despite the fact that her small business is experiencing all the delights of the economic crisis.

But let's watch the life of our Cowardly Lioness. Frankl was right when he wrote that the life of each individual person is more exciting than many novels. Yes, and more instructive too. I would like this book to become not only a way to kill time by reading funny and sometimes tragic episodes, but also a textbook for psychologists and psychotherapists, and not only for them. I think that my comments will make this book a guide to action.

So, I give the floor to the Cowardly Lioness.

Introduction

Dedicated to my dear and beloved Teacher in life, Mikhail Efimovich Litvak