Playing with one goal on the theater stage. Playing with one goal: situations in sex that annoy everyone & nbsp

Hello. I am a student, I am 20 years old. My young man is also a student, he is 22. We both do not work. Everything seems to be fine, but I constantly cry for us. In a store, in transport, in a cafe. I understand that he has financial difficulties, but his girlfriends said that the man would "gnaw the earth" if everything was fine. I do not want to turn everything into commodity-money relations, but this has already become a habit. Now I am looking for a job, because I do not want to be a burden and sit on the neck of my parents. (They send me money to another city). He seems to be also looking for a job and says that everything will be fine and we will get back on our feet. But is this attitude normal now? I feel used. I can’t do it any other way, I’m worried that suddenly he will sit hungry. Now I fully pay for his one small health problem. What to do?

Psychologists Answers

Good afternoon Polina! You very correctly assess your feelings. You took responsibility for your relationship, for his health. Then who are you to him? In a relationship between a man and a woman, both partners are equal. Have you developed a relationship "mother" son. It is possible that you, Polina, are the eldest child in your parental family, he is the youngest child or the only one. The older children in the family are responsible not only for themselves, but also for the younger ones, and they pamper the younger ones. Over time, sexual relations do not deliver such pleasure as before and there are no desires. This is because having sex with your "mother" is not decent. At the beginning of a relationship, it’s great, because “forbidden fruit is sweet. In relationships between people there is a law of balance or balance "give-take". If this is not there, then discontent begins, conflicts and people part. Here we mean not only material things, but also care, attention, tenderness, love. Mutual desire to invest in relationships helps the couple stay together. Helping people only if if they asked me about it, and then in the case that it’s not expensive for me. Polina, try to mentally say to yourself: "I'm not his mother, I'm his girlfriend (common-law wife)."

We absorb the model of behavior with partners in our parental family and repeat them. This has a very big impact on us. Perhaps, Polina, in your parenting there is just such a relationship between parents. In this case, you need to consult a family system psychologist or constellator. Sincerely.

Galiyeva Rita Khusnutdinovna, psychologist Nizhnekamsk

Hello Polina.

Those. you are currently in the same conditions, as I understand it: you are a student, from a student, you are looking for a job, he is also in search, your parents send you money for living, he also does not live without money, someone also helps him. What prevents then to establish equal relations. If we go to a cafe or to the cinema, then we add up, or I pay for myself, and you pay for yourself. Then you won't have to puzzle over whether he uses me or not. If he has health problems, then why are you solving this problem for him? He has parents, has his own livelihood. You do it this way, at first I feel sorry for him and give him money, and then I blame him for this. It really interferes, I think, in relationships, makes them incomprehensible and interdependent, then dissatisfaction will accumulate and destroy them.

All the best,

Pabst Lyubov Veniaminovna, psychologist Dresden, Skype consultations

Polina, hello!

If you decide to write about this situation and ask a question, then it bothers you. Let's try to put the perspective of the relationship you've described.

At the moment, both you and your young man are students. The conditions seem to be the same. At the same time, you prefer to look for work and help your parents who provide for you. And your young man chooses a different strategy - he accepts support from his family and from you.

Usually people are not inclined to change the usual strategies in relationships. This means that in the future, in your relationship, you will be financially responsible.

Already now you write about how you feel used.

Try to calmly, without emotions and accusations, talk with a young man. Name your emotions and feelings without expressing them by raising your voice, etc. Set your "rules of the game". How important it is for you that these relationships develop.

Give the young person time to try to change his usual strategy, support him if he starts looking for a job, starts paying his bills, etc. After all, changing your habits is not easy.

But if he is not ready to change, then ask yourself: is this the relationship of your dreams? If not, don't waste the time of your life on something that doesn't suit you. Pity and sympathy - it's still not love ...

If you need help, please contact scype-consultation. I will gladly help you.

As a gift, I suggest listening to a short meditation on the website of the Rainbow of Happiness Development Center, which will help you turn on your internal resources to make the right decision.

Sincerely,

practical psychologist (Rostov-on-Don)

Kazimova R.A.

Kazimova Rimma Aleksandrovna, psychologist in Rostov-on-Don

Narcissism. One gate play.

My dear readers and admirers, do you know the scourge of 21st century society? Uh, not capitalism, not AIDS and not drugs. This narcissism(Googling the definition and signs - you will recognize your acquaintances among them - 100%). It so happened that such comrades surround me very tightly, no matter how you kick them, and they are drawn to me with an unknown magnetism. They sense in me a frantic vital energy, on which they have a direct moral erection. Therefore, I studied this species enough, and - alas - I continue to study.

So. One of the hallmarks of narcissists is an absolute inability to build relationships. Whether it's love, friendship, and even the relationship of work colleagues.

Moreover, the difficulties will be, mainly, with the victim of the narcissist, and not with him. He himself will have the only difficulty, which I will talk about later.

In fact, most narcissists don't feel they need to build relationships at all. They believe that their divine presence is enough in a relationship. And everything else must be completed by the partner. Based on the fact that he is not so beautiful and divine.

I like to explain many things using the example of children. Because the kids still have all their feelings wide open. Watching children, you can clearly see the disguised adult feelings and experiences.

So. Children love to play ball. Throw it to each other, kick each other, roll it. Yes, yes, I continue to argue that you can just give children a ball in an open field - and for them it will be a pleasure, no less than going to an amusement park with a decent amount of money.

And now - I notice - when one child flirts with the ball alone, the second begins to be perplexed, offended, capricious and demand to give the ball back. Because they agreed to play together, but in fact they play alone. It turns out even more interesting that the one who flirts looks at the first one in bewilderment and says: “Why are you arising? We play together. Here you are, here I am. Here is the ball. Well, why am I chasing him alone, tyk you are ... rejoice for me.

Here we have a classic narcissistic relationship.

There is only one problem with narcissists. They don't have a ball themselves. Those. there is no love, no support and care, no warmth and understanding. If they were, he could direct them to himself. But the daffodil is empty. Let's imagine that the parents do not buy the ball for this little poor fellow for their own reasons. They don’t buy, they don’t give, they don’t provide him with a ball at all.

And he wants to play (he wants love, warmth, tenderness, care). Therefore, the only option is to join the game with other guys.

And he joins. But rather quickly, the desire to satisfy the love hunger that has accumulated lately is felt in him, and he suddenly begins to fill the ball on the floor, throw it up and catch it, or throw it into the basketball basket countless times.

His partner in the game is perplexedly indignant: “We are playing together!”. And the narcissist does not understand the resentment and declares: “Yes, we are together. I'm so good at kicking a ball, look how good I am. And you will be patient - the ball is yours, you can always play it without me. Although - why now without me? Come play with me. I will play, and you will rejoice for me. It’s so nice to be happy for someone else, isn’t it?”

The second player is by no means a narcissist, and he meekly agrees on the subject of sharing, giving in, helping others. Yes, and such a poor little daffodil without his ball ...

However, sooner or later, the partner gets tired of admiring every successful goal of the narcissist that he scores ... only in one goal, I don’t even want to run to the other. And then the partner in anger says: “Listen, comrade. I feel sorry for you, of course. But you don't know how to play with others. So give me a ball, and I will play with those who know how to play a mutual game.

And - leaves a heartbroken (in this case) narcissist. But the narcissist is not heartbroken because he has lost a friend. But because the ball was taken away from him, and it is necessary to charm another comrade so that he will let him play. And this time, effort, and again the fear of disappointment. The narcissist will not allow the thought that he must reconsider his behavior.

The story has another ending. A narcissist can naturally - out of hunger - on the sly - run away with a ball to play in a quiet courtyard. There he will fanatically - for several days or weeks - stuff the ball on the asphalt, drive it against the wall, ride it and jump, throw it endlessly into the basketball hoop, until ... the ball becomes completely unusable. Because the narcissist doesn't know how to handle the ball either. That it needs to be washed, inflated, treated with care. Those who have their own balls know these rules. The narcissist doesn't know. And who will explain to him if there is an absolute taboo on balls in his family?

And therefore - after a while - the narcissist again wanders in search of a good friend with a beautiful ball. In the hope that the comrade will turn out to be infinitely kind and understanding (in a relationship, that is, “where is that one and only one who will endlessly adore me?”), And the ball will be durable and not losing color.

In no way am I reaching out to narcissists with this article. They won't even read it. And, having read it, they will not understand who it is about.

This is such a visual explanation of WHAT awaits you in a relationship with a narcissist. Your warmth, love, care and devotion will be directed only to the narcissistic gate, and you will be made to rejoice for him. And sometimes bring coffee to bed. Otherwise, it won't.

In fact: Have you ever turned down a promotion at a job you love because you wanted to wait a little longer? Or, when you were thirsty to death, did you think that this was not the right time to take a sip of water? Turned down a tasty treat because it's not yet dinner time? Of course, hypothetically, there may be an unfortunate moment for all this, but, as a rule, if a person is given the opportunity to get what he wants, he grabs it. If he doesn’t grab onto you, it means he didn’t really want to.

2. You think: "He works a lot and he doesn't have time for me."

In fact: yes, it happens. But what kind of work is this if he didn’t find five minutes in a week to not only call, but at least send you a short message? This means that many things (read: almost everything) are more priority for him than you. Understand that you are not an important part of his life, and do not waste your own life on empty expectations.

3. You think: “He had a hard time breaking up with his previous girlfriend and it still affects him.”

In fact: if you get burned by hot soup, you won't stop eating because of it. Yes, a difficult breakup leaves its mark on anyone, but this is not an excuse. If he keeps you at a distance, then you should not expect him to suddenly thaw and reach out to you.

4. You think: “He is just afraid of love. There are such strong feelings between us - and it scares him.

In fact: people are not afraid of love at all. They fear getting bogged down in relationships that are comfortable but not particularly inspiring. If every evening a hot dinner awaits him, at any moment - sex, it’s cozy with you, you are always in the wings, you can always ask for a favor, but at the same time his heart does not jump wildly out of his chest at one glance from you - it’s hard for him to refuse everyone bonuses of such relations. But he understands that he will not be happy in them and will not be able to make you happy. It remains only to be glad if he keeps his distance - it's easier to break the web.

5. You think: “He likes the way we are doing now, but he is afraid to move to the next level.”

In fact: people make things difficult. There are only three levels:

1. Haven't slept yet;
2. Slept;
3. Loved each other.

If he doesn't want to "take it to the next level" it means "I love having sex with you, but I don't care how your day went." Such relationships also have the right to exist - if both of them are satisfied. Just don't fool yourself.

6. You think: "He doesn't deserve me."

In fact: the only people who don't deserve love are homicidal maniacs and pedophiles. Claiming you're better than someone else is a ridiculous defense mechanism. Just because he doesn't love you doesn't mean he's worse than you. This means: since he does not want to be with you, then why should you be with him. It is not his fault that his heart does not reciprocate with you: we do not know how to fall in love by order. It's okay, and both of you are good people.

7. You think, "He thinks he can't give me what I need."

In fact: the relationship of two people is not to dream of having a dog, but to worry that you won’t have time to feed and walk it on time. The only thing he cannot give that is important and necessary is love, if it is not there.

8. You think: “He just wants to see how things go… It will work, it will work.”

In fact: "Let's not rush" essentially means "I think you're a good option if no better one comes along." It's like renting a car instead of buying one.