Jokes about flowers on March 8. Happy Holidays

Day 8 March. 3 friends gathered, their husbands do not congratulate them. They decided to celebrate on their own. Bypassed all the bars, restaurants, cafes, everything is busy. They went to the cemetery, where they celebrated. Drunk, they took the flowers from the cemetery and went home.
In the evening, one friend says to another:
- My lover brought flowers.
- Mine too.
Third:
- And my general brought a wreath, with an inscription from colleagues.

March 8. The husband decided to prepare a holiday for his wife - he laid a chic table, cleaned everything. took out the garbage and is waiting for his wife.
March 9 - wife is gone, March 10 - still missing. March 11 is a drunken wife. The husband yells: "Yes, if I had a machine gun, I would have shot you, and if I had a knife, I would have stabbed you !!!" Wife: "You better zabad me ..."

One man on March 8 woke up early, cooked breakfast, woke up the family, fed, sent for a walk, washed the dishes, started washing, started a grand festive dinner, cooked it, washed it, met the family, set the table, washed the dishes, dried it, ironed it, cooked it, fed, checked the lessons, washed, washed, laid, sewn, fell, took cover, huddled against the wall, lies and thinks:
- Is it going to start climbing? Really, Lord?

March 8.
The husband reads a newspaper in front of the TV, the wife cleans the dishes.
Suddenly he remembers that today is March 8, but he did not buy a gift.
Husband (not distracting from reading):
- Leave, dear, the dishes, today is the eighth, you will wash your house tomorrow.

Husband and wife wake up on the morning of March 8th.
Wife stretching sweetly:
- Oh, what a wonderful dream I saw! As if you gave me a diamond necklace on March 8th! What would that mean?
Husband kissing her
- Wait, you'll find out tonight!
In the evening, the wife ran home from work early, set the table, put a bubble, lit candles ... The husband comes and hands her a beautiful box tied with a bow.
She opens it and sees the book 'The Interpreter of Dreams'.

On March 8, the taxi driver Mammadov greeted us cheerfully. Seeing a girl walking alone, he offered her a free ride!
The girl refused out of courtesy. But personal charm... and Mamedov's mount helped to overcome girlish modesty!

Congratulations on March 8 Yeltsin B.N.:
- N-n-n-o, I congratulate everyone on March 8th, including women ...

On March 8, the son-in-law decided to please the women - his wife and mother-in-law. He started cleaning ... Washes the toilet, tries, puffs, mother-in-law comes up:
- My-my ... I'm going to shit there now!

Two drunken men are sitting. One says to the second: "Why is he so sad?" "Yes, I'm sitting and thinking what to give my wife for March 8 ...". "And when is her March 8th?"

March 8th:
- Lyokha, look what a girl! Hips - in, chest - in!
- Sanya, calm down, you have 10 points!

Expensive!!! What to give you on March 8?
- Oh, I don't even know...
- Then I give you one more year to think.

Congratulations to all the girls on the upcoming women.

When you bring lovers home, at least clean up the traces after them. Whose tie is this?!
- Have you forgotten? This is my gift to you on February 23rd, but whose lipstick is this?
- And this is my gift to you on March 8th!

March 8th. They, women, have sweet tea with a cake and chocolate, and we, men, again eat this bitter, tasteless vodka ...

I finally got the suede coat that I had been dreaming about for a long time!
- Husband on the eighth of March gave?
- No, I shaved my mink coat!

A wonderful gift for March 8 - underwear - underpants is a useful thing in the household, and it also does not hurt on top of the household.

The holiday of March 8 was invented by the impotent, because how can you remember women once a year.

Happiness is when on March 8th you manage to congratulate only those women who deserve it.

What March, so many flowers in a bouquet for mother-in-law.

March 8 is practically the only day when a woman agrees with everything that is said about her.

For the holiday on March 8, Johnson & Johnson prepared a surprise for all women: every tenth tampaks - with a clapperboard!

March 8 is coming up, the men in the department are thinking what to give their two secretaries.
Chief says:
- The best gift is a book. We need to give them something useful for their development. For example, our Tanechka - she won’t write two words correctly, so let’s give her a beautiful big dictionary. Well, Allochka about something in which she is neither boom-boom. And they will be pleased, and it will be useful for us.
“Understood, boss, it will be done,” the men say.
The next day they come, they say, they say, everything is in order. We bought Tanechka a dictionary.
- So that's great. This will be useful to all of us. And Allochka in the same vein?
- Well, yes. To eradicate illiteracy.
- What, also a dictionary?
- Why a dictionary? Kama Sutra.

There are two drug addicts.
One says:
- Do you know when Marinka's birthday is?
- No, but I know when it is the eighth of March.

February 14th is a good occasion to remind each other of last year's gifts for February 23rd and March 8th.

They say that by March 8, a "chess" amendment will be made to the "Marriage Code" of Ukraine: "Touched - get married!"

The wife asks her husband:
- Dear, what will you give me on March 8?
- Fuck you!
- I won't!
- Well, you will go like a fool without a gift !!!

If only men ruled this world, then ... The eighth of March would be moved to the twenty-ninth of February. Once every four years it can still be endured.

Before March 8, the husband asks his wife: "Darling, what can I give you?"
She: "Don't bother, don't worry, you don't need anything special, well, in extreme cases, you can give something first that comes across, pantyhose there or a hairnet ..."
The husband came to the store, mixed everything up and asked the saleswoman: “Girl, do you have tights with a hair net?” Saleswoman: “Man, do you happen to need panties with an egg box?”

A little boy asks his father:
- Dad, why is the day of March 8 highlighted in the calendar in red?
- This, son, is the color of our male blood with you!

Cheburashka comes to Shapoklyak on March 8 and says:
- I congratulate you on March 8! Please accept this modest gift from me and Gena - a green bag made of crocodile skin...

The ideal wife is a woman who was born on March 8th and whom you met and married on March 8th. And it's not just savings on gifts! Let him just try to ask someday: "Darling, but you don't
forgot what day it is today?

Economic miracle!!! The Uryupinsk cannery was revived thanks to a genius idea - the release of "lip-rolling machines" for the holiday of MARCH 8. (I came up with it yesterday when my girlfriend ordered a gift for March 8)

March 8th is coming. The teacher says: Write the children a poem about the upcoming holiday. Vovochka gets up and says: The eighth of March is close, close, grow soon my piska! Teacher: Out! To the director!
And tell me why I kicked you out! Vovochka comes to the director, he told him why he was kicked out. The director says: You are a fool, Vovka, that's how it should have been written: The eighth of March is close, close, and the heart beats like a deer,
don't let me down pipik on international women's day!

A so I gave my mother-in-law a washer and dryer on March 8. - Probably, a lot of money ugrohal? - No, not much. - And what kind of technique is this? - Basin and towel.

8 March in a flower shop, a young man addresses the seller:
- Hello, do you have any roses?
- Yes, how old are you?
- Why are they called that?
- I don’t know, they say, all the girls are delighted with them!
- Great! How much does one cost?
- A thousand rubles.
- Wow!

- M Elly, what will you give me on March 8?
- What would you like?
- Well, I would like something new, bright, which I have never had before.
did not have...
- Honey, I knew, I knew that you would someday ask for anal
sex!!!

8 Marta all the women got up early, cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner,
tidied up the apartment so they had more free time. After all
Today is International Women's Day...

TO when dad sat down to make paper flowers in the evening, the children knew: the salary
drunk, but tomorrow is March 8th.

- H I finally got the suede coat that I had been dreaming about for a long time!
- Did the husband give on March 8?
- No, I shaved my mink coat.

At tro. March 8. Husband - wife:
- Dear, what would you like for March 8?
Wife:
- Hy, dear, I would like something for my thin fingers, for my long neck, and for my pink ears.
My husband thinks:
- Yeah! SOAP!

8 Martha, the son-in-law decided to please the women - his wife and mother-in-law.
He started cleaning ... Washes the toilet, tries, puffs, mother-in-law comes up:
- My-my ... I'm going to shit there now!

P why is it always like this - you are waiting for the New Year, you are waiting, and on March 8, as always,
pops up unexpectedly...

M I already decided to surprise my wife on the eighth of March:
- Honey, I baked this soup myself.

B It was in the third grade... or fourth... it doesn't matter. Only on March 8 we did not congratulate our classmates and did not give them gifts. Our class teacher said:
- Aren't you ashamed, boys?
Mishka, our elder, raised his hand and said:
- And they did not congratulate us on February 23!
- But you're not in the military yet!
- And they are not women yet!
The class roared in unison.
In short, the next year, classmates congratulated us on February 23 and gave us gifts. And on March 8 we made them a courtesy in return. Equality has been restored.

H and on March 8, all women want something extraordinary from men. And where can an ordinary man take an extraordinary one?!

ABOUT one man says to another:
- I don’t know what to give my wife on March 8 ...
- And when is March 8th?

8 March: drunken women, covered in chocolate, walk down the street, hitting bottles of perfume on their heads and pestering with the question: "Did you give birth, damn it?"

First:
- It was terrible! Imagine, he took me to his house, immediately to bed, after 5 minutes he finished and fell asleep. Well, a nightmare!
Second:
- Oh, and everything was like in a dream! We went to a restaurant and drank amazing wine. Let's go to him, two hours of foreplay, an hour of sex itself, and then another hour talking about everything! Super!
At the same time, two men meet at the other end of the city.
- It was a great evening! They immediately went to me, didn’t compost the brains, had sex, I fell asleep, had a good night’s sleep, the mood is excellent!
- And I have some kind of horror. I had to drag myself to a restaurant - there the waiter, damn it, brought the most expensive wine. Uncomfortable, had to take.
They came home - I didn’t get up for two hours, I couldn’t finish for an hour, then I couldn’t fall asleep for an hour ...

***

ABOUT revenge on her - give an epilator and pantyhose on the eighth of March!

IN On March 8, the husband got up early, cooked breakfast for his wife, cleaned
apartment, running around a lot of shops, standing in a lot of queues,
cooked a festive dinner and fell into bed late at night,
completely exhausted and exhausted, he thought:
- Are they going to fuck me now?

The holiday of March 8 will come very soon, and this is not only beautiful congratulations, flowers and gifts, but also a great mood. And today we have selected for you jokes about March 8, the funniest ones, so that you get a charge of positive and cheerful energy for the whole holiday.

Jokes about March 8

A man and a woman walk into a sex shop. The woman is very fat, and the man is thin.
Saleswoman:
- What are you interested in?
Man:
- Something original for the wife by March 8th!
Saleswoman:
— Take erotic lingerie. It is very sexy and fashionable!
In short, they choose super erotic lingerie of the largest size for their wife.
Saleswoman:
- Man, don't you want to take Viagra for a thrill?
Man:
— Oh no.. In order to look at this spectacle, I'd rather buy Corvalol!!!

One friend asks another:
- Why are you so sad?
- Yes, my husband gave perfume on the eighth of March. And in the evening, even though I asked him, I still drank.
- But on a holiday, you can drink.
- He drank perfume.

On March 8, in a flower shop, a young man addresses the seller:
- Hello, do you have roses "oh @ et"?
- Yes, how old are you?
- Why are they called that?
- I don’t know, they say all the girls are delighted with them!
- Great! How much does one cost?
- A thousand rubles.
- Oh @ ut!

A man walks into a jewelry store.
Sales girl:
- Oh, man, it's good that you came to us, March 8 is coming soon and we have a 20% discount for two weeks. Buy something for your girlfriend. Here I can offer a pendant, gold, in the shape of a heart, your girlfriend will really like it.
Man (sadly):
- I don't have a girlfriend...
Saleswoman coquettishly:
- Yes you! Such a prominent, handsome, tall man - and no girl?
Why?!
Man (even sadder):
- My wife won't let me.

When was the last time you gave your wife flowers? Not for March 8, not for a birthday, but just like that?
- Yeah, give her a try. Suspicions will immediately begin, they will start digging. And surely something will come up.

Workers call their foreman:
- Ivan Petrovich, we congratulate you on the day of March 8!
- What am I to you, woman, or something!
- A woman is not a woman, but you are a decent bitch!

Jokes about March 8 are the funniest

Husband to wife:
- Well, what to give you tomorrow on March 8th?
- Oh, I don't need anything. Just don't get drunk! This will be the best gift for me...
- Well ... I gave you this yesterday ... Why repeat something ...

March 8. A man meets a friend
- Long time no see! How are you?
- Great! Here, I bring flowers to my grandmother! Congratulations on March 8!
- What are you! They are artificial!
- Well, so my woman is rubber!

Husband and wife wake up on the morning of March 8th.
Wife stretching sweetly:
Oh, what a wonderful dream I had! As if you gave me a diamond necklace on March 8th! What would that mean?
Husband kissing her
"Wait, you'll find out tonight!"
In the evening, the wife ran home from work early, set the table, put a bubble, lit candles ... The husband comes and hands her a beautiful box tied with a bow. She opens it and sees the book "The Interpreter of Dreams".

A man buys a gift for his wife on March 8. He chose a blouse, but not knowing the size of his wife, he asks the saleswoman to try it on herself. So coquettishly:
- Is your wife the same build as me?
- Yes, the same cow!

Husband calls his wife
- Honey, tomorrow is March 8th, we have a short working day, so I will be late ...

Happy holiday, my love!

To every man

— A helmet as a gift!

The ideal wife is the woman who was born on March 8th and whom you met and married on March 8th. And it's not just savings on gifts! Let him just try to ask someday: “Darling, have you forgotten what day it is?”

Getting ready for the holiday

As the twenty-third of February rolls around, so does the eight-mart!

- Dad! And when there was no March 8 holiday, for example, in the Middle Ages, how were women honored?
They lit big fires for them.

February 14… February 23… March 8…
And let's combine them into one holiday: the International Day of Women in Love with the Defenders of the Fatherland!

A popular sign says: what was the mood of the husband on February 23, so it will be with the wife on March 8!

So we can't live without you!

- All right, girls, shoot back! Socks, shorts, deodorants were presented, now we are waiting for diamonds on Friday!

The NTV channel congratulates lovely women on the upcoming March 8! We have prepared a big surprise for you: watch only women's crime on our channel all weekend!

Dreaming: March 8th. Drunk women, covered in chocolate, walk down the street, hit bottles of perfume on their heads and pester with the question: “Did you give birth, damn it?”

It's cool that February 23 is earlier than March 8. Now I know exactly whom to congratulate and, most importantly, how.

I shave with an electric razor, and my mother-in-law gives shaving foam every year on February 23rd. I will give her this time on March 8 - condoms!

Am I the only one who thinks the requirement to give flowers and show gallantry on the International Day for Women's Equality seems strange?

March 8 is the day when even the most intelligent men spend their stash in the most stupid way.

Are you going to buy a bouquet for your woman on March 8? Keep in mind: Candies are tastier than flowers. Sausage is cheaper. And money doesn't wither.

We give flowers

Twice a year, on March 8 and September 1, Russia celebrates a professional holiday - the Day of the Flower Speculator.

March 8. Morning. I am watching a picture: a father is walking with his daughter, who is holding a bunch of
flat branches of mimosa. The daughter looks for a long time at what she was instructed to carry, and asks a question:
- Dad, is this a bath broom?
“No, this is a broom for grandmother,” the father answers.

On the eve of March 8th.
- What kind of flowers do you like?
— Roses.
- Red or white?
— Red.
- I see, but how do you feel about champagne with candles?
- Positively ... Are you cooking something?
- Yeah, I'm getting ready - I'm sitting choosing a postcard that I will send you on VKontakte ... ..

On March 8, in a flower shop, a young man addresses the seller:
- Hello, do you have roses "oh * ot"?
- Yes, how old are you?
- Why are they called that?
- I don’t know, they say all the girls are delighted with them!
- Great! How much does one cost?
- A thousand rubles.
- Oh, fuck!

— Abram! Who came up with the 8th of March?
- I know? Like Clara Zetkin!
- What for?
- I know? She must have been selling flowers!

On the eve of March 8, a man is trading in the market.
- How much are tulips?
- One hundred rubles for five pieces.
- Will you give me a discount?
- I will. One hundred rubles for six pieces ...

We went with a friend (and he looks like a Georgian) to the market to buy flowers by March 8, we look, some Georgian is selling carnations, and the line is such that you won’t get through. Then a friend gives five hundred over the head to the seller and says: “Wrap it up, dear.” The seller wraps cloves in five hundred and says: "Take it, dear." The crowd is shocked...

March 8. We stand in a flower kiosk in a crowd of people, waiting for our bouquet to be wrapped. In parallel, having nothing to do, I listen to the conversation of another buyer and a saleswoman.
Seller: (with pressure) Take our local ones, you won't regret it.
Buyer: So the buds are small!
Seller: (again with pressure) But they will stand for two weeks. Here we have a certificate!
Customer: But the bud is small! I want these (overseas). Look how big the bud is!
This continues for about 5 minutes, until the saleswoman, already completely excited, gives out to the whole store:
- A man, decide: do you need a BIG one, or that he STANDS ?!
***
Pause. The visitors are holding back the attack of insane laughter that has risen to the throat and are almost able to cope, when suddenly a grandmother-God's dandelion emerges from behind the counter and gives out to the peasant:
- Listen, listen to Marivanna, she is experienced with us, KNOWS ...
And now everyone has been torn apart.

- Do you give flowers at home on March 8?
— Yes, I buy two flowers.
“So you can’t give an even number!”
So I have a wife and mother-in-law.

A man buys identical postcards and envelopes for March 8.
To the reasonable remark of the saleswoman that it would be possible to buy different ones, he subtly remarked:
- They live in different cities.

The wife says to Rabinovich:
“Listen here, Yasha. Don't buy flowers. After March 8, you will give, they will still be cheaper.

When dad sat down to make paper flowers in the evening, the children knew: the salary was spent on drink, but tomorrow is March 8th.

Choosing a gift

And remember how in kindergarten you draw your mother on March 8 “a scribble-doodle” - she is so happy! For some reason, this trick does not work with my wife ..

- Who will you congratulate on March 8?
- Sister, daughter, mother-in-law ... son-in-law.
- What about the son-in-law?
- The son-in-law has nothing to do with it. I said: I'm mother-in-law.

Take revenge on her - give an epilator and tights on the eighth of March!

The boy approaches his father and asks:
- Dad, why is March 8 marked in red on the calendar?
The father replies with anguish in his voice:
- This is the color of our male blood, son!

Husband calls his wife
- Honey, because tomorrow is March 8th, and today we have a short working day, so I will be late ...

- What gift are you going to give your wife by March 8?
- I will fulfill her old dream: I will throw out the Christmas tree in figs ...

On March 8, women will drink fragrant tea with a cake and chocolate, and we, men, will again have to eat this bitter, tasteless vodka ...

March 8 is coming up, the men in the department are thinking what to give their two secretaries.
Chief says:
- The best gift is a book. We need to give them something useful for their development. For example, our Tanechka - she won’t write two words correctly, so let’s give her a beautiful big dictionary. Well, Allochka about something in which she is neither boom-boom. And they will be pleased, and it will be useful for us.
“Understood, boss, it will be done,” the men say.
The next day they come, they say, they say, everything is in order. We bought Tanechka a dictionary.
- So that's great. This will be useful to all of us. And Allochka in the same vein?
- Well, yes. To eradicate illiteracy.
- What, also a dictionary?
Why a dictionary? Kama Sutra.

What to give your girlfriend on March 8? Serious problem…
The flowers will soon wither, the mobile phone will break.
So give her a ball from the bearing!
It's original and what the fuck is going to happen to it...

- Guys, what will we give women on March 8th?
“We’ll put on the socks they gave us, put on some cream, and they’ll have a striptease!”

Eve March 8th. Jewelry shop. Seller manager:
— How do you manage to sell so many diamonds?
“I just inform the men that if a wife goes out into the street in expensive diamonds, she will be killed right there for them.

A man consults with a friend:
- What would you give your wife on March 8?
- And you, like last year, throw her 8 sticks a night!
- No, now I can’t pull so much!
- Well, let's throw off the men!

Crocodile Gena says to Cheburashka:
- So I look at you, Cheburashka, and I don’t even know: either to congratulate you on February 23, or on March 8?

Husband to wife:
– Dear, what would you like for March 8?
- Well, dear, I would like something for my thin fingers, for my long neck, and for my pink ears.
Husband:
– Aha! Got the hint! Soap is soap!

What would you like for March 8?
- I would like an apple ... bitten ... and preferably on the back of a new phone ....

- Dear, what to give you on March 8? Choose what you want - a diamond necklace, a mink coat, a villa on the French Riviera?
- Honey, give me only tonight and your love.
- Taken! the director announced.

Eve March 8th. He and she are in bed.
“Darling, I can’t sleep. Can we make love?
- Sleep! It is not accepted to give gifts ahead of time!

You have to suggest...

On the eve of March 8th.
- Beloved ... Guard!
- What's happened?
- My favorite perfumes are already 6749 rubles without a discount. Guard!
“Y-yes… Now it’s not your perfume anymore…”

- Dear, what will you give me on March 8?
- Well, I'll think of something like that, with all my heart!
- It would be better from Versace!

Dear, on March 8, I want some cool iPhone app.
But you don't have an iPhone.
- That's it.

- Dear, give me a car on March 8!
- My joy, I'm not sure that you can handle her control, even if she has an automatic transmission.
- Don't overthink it. I have no problems with the washing machine.

I say to my foreign husband, who knows nothing about our wonderful holiday on March 8th:
— Dear, today is a great and wonderful holiday!
- Again?! Now what?
- International Women's Day!!!
- Yes?! And what should I do?
Buy me flowers and something small and shiny! 🙂
- All right, dear! As you say!
Well, I think what a good husband I have! In the evening I go home ... At home there are flowers and a small box nearby! Well, I think not a husband, but gold! The wife said, the husband did!
- Thank you, darling! You are the best!
- Well, you open, open the box! — My lovely husband says impatiently.
I open it ... and I see ... not very small and it shines, oh how it shines! ... a spinner (bait for catching fish) ... And my happy husband:
“You said small and shiny!”

- Darling, what to give you on March 8?
- Buy me a coat.
- My joy, you know what my salary is ...
“Then I don’t know.
Well, give me some hint.
- Fine. I'll give you a hint: our branch of the bank has a really bad security system.

- Honey, what will you give me on March 8?
— What would you like?
- Well, I would like something new, bright, which I have never had before ...
- Honey, I knew, I knew that you would someday ask for anal sex yourself !!!

A woman tells her friends:
- My husband offered me a gift for March 8, but only that its name began with the letter "w". I chose a fur coat, a hat, champagne, a little noise, caps, studded hairpins and a woolly Chevrolet.

- Dear, did you buy me a gift for March 8?
“Of course, dear.
- Will I like it?
“If you don’t like it, give it to me, I have long dreamed of such a spinning rod.

- Expensive!!! What to give you on March 8?
"Oh, I don't even know...
"Then I'll give you one more year to think about it."

Happy Holidays

March 8, morning. I get up and go to the bathroom. The husband is already in the kitchen. Suddenly a cry:
- Well, damn it, lay back, I'll bring coffee right now!

The wife wakes her husband up on the morning of March 8 and asks:
- Expensive. Do you remember what holiday is today?
- Of course I remember. Today is February 23 old style!

On March 8, everything is as usual for me. Wife - flowers. Mother-in-law - roasting in chocolate.
She has bad teeth.

Every child who came to his mother early in the morning on March 8 and just
kissing her awake will be dearer to her than a million scarlet roses.

Husband and wife wake up on the morning of March 8th.
Wife stretching sweetly:
Oh, what a wonderful dream I had! As if you gave me a diamond necklace on March 8th! What would that mean?
Husband kissing her
"Wait, you'll find out tonight!"
In the evening, my wife came home from work early, set the table, put a bubble, lit candles ...
The husband comes and hands her a beautiful box tied with a bow.
She opens it and sees the book "The Interpreter of Dreams".

- Hurry up! There the women are already eating cake without us!
“Close the kitchen door, you idiot!” Well guys, one more?

What kind of women do you like - smart or beautiful?
- Neither one nor the other. I need only you!

On March 8, the son-in-law decided to please the women - his wife and mother-in-law.
He started cleaning ... He washes the toilet, tries, puffs, his mother-in-law comes up:
- My-my ... I'm going to shit there now!

A friend went to congratulate a friend, a gynecologist on March 8, on the holiday. I went into the office, she makes someone an ultrasound. A friend gave the doctor flowers, a gift, and she offers her an ultrasound as a gift.
The girlfriend refuses, says that she is healthy, nothing worries. But she was persuaded nonetheless. Well, the conclusion that shocked me is 3 weeks pregnant!

Morning. March 8. The wife is in the kitchen. And the husband on the phone says to a friend:
- To succeed is when your woman prepares coffee for you on March 8!

March 8, 9 o'clock in the morning, the wife woke up and tossed and turned. Husband: - Honey, sleep some more.
10 a.m. The wife is trying to get out of bed, the husband: - Sleep some more, please.
11 in the morning, the wife sits on the bed, the husband does not open his eyes: - Get some more sleep.
Wife: - Yes, I want to go to the toilet!
Husband: - Well, go and sleep! And I'll sober up soon, go for flowers and bring coffee to bed!

On March 8, a woman invited a man to her place.
Prepared, laid the table. After the man drank and ate everything, she clung to him:
- And now you're mine.
- Nu fi, my itself!

On March 8, the bell rings at the professor's house. He picks up the phone, and from there the students say:
- Comrade professor, since March 8 you!
Professor in disbelief:
– What is that? What am I, a woman, or what?
- Well, I don’t know if you are a woman or not, but the bitch is still that ...

On March 8, the son-in-law prepared a festive dinner, vacuumed the apartment, wiped the dust, washed the floor, washed the dishes thoroughly. In general, I barely had time before ... the arrival of forensic experts.

Recipe for lovers on March 8th.
To make the kiss sweet and hot, take your beloved girl, put 2 pieces of sugar in her mouth, pour boiling water over it and stir thoroughly with a teaspoon.

Husband in the kitchen with a quiet mat
Cutting eggs for salad!
Smoke comes out of the oven
The hungry cat looks evil.
wife drinking coffee in bed
Mikhailov sings songs to her.
Already in the morning a little drunk.
Who can guess what date it is?
Happy New Year, girls!

The child congratulated the grandmother:
- Grandma, congratulations on March 8! - pause...
Grandma says:
“And do you wish…
- I want borscht with crackers, will you cook it?

Kitten, what does it smell like on you? Perfume new?
- Yes, dear, you gave me on March 8.
- Um, I haven't given you anything yet...

Gave, gave, look in the wallet.

I told my boyfriend that I needed a skirt, new shoes, perfume (I ran out of the last ones), a couple more blouses would do well to buy. He gave me a computer game on March 8th. He said that if you sit at home and play, then neither perfume nor skirts will be needed.

Dad reads the newspaper. The daughter washes the dishes, the mother cooks.
- Dad, today is March 8! Why do I wash dishes on a holiday?
“You haven’t grown up for this holiday yet.
- Well, then why does mom cook?
Dad thoughtfully:
But she's already grown...

On March 8, the main thing is not a gift, but attention.
Therefore, on March 8, I carefully cross the road.

I bought a coffee cup for my wife on March 8, and glued a cashier's check to it on the TV ... Now she is even afraid to drink from it ...

March 8. Evening.
The husband reads a newspaper in front of the TV, the wife cleans the dishes.
Suddenly he remembers that today is March 8, but he did not buy a gift!
Husband (not distracting from reading):
- Leave, dear, the dishes, today is the eighth, you will wash your house tomorrow.

A friend of the hostess helps clean up after the celebration of March 8th and gives advice:
- Gather the orange peel, dry it and put it in the cabinet against moths,
- Cucumbers in sour cream are good as a cosmetic mask,
- We will wash the dishes with mustard,
- Vodka can be ...
- Drink up! the husband of the hostess put in sharply, grabbed a glass and returned his face to the salad.

March 8, late evening. The husband comes home drunk. He holds a black woman by the waist with one hand, an Asian woman with the other. Terrified wife:
Vasya, who are they?
— Darling, let's not forget that today is International Women's Day!

Post-holiday

Woman on March 9th:
- Well, at least one bastard congratulated! And who congratulated - such a bastard!

Dear women!
If you received a gift from a man on March 6, you are a lover ...
If on March 7th you are a colleague...
If March 8th is your beloved woman...

If on March 9th you are the beloved woman of a Jewish man...
If you didn’t get it at all, you are with the wrong man!!!

How did you spend March 8?
- It's like a fairytale. I met a handsome prince. He carried me all day in his arms, showered me with gifts, spoke tender words.
- Oh, how romantic. And what then?
"What..what.. At midnight, he turned back into my husband."

My girlfriend didn’t give me anything on February 23, since I didn’t serve. Well, okay. On March 8, I didn’t give her anything either. To the question "Why?" logically answered: “But you didn’t give birth” ...

One drunk asks another:
What did you buy yours for March 8?
- Hic ... And when is March 8th?

- But I gave my mother-in-law a washer and dryer on March 8.
— Probably, a lot of money ugrohal?
- No, it was within a hundred.
And what kind of technique is this?
- Basin and towel.

My wife got mad at me. She asked coquettishly - what I will give her on March 8th.
And I take it and blurt out - wrinkle cream.

Advice for wives:
If on March 8 your husband gave you household appliances from Eldorado, think about who got the “second one for free”.

- Sarochka! What did your dad give you on March 8th?
My dad gave me and my mom $200 each! (proudly)
And how did you manage them?
- We put them in the family piggy bank, "for a rainy day" ...
- Oh, .. what a clever girl you are ... And where did dad get .. money?
- In the piggy bank ...

A man caught a goldfish
- Make every day be February 23rd!
You're late, man! Your wife already ordered every day on March 8th.

Friends share how March 8 passed with their lovers.
First:
- It was terrible! Imagine, he took me to his house, immediately to bed, after 5 minutes he finished and fell asleep. Well, just a nightmare!
Second:
“Oh, it was like a dream for me!” We went to a restaurant and drank amazing wine. Let's go to him, two hours of foreplay, an hour of sex itself, and then another hour talking about everything! Super!

At the same time, two men meet at the other end of the city.
- It was a great evening! They immediately went to me, didn’t compost the brains, had sex, I fell asleep, had a good night’s sleep, the mood is excellent!
“And I have some kind of horror. I had to drag myself to a restaurant - there the waiter, damn it, brought the most expensive wine. Uncomfortable, had to take. They came home - I didn’t get up for two hours, I couldn’t finish for an hour, then I couldn’t fall asleep for an hour ...

- Why are you so upset? Well, my husband drank on March 8, so he gave you perfume as well ...
- You didn’t understand anything: my husband drank the perfume that he gave me on March 8th.

- Something our boss has recently become furious, like a dog!
- Yes, on March 8 we gave his wife a rolling pin, and mother-in-law a frying pan!

- What did you give your wife on March 8?
- A lasso and a fire extinguisher!
- Like this?!
- A lasso to stop galloping horses, and a fire extinguisher to enter burning huts!

The one who celebrated March 8th best of all was that woman who, not on the 7th and not on the 8th, but on the 9th, goes to work with flowers in the morning. Which she was presented at work on the 7th ...

Last year, on March 8, he gave his wife a washing machine, this time a dishwasher, he planned to give a slow cooker for his birthday, but he thought: wouldn’t she have too much time to cut me?

Helpful advice: If on March 8 you were not presented with what you dreamed of, then next time you need to dream much louder.

After the holidays, my friend and I flaunted gifts made to each other on February 23 and March 8: she was all like that in a mink coat, and I was all like that in new socks, shorts and an umbrella.

- And I gave my wife a seven-color flower for the past March 8.
- And what?
- We eat what we want and do not get fat, for a year without sick leave.
- Wow. What else?
- I make a lot of money.
- How many?
- Don't know. The wife manages the finances.
— In what way, what else?
- Quit drinking, smoking, swearing.
- Great, but...
- I like to mess around in the kitchen. Cook there, wash dishes, put things in order ...
- Oh!
- And every day at six in the evening I am carried home by an unknown force.
- And even from the billiard room?
- From anywhere. Now I hate football and hockey, fishing and hunting, but I love figure skating, TV shows and programs about love. So. And you say...
“Wait, what about the seventh petal?” Were there seven of them?
- Come on, guys, we are not children, we will not measure it. You still don't stand a chance.

Beauty in a woman is not the main thing, beauty in a woman is not the main thing, beauty in a woman is not the main thing.
- What are you doing?
- I'm going home.

Lord! Well, what could be more precious than a woman?
- Another woman, third woman...
- Come on, lieutenant, health is more expensive.

I bow to great women. Here is Valentina Tereshkova, here is a woman! First, she went into outer space, and only then she got married.

There is a nudist beach in Odessa! Women there sunbathe topless!
- Remember, boy! A woman without a top is a man!

Women in Rus' quite often and lingeringly howled, depending on the situation, it was called either a song or “shut up!”.

Women are like a clock with a fight - if you do not start, then they will not beat.

Women are strange creatures! They cover up bruises under the eyes... and paint them over the eyes.

For some reason, absolutely all men like beautiful women. But for some reason, not a single beautiful woman likes absolutely all men.

Dear women! Contact our marriage agency. We have over 10,000 men in our database. Vip offer - rich men who will die soon.

A real woman should do three things in her life, and not get hung up like a fool on a fur coat.

Why do women marry men and divorce with goats?

If a woman stutters about gifts, take her to a speech therapist.

Just think about how much easier it is for a woman in this life: some pair of extra chromosomes, and you are already being carried in your arms! And this ability to get drunk with one bottle of beer?

At all times there was an ideal of a woman, but men always agreed on one thing: a good woman is a naked woman!

A group of logically thinking women invented a perpetual motion machine, after which they attached it to a washing machine with the words: “Well, let it be so for now, but then we’ll see.”

Arguing with a woman is like going to the dentist. Or it hurts a lot. Or expensive.

I learned that there are more women on earth than men!
- So what?
- Like what? What if it's a war? They will defeat us!

Yes, no matter how much you feed a woman, she still needs to lose weight!

Why is the desire of a woman - the law, and the desire of a man - an article?

The process of losing weight in women is tantamount to the thought process of George W. Bush. Painful, very energy-consuming and ineffectual.

What are you doing, woman? Get out! And may Allah extend your legs!

Where men look: 90% of women are sure that "Prelude" is a piano!

Hello! Between this and then...
Ladies and girlfriends!
I'm sober as a pig today.
I wanted a few words
whisper in your ear,
So that husbands do not hear.
-
Let in the spring, we are somewhere
Lost more often...
Darlings, forgive this sin!
We'll be after the summer
With your offal-
Very monogamous, (and for everyone).
-
Do you know?! in the spring
We are poets at heart.
You give - I would tell you
In autumn and winter
Joy and light
To our prickly eyes.
-
We are not rude at all!
We can't do without you!
You are the source of life on earth!
Don't forget, ladies
Congratulate us too:
* In May,
** On father's day,
*** And in February.

Dear, what will you give me on March 8?
- I'll fuck you.
- And if I do not want?
- Well, you'll be like a fool, without a gift!

Twice a year, on March 8 and September 1, Russia celebrates a professional holiday - the Day of the Flower Speculator.

Russian extreme: To say on March 8 to the traffic cops who stopped the car: "Hi, girls, happy holiday to you!"

Resin, like a tear, on logs,
Evening mysterious light.
There are women in Russian villages,
And in other villages they are not.
Go to the villages of TAHITI, the villages of South Africa, SRI LANKA,
Go to the villages of CANADA - everywhere there are only men.
There are no women in the villages of FLORIDA, there are no women in the villages of MALI.
And even in the snows of ANTARCTIA, not a single one has yet been found.
.. Fires are burning in TEXAS, but no one is shouting:
"Ahti! Vasya is there! There
Ahti! Vasya is there! My drunk Vasya is there!" - enter the burning hut. ...
A man from Gascony got drunk - and take the horses and "cuckoo".
Who? Who will stop you, horses, IN GASCONY at full gallop?!
Cataclysms shake the planet to the joyful howl of a crow.
No women, you hear NO!
- In the villages of her gloomy.
And we are here such and such, we are all looking for the answer to the question:
Why, they say, is there such an amazing demand for women from RUSSIA?

*****************
What gifts do we expect from men?
I found these numbers online:
1. sea of ​​flowers - ordered by 31% of respondents
2. romantic trip - 24%
3. marriage proposal - 14%
4. sober husband - 10%
5. something very expensive and beautiful - 6%
6. children's achievements - 6%
7. spouse's consent to divorce - 4%
8. postcard or souvenir
9. postcard or souvenir made by the hands of a child -3%
10. perfume bottle - 2%

I HAVE A HOLIDAY TODAY
COOLER HE THAN NEW YEAR.
IN THE MORNING YOU GIVEN ME TO BED
GREAT COMPOTE.
I DID NOT FIND COFFEE IN THE KITCHEN.
HE IS ON THE SHELF WHERE IT IS ALWAYS.
YOU CAN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.
HOWEVER, THIS IS A SHIT.

YOU POURED COMPOTE INTO A GLASS
WITH SHCHERBINKA ON THE SIDE.
DID NOT FIND, YOU SAID, CUPS.
THIS I CAN UNDERSTAND.
I DID NOT WORK YESTERDAY
HIDE EVERYTHING THAT IS SORRY TO BEAT.
TO TODAY THE MOST GOOD
AND TO BE TOLERABLE.

HALF A GLASS OF COMPOTE
ON THE BED YOU SPLASHED.
DON'T WORRY DEAR WHAT YOU
GIVE ME A GLASS ASAP.
I DRINK IT WITH A SMILE,
WITH THANKS DOPYU.
AND FOR A NEW SHEETS
I WILL KILL SOMETHING THEN.

DID YOU FRY AN EGG?!?!!!
DIRECTLY IF I AM IN HEAVEN?
LET IT WITH A SHELL,
I WILL GET IT.
OH, WHAT IS THIS? MIMOSA?
WHEN DID YOU MAKE IT?
AH, YESTERDAY? AND CLEARLY HID IT?
WANTED TO SURPRISE ME?

WHERE DID YOU HOLD IT?
YES-huh? IN A SUIT YOUR DAY OFF?
NOT FOR WHAT YOU HAVE GUESSED!
(I WILL CLEAN ON THE WEEKEND.)
WILL YOU CLEAN ALL THE DISHES YOURSELF?
TWO PLATES? BAM! ONE.
DO NOT WORRY IT'S OKAY.
BROOM OUT STANDS, IN THE CORNER

WHAT ARE YOU NICE TODAY,
JUST WANT TO SHOW.
GOING TO? TO VISIT MOM?
CAN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!
mother-in-law - MOTHER? THIS IS GREAT!
I DIDN'T DARE TO DREAM.
IT IS NOT NEEDED TO BE CARRIED ON HANDS,
BETTER HOLD BY THE HAND.

I DID NOT FIND ONE TIME
SMILE FULLY.
DID NOT SAY ANY "INFECTION",
NEITHER "ARMLESS", NOR "FREAK".
IT'S GOOD THAT THE HOLIDAY IS WOMEN'S
DID NOT DECIDE TO EXTEND.
IT'S REALLY IMPOSSIBLE
LONG TO STAND THIS

Eight March cutting

***
March. Eighth. Thaw.
Uncle face...
It's good to be an aunt!
So many savings!

***
Great at work Eight March!
But the husband and son, asking about dinner in the evening,
Remind me that I am a wife and mother.
Not just any "woman".

***
Stepping with your sinful foot
On the slippery path of debauchery and excitement,
You risk going to hell, dear.
And there, in hell - always the eighth of March!!!

***
Give me a basket of hydrangeas
Read a verse from an ancient poet ...
Eight March list of claims
Maybe even wider than usual!

***
international women's day
We are satisfied not so much...
There's a chance we'll find happiness
International Women's Night!

***
I plan the fourth salad.
I met Women's Day with dignity.
I am a soldier, a real soldier.
Congratulate me on the twenty-third...

***
In vain we dressed up for the holiday,
The table was covered with sweets ...
Our guys were delayed -
Measured by bouquets.

***
Twelve. The chime has stopped.
Goodbye March 8th! Sorry to tears
That my prince turned into a pumpkin again
And firmly rooted deep into the sofa.

March 8 - every man can honestly admit: "Today is not my day!"
***
March 8. The husband decided to prepare a holiday for his wife - he laid a chic table, cleaned everything, took out the garbage and is waiting for his wife. March 9 - no wife, March 10 - still no. March 11 is a drunken wife. The husband yells: "Yes, if I had a machine gun, I would have shot you, and if I had a knife, I would have stabbed you!!!" Wife: "You better zabad me ..."
***
March 8 - International Day of Friends of the Defenders of the Fatherland!
***
The boy approaches his father and asks:
- Dad, why is March 8 marked in red on the calendar?
The father replies with anguish in his voice:
- This is the color of our male blood, son!
***
- Finally, I got the suede coat that I had been dreaming about for a long time!
- Husband on the eighth of March gave?
- No, I shaved my mink coat!
***
March 8 is the day when even the most intelligent men spend their stash in the most stupid way.
***
- When you bring lovers home, then at least clean up the traces after them. Whose tie is this?!
- Have you forgotten? This is my gift to you on February 23rd, but whose lipstick is this?
- And this is my gift to you on March 8th!
***
- Expensive!!! What to give you on March 8?
- Oh, I don't even know...
"Then I'll give you one more year to think about it."
***
A man came to the store to buy a gift for March 8th. The saleswoman asks:
- To you for the wife or it is more expensive?
***
On the eve of the women's holiday, the players of Moscow Spartak, having lost 0-1 to Arsenal, made a huge gift to Russian women. Now, neither on March 7 nor on March 8, their men simply could not talk about football!
***
Crocodile Gena says to Cheburashka:
- I look at you, Cheburashka, and I don’t know: whether to congratulate you on February 23, or on March 8?
***
March 8 is practically the only day when a woman agrees with everything that is said about her.
***
African toast: "For women, in the shadow of which we feel so good!"
***
The men are sitting in the sauna, in the rest room, poured vodka. Just as they were about to say a toast and clink glasses, the cell phone rings. One of them answers the call:
- Yes, dear ... what? Did you like the diamond ring? For fifteen hundred? Dollars? Just? Hy of course, take it, dear ...
They were about to clink glasses again, when the phone rang again. The same man replies:
- What, dear? Did you like the coat? From a mink? For 20 thousand dollars? Just? Do you like it? Hy, of course, take it, dear! ...
... Again they gathered to clink glasses, and the mobile phone rang again ... Again the same man answers:
- Yes, dear ... Mercedes? Six hundredth? Under the color of the stone in the ring? Only 100 thousand dollars? Hy, of course, take it, dear!
Hanging up the pipe, he addresses his comrades around him:
- Guys, take this phone somewhere! Some pidypok forgot, and I'm responsible for him!
***
A Chukchi rides in a tram. Driver: - Next stop "March 8th"... Chukchi: - Oh fight, but it's impossible before...!?
***
If you don’t know what to give your wife on March 8, finally disassemble the Christmas tree!
***
The ideal wife is a woman who was born on March 8th and whom you met and married on March 8th. And it's not just savings on gifts! Let him just try to ask someday: "Darling, have you forgotten what day it is today?"
***
From a friend's conversation:
- I'm so unhappy, already the fifth husband and again a cuckold.
***
In honor of March 8, the famous climber Pyotr Skalolazov dedicated the conquest of a new peak to his wife. As always, she was the first to congratulate him on his victory, reaching the summit a few hours earlier.
***
As you meet on February 23, so you will spend March 8. old folk wisdom
***
One man on March 8 woke up early, cooked breakfast, woke up the family, fed, sent for a walk, washed the dishes, started washing, started a grand festive dinner, cooked it, washed it, met the family, set the table, washed the dishes, dried it, ironed it, cooked it, fed, checked the lessons, washed, washed, laid, sewn, fell, took cover, huddled against the wall, lies and thinks:
- Is it going to start climbing? Really, Lord?
***
Economic miracle!!! The Uryupinsk canning factory was revived thanks to a brilliant idea - the production of "lip-rolling machines" for the holiday of MARCH 8.
***
Husband and wife wake up on the morning of March 8th. Wife stretching sweetly:
- Oh, what a wonderful dream I saw! As if you gave me a diamond necklace on March 8th! What would that mean?
Husband kissing her
- Wait, you'll find out in the evening! In the evening, the wife ran home from work early, set the table, put a bubble, lit candles... The husband comes and hands her a beautiful box tied with a bow. She opens it and sees the book "The Interpreter of Dreams".
***
Happiness is when on March 8th you manage to congratulate only those women who deserve it.
***
Ukraine. Early morning. Kitchen. Husband and wife drink coffee. Wife (in a soft voice):
- Honey, have you forgotten that March 8 is coming soon?
Husband (choking on coffee):
- Shaw, AGAIN???!!!

If I were a girl. Edward Uspensky

If I were a girl
I wouldn't waste my time!
I wouldn't jump on the street
I would wash my shirts
I would wash the floor in the kitchen,
I would sweep the room
I would wash cups, spoons,
I'd peel the potatoes myself
All my own toys
I would put it in place!
Why am I not a girl?
I would love to help my mom!
Mom would have said:
"Well done, son!"