How to increase self-esteem for a man: practical recommendations and advice from a psychologist. Improper upbringing in the family

• • Self-assessment functions and their role
• • "Symptoms" of low self-esteem
• • Signs of “healthy” (high) self-esteem
• • Reason #1. Family upbringing mistakes
  • Reason number 2. Frequent failures in childhood
  • Reason number 3. Lack of clear life goals and passions
  • Reason number 4. Negative social environment
  • Reason number 5. Health problems and flaws in appearance
• • Method number 1. Change the environment and try to communicate more with successful people
  • Method number 2. Attending special trainings, seminars and other events
  • Method number 3. Don't be afraid to take unusual actions
  • Method number 4. Let go of too much self-criticism
  • Method number 5. Sports and healthy lifestyle
  • Method number 6. Regular listening to affirmations
  • Method number 7. Keep a diary of personal successes and achievements
• 9. Conclusion

What is the essence and importance of the concept of "self-esteem". “The most important thing is how you see yourself.” This statement is the true truth, it is almost impossible not to agree with it.

Indeed, any victory, from the most insignificant to a brilliant triumph, is undoubtedly the result of the fact that at a certain stage of his life a person absolutely sincerely believed in himself, correctly assessed his own significance, gained firm faith in the strength of his capabilities.

In this article you will learn:

• What is self-esteem?
• How to increase self-esteem and self-confidence? And how to develop it?
• Does self-esteem affect human behavior?

We will also discuss how most people evaluate themselves and how the course of their lives depends on their sense of self.

Boost Your Confidence - 7 Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem

1. What is self-esteem: definition and its impact on our lives

Self-esteem - this is the opinion of the individual about the importance and significance of his own personality relative to other people, as well as his assessment of personal qualities - shortcomings and advantages.

Undoubtedly, for the full-fledged harmonious functioning of a person in a social environment, an objective self-assessment is necessary.

Without a healthy sense of self and understanding of the value of one's own personality, a person's achievement of many life goals - success in society, career growth and advancement, sufficient self-realization, material prosperity, harmony in the family circle, spiritual well-being - becomes completely impossible. (Read also the article - and money in your life, there you will find all the popular ways to attract money)

Self-assessment functions and their role

Self-assessment performs the following functions:

• Protective- guarantees a certain independence of the individual from outside opinion;
• Regulatory- provides an opportunity to solve problems of personal preference;
• Educational- initiates an impetus to the improvement of the individual.

In the early stages of the formation of self-esteem, of course, it is of paramount importance assessment of the child's personality those around them - primarily parents, as well as educators and teachers, friends and peers.

Under ideal conditions, self-esteem should be determined only by the individual's own opinion of himself, but in society this is impossible. A person is in constant psychological interaction with other people, and, therefore, his formation as a person and the formation of his self-esteem are influenced by countless factors.

According to psychologists and experts, perfect self-esteem –it is an extremely accurate and correct assessment of a person's own abilities. This is extremely important!

After all, if self-esteem is underestimated, then it forces a person to constantly doubt the choice of a particular decision, to think for a long time, be afraid and, often, make the wrong choice. But too high self-esteem, on the contrary, leads to the fact that a person’s decisions are unjustifiably bold, sometimes even bold, do not correspond to the potential of his capabilities, and this also leads to committing a huge number of gross life mistakes.

Nevertheless, more often psychologists are faced with the problem of underestimating a person of his strengths and capabilities. Such a person is completely unable to reveal his potential properly, while he is absolutely unaware of where his problem lies, makes more and more mistakes due to constant self-doubt, and does not understand at all how to raise self-esteem. Due to the constant feeling of the meaninglessness of their existence, people with low self-esteem are often unsuccessful, poor, unhappy.

One of the most common pathological manifestations of low self-esteem is inferiority complex .

2. Learn to respect and love yourself - this is immensely important!

Raising self-esteem means learning to respect yourself, to love yourself, i.e. accept yourself exactly as you are, with all your flaws and vices. It is in order to understand how to gain self-confidence and develop it that we wrote this article, since confidence and self-esteem are closely intertwined.

How to become self-confident? How to develop confidence?

It has long been known that ideal people simply do not exist. We all have flaws. But a person who is self-confident differs from a constantly vacillating, indecisive and insecure person in that he notices not only his shortcomings, but also remembers the merits, which every person also probably has. In addition, a self-confident person is undoubtedly able to present himself favorably in society.

If you do not love yourself, who else will take on such a responsibility? How can other people love you? There is an interesting psychological phenomenon - consciously and subconsciously people always strive for contacts and communication with self-confident persons. It is these people who are most often preferred as business partners, friends, and life partners.

If you tend to doubt yourself and blame yourself for every little thing, you yourself automatically program yourself for further failures, failures and make the decision-making process even more difficult.

Learn to finally notice your virtues, remember your achievements Don't hesitate to praise yourself once again. Forgive yourself for small failures and troubles, love and respect yourself - and soon you will notice how the attitude of others around you will change.

Self-esteem and self-confidence are very important characteristics when applying for a job. Therefore, we also recommend reading the article - when applying for a job "

"Symptoms" of low self-esteem

A person with low self-esteem often exhibits symptoms such as:

• excessive self-criticism, constant dissatisfaction with oneself;
• excessive susceptibility to criticism of other people, strong dependence on the judgments and opinions of others;
• an irresistible desire to please people, to always be something useful;
• a pronounced fear of making a mistake, slowness and a tendency to endless doubts when making a significant decision;
• inexplicable jealousy, irresistible envy of the success of others;
• hidden hostility to others;
• the mood for a permanent defensive position, the need to explain and justify the decisions made and the actions taken all the time;
• pessimism, negativism, a tendency to see oneself and everything around in gloomy tones;

A person with low self-esteem often perceives temporary difficulties and minor life failures as permanent, and makes appropriate negative and, remarkably, wrong conclusions regarding existing potential and future opportunities.

The worse we perceive ourselves, the less we respect ourselves, the more negative the attitude of the people around us towards us. And this will inevitably lead to alienation, detachment and isolation, and consequently - a tendency to depression and many other psycho-emotional disorders.

3. Self-confidence and high self-esteem is an essential factor in achieving success in life!

Some people consider selfishness to be a sin, or at least something negative that is best avoided.

But in reality, a person's lack of self-love and lack of self-respect is precisely the source of countless complexes and many internal conflicts.

If a person has a low opinion of himself, the people around him will never have a different point of view about him. And vice versa - people with sufficient self-esteem are usually highly valued by others: their opinion is always authoritative and weighty, their interests are taken into account, they seek to cooperate, make acquaintances, build friendships or create a family with them.

Thus, having learned to respect ourselves, we will certainly gain the respect of others, and, in addition, we will learn to be sober about the opinions of others about us.

Signs of “healthy” (high) self-esteem

People with good self-esteem have the following positive characteristics:

• Accept, love and respect their appearance as it is. And if they look for any shortcomings, they sensibly strive to overcome them;
• They do not question their strength, they are aimed at success and future victories;
• They are not afraid to take risks, make bold decisions, are more prone to active actions than to reflection, are not afraid to make mistakes and draw appropriate conclusions, learn from them;
• Cold-bloodedly perceive the criticism of others, calmly treat compliments;
• They know how to communicate with people with high quality, are always interested in their opinion and are not afraid to express their own, do not experience shyness, insecurity and embarrassment when communicating with previously unfamiliar people;
• With due respect for the opinions of other people, but always have and, if necessary, can defend and defend their own point of view;
• Take care of the health of their body and maintain a positive emotional well-being;
• Strive for self-development, continuous self-improvement, constant acquisition of new impressions, knowledge, experience;
• They are not inclined to concentrate their attention and dwell on the negative for a long time in case of any failure or failure.

Strong self-confidence and sufficient self-respect- the same indispensable factors for achieving success in life and human happiness, as water and the sun for the growth of plants. Without them, the progress of the individual is impossible. After all, low self-esteem completely deprives a person of any prospect and even the slightest hope for the future. positive changes .

4. Factors of low self-esteem - 5 main reasons

We know an immense number of factors that directly or indirectly affect the formation of our sense of self. A small role is given to genetic characteristics and hereditary predisposition, but environmental factors still have a decisive influence to a much greater extent.

Let's analyze the five most common reasons for a person to develop low self-esteem.

Reason #1. Family upbringing mistakes

As you know, each of us comes from childhood. And, oddly enough, many of our complexes and negative blocks of our consciousness also come from there. From the upbringing of a child in childhood, his future life directly depends. After all, it is in childhood that parents form those “rules” by which a person will live in the future, those “filters” through which he will evaluate what is happening around.

Therefore, the way you raise your child today - a direct mirror image of what kind of person you will get tomorrow. Believe me, the best, most important and valuable thing that a mother and father can do for the good of their children is to teach them to love themselves, to develop in them the proper level of self-respect.

Self-esteem of the future personality begins its formation in early childhood. At an early age, a child cannot yet objectively evaluate the results of his actions and actions on his own; therefore, the main source for the formation of his opinion about himself is the immediate environment, i.e. most often parents.

For a small child, parents are his whole world. If the parents are kind enough to him, his subconscious will form the installation " good world”, - a small person will be positively tuned.

If parents in childhood never encourage their children, but on the contrary, they scold, constantly reproach and punish, the child simply will not have any foundation for developing self-love - the soil on which confidence in his abilities could form will be destroyed. We in no way call for connivance, but if you wish the best for your children, learn to notice not only their mistakes, but also their achievements. And be sure to pay them not only your attention, but also the attention of the child. If the baby constantly hears from you: “you are clumsy, awkward, stupid, etc. - this will certainly be deposited in his children's subconscious, and will leave its negative imprint on the development of the future personality.

Under no circumstances should you constantly compare and contrast your child with other children. Every person without exception it's individuality . Comparing a child with someone, we infringe him as a person from childhood, we contribute to the development of an inferiority complex in him.

If a child hears too many prohibitions in childhood, endless " No" And " it is forbidden”, - he is already potentially doomed to an unsuccessful life, low income, few friends in the future.

To a sharp decrease in self-esteem and a breakdown in confidence in one's own abilities, words and deeds, the endless criticism of parents of any initiatives, first undertakings and actions affects. Any positive initiative in childhood should certainly be encouraged! After all, even years later, being an adult for a long time, a person who was often criticized in childhood subconsciously still continues to be afraid of the same criticism, condemnation of others, and mistakes. Parents, and teachers, caregivers, coaches, must know how to raise self-esteem and self-esteem for a child who suffers from indecision, doubts and uncertainty .

Best Method- praise, unobtrusive encouragement. Sometimes it is enough to praise the child several times from the heart for a correctly completed homework, a beautifully drawn drawing, a verse recited with an expression, and his self-esteem will certainly increase.

Do not forget that the center of the world for a child is his family. It is you who are the authors of the foundation of the core of the future personality. Passivity, lack of initiative, apathy, indecision, uncertainty and many other negative traits are a direct reflection of family, primarily parental, suggestions, attitudes, and incorrect models of education. As a rule, self-esteem is higher among the only children in families and among the first-born. For others, the “little brother complex” is common, which occurs when parents endlessly resort to comparing a younger child with an older one.

According to many psychologists , a family that is impeccable for laying a good self-esteem - one where the mother is always calm, balanced and in a good mood, and the father is moderately demanding, fair and has undeniable authority.

Reason number 2. Frequent failures in childhood

It is not unknown that our life is changeable and multifaceted, in it success alternates with bad luck, white stripes with black ones, victories with defeats. At some point, absolutely everyone will face life challenges. turmoil, malfunctions, banal failure.

No one is immune from all this, besides, it contributes to the emergence of life experience, the development of willpower, the formation of character. But undoubtedly important is our own attitude to the experienced misfortunes. And they can injure the child especially strongly, since the strength of character in him has not yet been finally formed.

Any experienced negative event can affect the vulnerable psyche of the child in the form of a lifelong guilt complex and a decline in self-esteem.

For example Sometimes children reproach themselves for the divorce of their parents or their endless quarrels, and then the children's guilt is modified into continuous doubts and inability to make a decision.

In childhood, entirely and completely harmless, from the position of an adult, events often acquire universal proportions.

Eg, having won a silver rather than a gold medal in sports, an adult athlete will take a break and continue training even more stubbornly, and a child may break down, get psychological trauma and complexes for the rest of his life, especially if parents And trainer do not show a proper understanding of the situation.

What fuels low self-esteem in childhood? Failures and mistakes, ridicule of classmates, reckless remarks of adults, especially parents, criticism of teachers. As a result, a teenager has the wrong idea that he is bad, unlucky, inferior, unlucky, doomed to negativity in advance, and an erroneous feeling of guilt arises for his thoughts, decisions, actions.

Reason number 3. Lack of clear life goals and passions

If you do not have clear goals that you would like to achieve, positive aspirations, and do not even try to change something for the better, do not make any volitional efforts, then your life will continue to be boring and bleak, gray and monotonous.

Often, people who underestimate themselves live “according to the pattern”, half-heartedly “on autopilot”. They have long been accustomed to gray tones, an inconspicuous "mouse" lifestyle, a complete lack of fresh impressions and picturesque colors - and there is absolutely no desire to get out of an established quagmire. Over time, these lethargic people stop even properly looking after their appearance, resign themselves to a small income, stop dreaming and craving for something more. Of course, self-esteem in this case is not only low, but completely absent.

Growing up, a person becomes passive and apathetic, and then he shifts all the problems and troubles to his wife (husband) when he starts a family.

There is only one conclusion: for such a person there is simply a burning need - to increase self-esteem. Otherwise, his life will continue to be painted exclusively in gloomy tones, until he himself makes tremendous efforts to change his life and, most importantly, himself.

Reason number 4. Negative social environment

Science has proven the existence of mirror neurons - unusual brain cells that tend to become activated not only during the performance of a specific action, but also when observing the performance of this action by others. Thus, gradually we become to some extent similar to those who make up our inner circle.

If there are people around you without certain aspirations and specific life goals, who are in a stable spiritual suspended animation, where will you get the craving for internal modifications.

High self-esteem and healthy ambitions are possible only where there are role models. If people around you boring, passive, lack of initiative, got used to the gray and inconspicuous life "in the shadows", then it is quite likely that such an existence will absolutely suit you.

If you notice that everyone around you endlessly complains about life, constantly gossip, condemn others or slander, you need to try cross off these people from the inner circle by all available means. After all, in fact, they can be an obstacle to improving your creative potential and achieving your success.

Reason number 5. Health problems and flaws in appearance

Low self-esteem is often characteristic of children and adolescents with defects in appearance or congenital diseases.

Even if parents behave correctly, carefully and tactfully in relation to a child who has health problems, then peers will probably still leave a negative mark on his sense of self.

Common situation- overweight children, who are often made fun of in the children's team, give them various nicknames, often offensive. In this case, catastrophically low self-esteem cannot be avoided if the necessary measures are not taken in a timely manner.

Of course, it is worth trying, if possible, to eliminate the existing imperfections. If this is not realistic, try to develop in a person other necessary qualities that would help him become more resilient, strong, charismatic, funny, capable and self-confident.

The world knows a lot of examples where people with irreparable physical disabilities and incurable diseases have achieved tremendous success, universal recognition, got good families and live the happiest life that many have not seen even in their dreams. (To list a few of them: Carrie Brown, Nick Vujicic, Jessica Long, etc.)

5. How to increase self-esteem and confidence - 7 ways to increase self-esteem

Let's learn to raise self-esteem, develop self-confidence and start loving ourselves! Fortunately, there are a lot of ways to awaken faith in one's own strengths, but now let's dwell on seven of them, in our opinion, quite reliable and effective.

Method number 1. Change the environment and try to communicate more with successful people

If you drastically change your social circle and start contacting purposeful, successful, self-confident people, your life is guaranteed to change for the better very quickly.

Little by little you will regain your sense of self. dignity, self-respect, determination, courage, self-love, i.e. all those personal qualities, without which it is impossible achieving success in life .

Associating with prosperous and successful people, you will begin to appreciate your own individuality, you will become more careful in using your personal time, you will certainly find a life purpose, and you will certainly achieve success on your own.

Method number 2. Attending special trainings, seminars and other events

In any city, various events, specialized trainings and seminars are held for everyone, where psychologists help people become more self-confident and raise self-esteem.

Good specialists with experience in such work in the shortest possible time will be able to turn a timid, clumsy, indecisive person into a strong, strong-willed, self-satisfied and purposeful person. Main- have a sincere desire and tune in to the upcoming positive changes.

If you still do not want to resort to outside help, but are determined to deal with the problem on your own, you should read the following literature:

• Brian Tracy "Self-Esteem";
• Andelin Helen "The Charm of the Feminine"
• etc. (there is a lot of similar literature on the Internet)

Method number 3. Don't be afraid to take unusual actions

It is human nature to run away from problems and hide in the zone of habitual own comfort. This is quite understandable. It is much easier in difficult situations to calm yourself by eating a mountain of sweets, a lot of alcohol, or just sit at home in an armchair and feel sorry for yourself, savoring your own impotence. It is many times more difficult to adequately accept the challenge and accomplish something absolutely not characteristic of you before.

At first it will seem to you that outside the comfort zone is an unusual, hostile, alien and unwelcoming world, but then you will understand that real life, full of bright colors , unforgettable adventures and positive emotions, is located just where you have not been yet.

The constant presence in familiar conditions resembles life in a kind of invisible cage, from which you are afraid to leave only because you are used to it and do not know what awaits you outside it.

When you manage to leave "comfort zone" and at the same time remain calm, collected and balanced, you will receive a strong incentive to increase self-esteem and create a new, more attractive image.

No one is asking you to start with global change. For starters, for example, instead of returning from work to watch a long boring boring series, visit the gym or visit old friends.

Set a goal- to learn an unfamiliar language in six months or to meet a pretty girl this evening. Don't be afraid of mistakes! If for the first time everything doesn’t turn out smoothly and perfectly, you are guaranteed a lot of new impressions and an increase in self-esteem.

Method number 4. Let go of too much self-criticism

Stop finally engaging in self-flagellation, focusing on the negative, blaming yourself for mistakes made inadvertently, not an ideal appearance, another failure in your personal life. You will immediately feel much better!

You will not waste a lot of energy on self-criticism, and you will certainly find time and energy for other, more creative, necessary and worthy tasks.

Remember: whatever you are, you are the only unsurpassed, inimitable and unique person on this vast planet. Why endlessly compare yourself to others? Try to focus better on achieving the necessary goals, reconsider your potential and your personal idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhappiness.

Open your eyes to the positive qualities of your personality. Find your strengths and constantly work to improve them.

Finally, from any failures of the past, experienced disappointments and mistakes once made, one can withdraw an invaluable benefit, the name of which is worldly wisdom and life experience.

Method number 5. Sports and healthy lifestyle

It is known that one of the simplest and most effective methods to increase self-esteem is to actively engage in sports, dance, physical education or other activities focused on improving health and self-esteem. It is no secret that a healthy body has always been known as a receptacle for a healthy spirit and pure thoughts.

Going in for sports, a person begins to perceive his appearance less critically and automatically respect himself more. Moreover, improving self-esteem does not at all depend on the results of training: even if the changes are minimal, the activity itself, the process of training, is important.

The more energetic your workouts, the more you will begin to appreciate yourself. The presented phenomenon has an explanation from the point of view of biochemistry: during intensive sports, special substances are produced in the human body - dopamines- so-called. happy hormones.

Method number 6. Regular listening to affirmations

affirmation - this is a short verbal formula, which, with frequent repetition, forms a positive attitude in the human subconscious.

It is this attitude that further leads to the transformation of character traits and personality traits for the better. Now affirmations are considered by psychologists as one of the most effective ways of reprogramming a person's consciousness.

These verbal formulas are always voiced as a fact that has already come true, which makes a person perceive them as something inevitable, something that will inevitably happen in any case.

If our own subconscious considers us strong, successful, And purposeful, then little by little we really will definitely become such.

Main condition when using the linguistic miracle formula - strict regularity.

Method number 7. Keep a diary of personal successes and achievements

Sometimes a diary of your own victories and achievements you have created can help raise your self-esteem. This method is especially popular among women.

Be sure to get such a diary and enter there data about everything that you have achieved for day, week, month. This is truly a powerful tool that will make you believe in yourself and boost your self-esteem.

Let every day his records be replenished with information about your victories, even very insignificant ones! And don't forget to read it regularly.

Use these methods regularly and then your self-esteem will be quite normal, your life will begin to improve, material problems will move to another level. By the way, do not forget to read: "", because without these recommendations it is impossible to gain financial independence.

6. Fight against dependence on public opinion

If you attach too much importance to the opinions of others, you are potentially dooming yourself to failure.

Of course, really kind, objective and constructive criticism, pointing out your specific mistakes and getting from reliable people who can actually be trusted, is very helpful and will help you develop and improve relentlessly. But excessive dependence on other people's views - this is a huge mistake.

Value your own opinion, have your own point of view, do only what you think is necessary, and not someone else. Do not attach colossal importance to other people's words! No one but you knows your true desires, goals, needs and cannot judge what is good for you and what is not. If you want to do something new and different, the question “what will people say to this” should never stop you.

Don't be afraid to pursue your dream and don't dwell on the consequences.

7. How to learn to manage your self-esteem and find yourself - 5 useful tips

Here are five important tips to help you manage your self-esteem:

1. Don't compare yourself to other people It's completely useless and stupid. It makes sense to compare only “myself in the past” and “myself now”, and in this case, you need to focus only on positive changes;
2. Don't criticize yourself tirelessly, better remind yourself of a list of your positive qualities, achievements and victories (even the tiniest ones);
3. Hang out with fun, positive people;
4. Do more of what you enjoy;
5. Think less! Do more!

Never forget that you are a most interesting outstanding person with a grandiose potential of unlimited possibilities. And only the development of good self-esteem is a reliable way to bring out your many abilities and talents to the fullest.

8. Self-esteem test - determine your level of attitude towards yourself

Answer the questions "yes" or "no" and then count the number of positive and negative answers.

1. *Do you often berate yourself for past mistakes?
2. * Do you like to gossip with friends, discuss your mutual acquaintances?
3. * Do you have any goals and clear plans for your future life?
4. * Are you into sports?
5. * Do you often worry and worry about trifles?
6. *When you're in a new company, don't you like to be "in the spotlight"?
7. *When meeting a person of the opposite sex, do you find it difficult to maintain a conversation?
8. *Does someone else's criticism upset you?
9. * Do you tend to envy the success of others?
10. * Are you easily hurt, offended by a careless word?

So, if you have:
From 1st to 3rd affirmative answers, - our congratulations, you have good , "healthy" self-esteem.
More than 3"yes" answers: your self-esteem underestimated. Work on it for sure.

9. Conclusion

Now you know that believing in your own strength, not being afraid to take risks, not attaching importance to criticism of the environment and soberly assessing your own talents is entirely possible and not at all difficult. Main- a sincere, genuine desire to change and a willingness to work on oneself.

You can believe in anything, hope for a miracle, God's help, good luck or a happy accident, but never forget that the most important thing is BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!

Realizing this, you, without any exaggeration, can radically change your whole life.

The only way to realize who you are is to find what suits you.

Talking about relationship problems reduces the fear of abandonment.

You are always trying to guess what the norm is. It is important for people with low self-esteem to know and understand that the concept of "normality" does not exist. It is more effective to ask yourself the question: what is really important to you? What is important to your family? The challenge isn't to guess what's normal for you, but to figure out what works best for you and your loved ones.

The first step in overcoming any bad habit is to recognize it. Just watch yourself. Instead of engaging in self-judgment, try to get to know yourself by analyzing how you behave. When a person begins to look at himself honestly and without judgment, can separate himself from his behavior, he is able to change, develop and grow.

Feelings can't be right or wrong, they just are. If we consider our feeling wrong, then guilt is added to it, and this makes the situation even worse. The anger you feel is real. If you decide that it is wrong to feel angry and that you should be compassionate instead, it will not help you. You cannot substitute one feeling for another.

It is impossible to completely overcome the feeling of loneliness, but there are ways to reduce it. First of all, you need to take the risk of opening up to others. The best way to get what you need is to start doing it yourself. If you want to be loved, first offer your love to other people. This is a risk - to be misunderstood, abandoned. But by avoiding risk, you doom yourself to loneliness. If you decide to take a risk, you have the opportunity to change. It's not enough to try once. Make a promise to yourself that every day you will have a little bit of communication with other people.

There is a good group exercise that shows that self-criticism is always very subjective. Participants sit in a circle, the task is to free themselves, in whole or in part, from those qualities that they no longer want to possess.

If someone likes the rejected qualities, he or she can appropriate them. Usually one participant says that he wants to get rid of his procrastination, and this quality does not have time to reach the center of the circle, as the other already says that he would like to take it, because, on the contrary, he is hyperactive. Someone else says, “I want to get rid of my guilt,” and immediately gets the answer: “I need some of your guilt. I feel too selfish."

This exercise demonstrates that our traits need to be studied. To what extent are they useful to us? How much do they interfere? Obviously, judging yourself and your shortcomings is not helpful. When you choose to be yourself, you get a lot more options.

An overreaction to a minor event—for example, friends canceling a meeting at the last minute—usually has to do with our past. Something similar has happened before - once or many times, usually in childhood. The first thing you should do is to clearly define when you start to overreact. How appropriate is your response to the circumstances? Is it worth it to react so sharply?

If these questions make you feel defensive, then you are indeed overreacting to the situation. The first step towards overcoming such reactions is to recognize their essence and understand what in your past caused them.

Another way is to consciously change your habits. Ask yourself how attached you are to your usual plans. Can you go home another way? Or go to the store on Wednesday instead of Thursday as usual? Can you change your plans without disorienting yourself? This is your chance to become more flexible. Flexibility in one area makes it possible to develop flexibility in other areas.

Analyze what kind of people are present in your life and what is the essence of your relationship with them. Do you receive from others as much as you give to them? To what extent are these people stronger or weaker than you? Perhaps if you objectively evaluate your environment, you will see that you give people more than you receive from them. Then you will have to change your social circle and maintain relationships only with those people who are capable of symmetrical relationships.

Perhaps this is because you yourself do not allow others to do something for you. You consider yourself strong enough to take care of yourself, but you should allow other people to participate in your life.

If you say to yourself day after day, “Why am I staying with this person? Why can't I give it all up?" - It is worth analyzing your relationships. People who do not deserve our loyalty are often very critical of us. They often talk about what is wrong with us. Be careful when you hear this - who is the person really talking about? Do these statements really apply to you, or is this person projecting their own shortcomings onto you?

Pain, sadness or anger can only belong to the one who experiences it. These feelings should not become yours, you can only show empathy and compassion. You may have been dragged into an unhealthy relationship by playing on guilt. If you are easily manipulated based on this feeling, you begin to think that you owe the other person something. “He was kind to me. He took care of me." Feeling guilty or indebted for these reasons is wrong. You don't owe people anything for supporting you. You are self-worth. If you feel responsible for being supported, you are saying, "I'm worthless."

You will gain self-confidence if you can solve the tasks that you have set for yourself. Tasks can be simple or complex, but you need to be sure that they are achievable. Not always everything works out. If something worked out - it's great and did not happen by chance, you deserve your success. Reward yourself for completed tasks. Always remember the things that you are good at. Don't ignore them. Use them as a foundation to become a whole person. If you didn’t succeed, you need to get out of this situation and try something new. It shouldn't devastate you.

about the author

Janet Voititz(1939-1994) was the first in the 80s to study the problems of children and relatives of alcoholics. The impetus was her husband's alcoholism. Woititz found that children of alcoholics and children who grew up in single-parent families, as well as families where one or both parents suffered from addictions and phobias, as a rule, grow up with low self-esteem and experience great difficulties in communicating with other people. Her book, Adult Children of Alcoholics, became a bestseller and helped launch a movement that has grown worldwide.

Instruction

The first advice for those who are thinking about increasing self-esteem and confidence: make time for yourself, plan for the future. If it constantly seems that the whole world is against it, you should listen to yourself. And before you put up with the world, you have to make peace with yourself. Most often, low self-esteem is the result of ignoring one's own desires, the lack of clear goals. Instead - blurry Manilovian dreams, "I want a billion or a necklace, like a movie actress."

You need to find time for yourself. Calmly consider what is really worth (and possible) to achieve. What does not suit you in the first place, what to get rid of. Then comes the understanding of how to do it. And then - planning, setting immediate and distant goals. And concrete, small, but systematic steps towards the goal.

Big goals are unattainable when a person is depressed. As the first, small goals, we can recommend the formation and consolidation of good habits. To regain self-confidence, increase self-esteem, you need to pay attention to the organization of your own life. Healthy sleep, daily routine, five-minute (but daily) exercises, rational nutrition are tools for more efficient human functioning. Banal, at first glance, advice can significantly improve well-being, there will be strength to achieve goals, time for personal growth.

It is unlikely that increasing self-esteem, personal growth, self-improvement are possible without intellectual development. Read books in your field, preferably translated ones. Try to develop your hobby, in the new century this hobby can become a second profession. Read classical literature, memoirs of worthy people who are authority for you.

A great way to disconnect from the constant negativity, digging into yourself is active recreation. It doesn't have to be mountain climbing or cross-country skiing. The main thing is that the rest is varied and new. This will allow you to change the situation and the familiar environment. For example: an interesting culinary master class, an author's tour of his native city, an exhibition of alternative art or a visit to the opera (especially if the theater was not in honor before). All participants of the master class, all visitors of the exhibition are in equal conditions. This will allow you to take your mind off the constant comparison of yourself with other people, take a big step towards increasing self-esteem and self-confidence.

Self-criticism is destructive, it will not help raise self-esteem. You can't beat yourself up all the time. The energy required for practical actions is expended. If a disgruntled voice habitually sounds in the head, it is urgent to appease the internal censor. We close his mouth as we close the faucet so that water does not leak.

Use meditation practices. Analyze your positive qualities in different areas: professional, family, emotional. Write them down on a small piece of paper and carry them with you. Skim through this list often. In a difficult situation, mentally list your pluses, this will help to gain self-confidence.

To set yourself up for tomorrow's performance (important conversation, interview), you can prepare a small individual mantra. A few affirmative phrases listing the best personal qualities and professional skills. Interesting motivational trainings to increase self-esteem and confidence can be found on the Internet.

Listen to yourself, analyze where the main flow of negativity comes from. Perhaps this person is internally indecisive, and therefore spreads this emotion around him. And further. Don't argue with fools. Their opinion hardly reflects reality. It is advisable to spend energy on your own development and achievement of specific individual results.

It is worth understanding that it is not very difficult to raise self-esteem and self-confidence. Numerous trainings on the Internet will help to do this, among them there are many high-quality and free ones. But the most important thing is to stabilize self-esteem (so that it does not decrease at all). Here you will have to seek help only from professional psychologists.

In any life situation, a person needs to believe in himself. For example, at work, at home among friends, or even going on vacation, buying last-minute tours and relaxing on the beach - it is not always possible to cope with your own self-esteem, from which in the end we may not get a good result. But in fact, increasing self-esteem is not difficult and quite real, only it can take time.

Here are a few tips to help you:

1. Never compare yourself to others.

All people are different from each other and each has different qualities and abilities. And if you compare yourself with someone else, then you can always find many opponents who will be impossible to surpass or achieve their results.

2. Never berate yourself.

Speaking negatively about themselves and their abilities, it will be impossible to achieve any results. It is better to praise yourself, even for the most insignificant action.

3. Thank you for the compliment addressed to you.

If you respond to a compliment with a phrase like: “yes, nothing special,” then you psychologically deny the praise and already in your subconscious mind you concentrate on the thought that you are not worthy of being praised. And this, in turn, greatly underestimates self-esteem.

4. Boost your self-esteem with various affirmations.

Place in the most visible place the phrases: “I will succeed”, “I deserve the best in life”, “I love myself” and the like. It may seem ridiculous at first, but over time you will notice as your self-esteem starts to rise.

5. Gather positive people around you.

Try to choose in your environment self-confident and positive-minded people who are able to support you at any moment. In a negative environment where you and your ideas will be suppressed, oh high self-esteem and there is nothing to say.

6. Write a list of your accomplishments.

You can start the list with the simplest, and at first glance, trifling. Do not initially look for monumental achievements in your life. A small success is also a success. How to raise self-esteem? And you can start, for example, by learning how to ride a bike, do exercises every morning, etc. This list will need to be reviewed and re-read often and at the same time try to remember and feel the emotions that you experienced.

7. Write down all your positive qualities.

And do not be too self-critical, on the contrary, a little flattery will only help to believe in yourself. Find at least 15 positive qualities in yourself. This list also needs to be read quite often.

8. If possible, do what you like.

It is quite difficult to maintain a positive mood and high self-esteem when a person is engaged in an unloved business and despises his work. Your self-esteem can only be raised by doing something that brings pleasure, makes you feel needed and even valuable.

9. Stay true to yourself.

That is, live your life without being based or relying on the opinions of other people, no matter who these people are: relatives, friends or work colleagues. Only by making decisions on your own, you can remain true to yourself and raise the level of self-esteem.

10. Act, act and act again!

And this is the most important advice. After all, sitting in one place, you will not change anything and will not be able to raise your self-esteem. In inaction due to fear or other reason, a person begins to fall into apathy or depression, which will in itself lead to a decrease in self-esteem. And by acting, even with insignificant results at the beginning, you gradually improve your attitude towards yourself and increase your self-esteem.